He wants me to respect the OW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
He wants me to respect the OW!
12
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:59am

My ex sent me an email yesterday which pertained to a few things. He was irked that I let him know the day of our son's sports banquet. I told him that he has the school calendar and can look at the web site. He wrote back that he does not look at it on a daily basis so it would be helpful if I would let him know. WTH??

Anyway, the next item on his agenda was he was irritated that I do not acknowledge his live-in girlfriend of a year. He said it would be decent of me. He wants me to smile and be friendly. OK, OK, just what the heck does he expect? He left me for her, I had to hire a private detective (7,500) to find out about her. Then I only learned they were living together 4 months after the fact. All the while me kids were going there( although not that often). She is 26, not even old enough to be a mother of a teenager. I have zero respect for both of them.

I have never been rude in public to him or her. I think that is good enough. When they are around for a sporting event of one of the kids, I am able to stand with everyone and chat. I do not make eye contact with her.

Am I just being petty? I just feel like how much I am suppose to take? He has already drug me through the courts, is trying to take my daughters horse away, never sees the kids, has only seen our daughter ride one time in 3 years, and a host of other things.
I guess I just snapped when he asked me to be decent and friendly to her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 4:44pm

Thanks

I am trying to set boundaries but it is hard only because I am trying to facilitate him seeing the kids. As it stands right now, we have NO visitation schedule. I would love to have one but am afraid the kids (really just my son) would be upset if he wanted to see them and I would say no because it was not "his" day. I guess it is up to him to make them a priority which I know he will never do.

I just could not believe that he wants me to say "Hi" and be friendly to this person. Talk about adding insult to injury! When I do see them at events, I will talk to my ex if something needs to be said with regard to the kids, but I pretend like she is invisible. I think that should be good enough considering I could easily rip her face off!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 10:45pm

The thing to remember - is that the piece of paper that granted you the divorce does just that - it grants you the right to pick and choose what to do with your life from that day forward without ever having to cater to him. If you don't like it, don't do it. He might rant and rave - but that is all he can do. You must stand up to him now and set firm boundaries.

It is his responsibility to be a father - you must not do anything with that. And it is your right to choose who to smile and be friendly to - or not. The only communication you should ever engage in with him is something about the kids. Nothing else.

With regards to the visitation schedule - I am also in an arrangement where we have no set schedule. At first it stunk because I was always on the short end of the stick - it seemed that my exh went out of his way to inconvenience me. But then I got it - I have the treasure - and the more time I get DS the better. I have learned to go with the flow and encourage my DS's relationship with his father and he has flourished because of this. DS's father travels so it has to change every week.

What I would do if I was you is leave it all up to the father to have his relationship with the kids. Do nothing. If the father wants to see them when you have plans, too bad so sad. He has to learn to ask in advance and work around their schedule.

one thing that has helped us tremendously is that my exh gives us his dates a week in advance. AND he calls DS on the cell phone - so I am involved very little in their relationship. I generally let exh call the days he wants to see DS but if I have plans I tell him those in advance - and he has to work around DS's schedule. It has been 6 years so we have a pretty smooth system now.

Hope this helps. Stay strong and it will get better. REally from what you have said, although I know you didn't want the divorce and find this devastating to you and your family, I think that one day you will be relieved that you don't have him in your life. And I think you will find someone to really love you and make you happy.

Keep us posted! Somewhere I saw that the kids will go to Switzerland - this is a great experience and I think you will be fine without them. You can clean your house and go shopping and visit friends - the time will go by fast. And you will love their stories when they come home.

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