He wants me to respect the OW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
He wants me to respect the OW!
12
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:59am

My ex sent me an email yesterday which pertained to a few things. He was irked that I let him know the day of our son's sports banquet. I told him that he has the school calendar and can look at the web site. He wrote back that he does not look at it on a daily basis so it would be helpful if I would let him know. WTH??

Anyway, the next item on his agenda was he was irritated that I do not acknowledge his live-in girlfriend of a year. He said it would be decent of me. He wants me to smile and be friendly. OK, OK, just what the heck does he expect? He left me for her, I had to hire a private detective (7,500) to find out about her. Then I only learned they were living together 4 months after the fact. All the while me kids were going there( although not that often). She is 26, not even old enough to be a mother of a teenager. I have zero respect for both of them.

I have never been rude in public to him or her. I think that is good enough. When they are around for a sporting event of one of the kids, I am able to stand with everyone and chat. I do not make eye contact with her.

Am I just being petty? I just feel like how much I am suppose to take? He has already drug me through the courts, is trying to take my daughters horse away, never sees the kids, has only seen our daughter ride one time in 3 years, and a host of other things.
I guess I just snapped when he asked me to be decent and friendly to her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:08am

Hi

The very most he can expect is for you to be civil to her in front of the kids, which you are.

What does he expect? This is the woman he left you for for goodness sake. Not enough time has passed for you to stop feeling bitter - he is expecting way too much of you.

I really admire the fact that you are able to stand around and chat in her presence. I know for a fact that I would not be able to do that in your position. Well done.

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:18am

Hi jillie, I don't think your being petty, I have a hard time dealing with my xh new g/f,, it is pretty similar,my x had moved out, so we could take some time apart, and before I knew it he was in a relationship with her..I have magor issues with both of them,but my xh wont speak with me if she is around. The only way I can discuss anything with him is if I catch him on the phone by accident. Now I am being forced to speak with her,and it really burns me..but really what can I do? At least the lines of communication are open.
Do you really have to speak with her? I mean,are you put in a position where you have to deal with her?
Since I got a call from the new g/f, i deal with her very curtly, I am not rude, just clipped, my tone lets them know that I hate it, but I will do it for DS. Maybe I am the petty one here.
I am thankful that he has someone now that obviously has alot invested in him,and that I don't have to put up with him anymore,but it doesn't mean I have to like it..My x mother-in-law gave me some great advise, she said no it is'nt fair, but we're women,just suck it up and put a smile on your face,bitch to your friends about him..so that's what I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:20am

Thanks to both of you for your support

I really don't have to deal with her because I have full custody and the kids have only spent the night 7 times in a year and a half. I just hate that she comes to my kids events. They are my joy and my life. The fact that she wants to play sudo-mommy to my kids is just sickening to me.

The fact that my ex thinks they are entitled to my respect is a joke. Where was the respect for me and the kids?

Thanks for letting me vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:51am
I am going to jump in here just because I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. But I found out my ex wasn't allowed to go to any of the kids events unless she was with him (can we see who wears the pants in that 'relationship'). I don't have any respect for her but I don't for him for even more reasons. But I do love my kids more than life itself and if it means I have to endure looking at the two of them so that my kids can have their dad there I am glad to do it. It used to bother me quite a bit but now I don't even notice them there. I wait off to the side or chat with others until the kids have spoken with their dad then the kids and I head home. He and I are done but I don't want him and his kids to be done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:32am

(hug) I feel your pain. He doesn't deserve your respect and she certainly does not. What a load of narcissist BS. Bringing her to your kids events puts all of you in uncomfortable positions but they are too stupid to realize that. What about all the other parents who know who/what she is? Thankfully, my X isn't pulling that stunt, yet. Not out of any concern for my feelings, but he knows our sons would be the ones to go ballistic. It is best to take the high road and be civil in public, but it ends there, you don't have to be her friend. Too bad if seeing you and picking up on your reaction to her presence is making her feel a bit guilty. My guess is that she does not want to go to these events with him because she knows that although people are civil, they don't approve of her.

If your kids always see you being accepting of this, do they think you condone their father's behavior? It is a hard thing, not telling the kids the truth about the reason for your divorce. There are negative repercussions whether they are told up front about the infidelity or they figure it out later and feel they were lied to. Also, what does it tell them about the morality of what happened if everyone acts like it's OK?

My X is very similar to yours. He thinks I should "be nice" even when he is still dragging out this divorce on technicalities to drive up my lawyer's fees, still yelling at me over minor irritations, etc.. So vent away, you have a narcissist victim recovery pal right here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:02pm

Jillie,

Fortify your boundaries and stick to them. My exh does not have my email account address and neither would I communicate with him via email. I really do not speak to him at all unless it's a useful conversation about our son. I absolutely would not have a conversation with my exh about anything pertaining to our private lives. I do not discuss my SO with my ex, and I have no clue if my exh has a girlfriend or not.

Your exh has no business dictating your interpersonal relationships. As long as you are not cursing at his girlfriend, it's perfectly fine if you ignore her completely. You are entitled to dislike her immensely. Sometimes being civil, means ignoring.

About school events, I didn't keep my exh up-to-date on those. We both had equal access to the classroom teacher and school calendars. I will not think for another person and that includes reminding them of important dates.

If your exh and the girlfriend are at the same event, don't sit with them. There is no need for that, except that he wants to rub your nose in it. He sounds rather controlling if you ask me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:52pm

Having some BTDT experience, I'm going to chime in.

My ex left me to get "space." Within months, he was "friendly" with the wife of our best friend. As couples, we had spent every weekend together, gone on vacation, and were like the Ricardos and Mertzes for 7 years. Then - BOOM! All of a sudden they are the best of friends.

They carried on their "friendship" in front of everyone - including my kids AND hers. The only difference? She was (and is) still married - this relationship has gone on for almost EIGHT YEARS, and her husband has endured it for that long (don't get me started on HIS stupidity).

I have no respect for her - or him - and neither do my kids (believe me, as they get older, they realize what's going on). My older son DS18 will not go to his father's if she's there, and both my sons have made it very clear they don't like her.

And yet, he still brings her to the kids' events - hell - he brings her to FAMILY events!

Am I nice to her? Yes - in as civil a way as I can be - not only for my kids' sake, but because I am the better person. Do I like or respect her? No - and the day when my kids are older, and I don't have to deal with her except at the occasional wedding or funeral, is coming sooner than later - and then I will be done.

You have no obligation to be "nice" to her - you have no OBLIGATION to be civil - and yet you are - for him to expect more is ridiculous. Tell him to pound salt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 5:24pm

All of the responses here are quite good. Boundaries are definitely needed - and fivesense gives good rules - I especially like the no email, no say in interpersonal relationships, keep the conversation just about the kids or hang up or change the subject, and HE has to look at the calendar and keep track of the dates. I feel he is trying to put you down and treat you like Cinderella - what are you only good for being a secretary to him?

Don't be afraid of him - and don't cow down to his wishes.

If I was you I would be civil only as needed but never look at her or smile at her. I think in time it will get a little easier. FWIW, I bet that she feels like a fish out of water with not being a parent and being so much younger. So that is something good for you to consider and know it is not all roses for her - plus she is too young and stupid to realize the monster she has on her hands now- never mind having a guy who is so much older. At the same time, I bet she didn't have a clue about you - it was all about him and I am sure he fed her a pack of lies - if you could get to the bottom of it. Hopefully that makes you feel a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:58pm

Thanks ladies!!

I can't tell you how much I value your opiniions.

I do not bad mouth her or him to the kids. I know they both have figured out what he has done. The girl he is involved with is from another country and is still learning english. Gee, I wonder what they could possibly have in common?? It is just so insulting that after everything he has pulled, he is still expecting me to function as his wife, and totally accept her and her being involved with the kids.

I am so tired of dealing with all of this.

Tonight we celebrated my grandmothers 90th birthday. My only brother and his family were in town and it was so nice to be around people who love you for who you are and don't expect anymore out of you. We have all decided to send the kids ( my brother has 2 girls 14 and 16, my kids are 13 and 14) to Switzerland for a 3 week camp. I am having a hard time thinking of being without my kids . They have never gone away for that long and certainly not without me. I do think it is good for them to stretch their wings a bit. Maybe it will be good for me too. Give me a chance to try and clear my head.

Wow, I went way off subject. Anyway, thanks for validating

Jill

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 4:35pm

Jill,

You do need to get out from under his thumb. My exh is somewhat similar to yours. With the control freaks, you have to cut them off. Give them zero say into your personal life. Definitely, do not act like a current spouse.

If you decide to set firm boundaries, expect some initial push back from him. However, he'll eventually learn to stay out of your business.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

(oh, and the OW....i actually feel sorry for her being mixed up with a jerk like that. he picked someone younger with limited english so he can control the heck out of her and make her days miserable. it's not a love match. or, maybe she's using him for money or something like that. it's not a good relationship. you'll end up with something better if you want to find a new partner.)

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