he won't leave....
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| Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:55am |
I'm new here so let me tell you about myself...well basically I've been single for over three years. My X was sent to prison two years ago and our relationship was already fading, he was abusive verbally and sometimes it got physical. We have two wonderful children together, DS- 8 yrs and DD- 2 yrs old. My daughter was born one month before he got locked up. So she really didn't know her father and well my son took it real hard. Before X got locked up our relationship was like living in hell, so when I found out he was getting locked up for two years I felt such relief. I know that sounds bad but when you live with a drunk for 9 yrs and can't get out, well this was a blessing for me. I did go see him a couple of times and every time I went to see him, there was always an argument about my personal status, he wanted to know who I was sleeping with, how many times I went out and with who, etc... I really did not have any intensions of looking for someone- all my time was focused on my kids and work. I was no longer afaird of coming home to X drunk ready to fight. Well, after looking hard into my past and the present I relized that I did not have to go thru what I was put thru in the past and decided that it was best to end it completely... it was almost there, he was hardly ever around he would get lost for days at a time but when he returned then all hell would break loose.
Unexpectedly, I met someone in Feb. only about three months before X release...it was love at first sight...I have never felt like this before he was different, it was like I had known him all my life. I would see him every day after work, on the weekends, I would talk to him every day several times a day. But he felt that same way too, things were moving very fast for us, but we didn't mind...there was discussions about our future and he knew I had two kids and he has one. So for a couple of months I was on cloud nine and I did't want to come down at this point there was no contact with X, there was no time to even think about the bad. Until his mother called me to tell me he was being released on Monday and that they couldn't pick him up and that I needed to go...So not to happy I went and took my son along. Well lets just say the car ride was not a good one, he was pissed off that I got a new car, cell phone, I was a completely differnt person he knew. Then to make matters worse he tells me that his release addresss is our house, my house - the one I had been paying because he was never there but out drinking with his buddies....
Well we are now in the 4th month of him being released and I'm still living in hell, I have told him several times to leave but he refuses, he expectes me and my kids to be homeless instead, he did find out about the other man shortly after he was released and that did not go over top well, he says he wants to work it out but I done, I can't continue to live in misery. He has a really good paying job but doesn't pay any bills, this month will be the first he will pay the mortgage only because I told his parents that I wanted him out of my house and they advised him to contribute or he could lose the house in court. The nerve of those people thinking that he could get the house because he makes more than me and forget child support he is not going to pay so I can support my new boyfreind, that is what he is claiming. My X is a spoiled brat... and I'm tired of the way he treats me and my kids, he has no respect. My son even gave me told me that if his daddy didn't leave then he wanted to live with his nana...the fighting has continued but he won't leave, and I don't want to get the police involved because he is on parole.
Sorry this was long but I had to vent out my fustration, thanks for listening.

Hi debgal,
Sorry to hear that you have so much bad stuff to deal with on your plate with your x. It sounds like you have come a long way on your own to realize you don't need him and his bad ways in your life. You and the kids are much better off without him.
I am not sure what you should do from a legal and practical standpoint. I really feel that you need advice greater than what I can give you. Is there a way for you to talk to a lawyer to find out what is best for you to do? I can see your point about staying in the house with you and the kids because it is your home and your kids need that. HOwever, I would not want to remain in the house with him under this set of circumstances.
When you say "x" - are you two officially divorced? Or were you ever married? Or do you mean exboyfriend? I just want to clarify.
I know the other girls here will step in to give their opinions and many have better experience with what to do here, particularly my co-cl, Alison. We welcome you with open arms and want you to stay. We will lend our support to all of your stories as you sort through this. I know you can figure it out - where there is a will there is a way. Maybe his parents would help you? Or maybe your own? There are so many things to consider - like whose name is on the house and mortgage? And just getting him out or you out with the kids.
In the mean time, here are some other links to boards that may also help directly with your situation with the x:
Domestic abuse, new beginings:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmakeitstop
Recognising and dealing with domestic abuse (although you recognize it they may be able to help)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting
I would not underestimate what he can do if you really make him mad. Not that I want to deter you from breaking up with him and moving on with your life - but just to advise you to be careful and get help with this so you do not put yourself and your children in jeopardy. That comes FIRST and foremost, more than money and more than the house.
In the mean time, I think it is great that you have met someone - but just be careful with that and focus on getting the x out of your life. Okay?
Keep us posted!! I hope the others will chime in too!!
We have never been married, just lived together in our house...the house is in both our names. The one go thing I did do was use my given name on everything and never used his... I have never introduced us as being married but I'm not sure that matters. I live in Texas and they do acknowledge common law marriages and I was told that since we did purchase cars and home that it would be easier to get a divorce, in which I don't agree with.
He is self empoyed and has a very good income but I'm not sure where that will take me with child support. If I had to I would leave my house, but he will have to go as well since we live across the street from my parents and all his family lives in the next town.
His parents used to be on my side because they knew the kind of son they had but I guess money can buy you off, now they are behind him 100%. My parents on the other had have always been on my side. My dad has agreed to pay for the lawyer and so has my brother-in-law...everybody hates his mean spirit. Most of the time the kids and I are at my parents but it would be impossible to live there, they really don't have the room.
The guy I meant know the whole situation and is very understanding... right now we have taken a step back but we continue to talk and go out. He works out of town alot so he's not around that much right now. I have expressed that even if every thing works out for our benefit that it will move at a slower rate than what it was in the begining. He is a very understanding guy and a big plus he does not drink!!!
Right now my #1 priority is my kids, I love them so much and I hate that they have had to go thru hell and back at such a young age. My two babies mean the world to me and I still can't beleive what they have gone thru. I feel so guilty for putting them thru this torture.
Yet again I have rambled on and on...
thanks deb
Stephanie
Deb,
First of all, welcome to the board.
Well the last couple of days have been hell...
Saturday night EX and I started to fight and I finally had enough and left. I went to my parents house only because it was 2am and I felt save to go there. EX called me on Sunday yelling at me why I thought I had the right to take the kids from him. I have been working some overtime at work to complete for my son's back to school clothes, of course no help from him. Yesterday he showed up at my job because he wanted to take me out for lunch for by birthday and I expressed to him that wasn't a good idea. Not once did he ask about the kids. I have taken my dad up on his offer and I know that it will be hell for a couple of more months until it's all over.
EX even had that nerve to tell me that if he starts drinking again it's all my fault. He believes he is joining to gain full custody of my kids because he's better of financially.
Can you believe this guy...I hope in the end my story has a happy ending.
I'm just glad I have finally woken up...I see a better future for my kid and for me.
Thanks so much for all of your advise
It will get worse before it gets better. But you are headed in the right direction with a full head of steam - there is no stopping you now!! And what he does is his problem now, not yours.
You *will* make it. You *can* manage at your parents house. And you *will* keep the kids. You will also sort the finances out later - even if it means you have to sell that house to get your equity - and then you can find a place that is good for you. I know you have a lot on your plate, but you are starting the path to a happier life.
Keep us posted - we are here every day to help and we do care.
(((HUGS)))
You know you're on the right track now- and everything you need will fall into place for you BECAUSE you're on the right track.