heal love with the "other" men in life

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Registered: 11-22-2006
heal love with the "other" men in life
6
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:01pm
I was reading one fo the threads today and it mentioned that a poster who went to therapy a while back would post about hers and sometimes it helped. I have spent a small fortune on therapy in my life and when I say that it seems to make me even wonder how bad a life I have actually had(??) but in fact, I have had as many blessings as I have had challenges. I feel like I have handled both with some grace and hopefully a lot of dignity but sometimes I still land on the couch so to speak:)
Before I met my current SO, I had a string of badly chosen men in my life. They arent bad men, mind you. But they arent made for me. And lets just say I wouldnt recommend them to anyone else too enthusiastically either but that isnt bitterness as much as it is my hope that they will take some time off like I did and figure out their **** before they try and love the next person. One was separated and wouldnt get papers, one was a cheater, one was the eternal bachelor and one was just plain abusive/controlling. Each time I would think in the beginning how different the new guy was from the last and then 5 months in there would be this terrifying moment when I realized that they were their long lost twin. I would spend that day alone like the floor had dropped out from underneath me, check my bank account for funds, and go in for a counseling session. I didnt find my current therapist until about 9 months before I met my bf now and she has singlehandedly done something like change the lens on my rose colored glasses. Because, if I am honest, I wear those glasses well and they are something I want to keep - they just needed a new prescription to address what was a dating astigmatism of sorts!
Here was the advice that made a big difference to me. First she had me stop dating entirely. She said I was addicted the feelings attached to it and thy wewre misplaced. To feel sexy and wanted and alive and relieved when my son left for the weekend. To somehow get to live this young life while he was gone. I had fallen into accepting my relationships being not even real to these men because realistically, since I had compartmentalized my life by mothering during the week and dating while he was gone on the weekend - these two compartments never had to meet up. I grew up in a home with my single mom and she kept things separate. But then again, she never remarried and she died from ovarian cancer at 52 without allowing herself to have anything real in the area of love ever again after my father. I couldnt let that happen to me and the thing my doc suggested next surprised me. She told me that when I would normally go out on a date, she wanted me to go out with my Dad or my brother instead. My Dad and I over the years have been very close but somehow more like friends and especially after moms death. My brother and I have struggled because I felt so alone in taking care of her during the illness. She asked me to try and repair these loves first and told me that in my heart if they had failed me I would only seek new people to fail me too because it felt safe. I didnt even know what there was to repair with my Dad so she had to tell me. She kept telling me " Your Dad is not your friend. He is your Dad. He left your Mom and you and your brother. Your brother is not your Mom's absent son you need to keep chasing. He is your big brother. " I was instructed to only talk to my Dad as his daughter. No talk about his love life unless he brought it up. We werent bar hopping together. We would sit and talk about my career, my son, etc. He gave me advice, supported me, laughed at my stories about my son, took me to my dr to check for stuff connected to my mom's cancer and held my hand ( its genetic unfortunately for me) and we both lit up like Christmas trees. When did I stop asking him to be this figure in my life? When had I decided to really punish myself and handle every aspect of my adult life truly alone with one parent still very much alive and claiming to love me? I started wondering what I was trying to prove going to all of those drs appts before by myself? Does being a single mom trick you for a while into trying to do EVERYTHING alone for no reason? Did I let him off the hook or did I seem so self sufficient that he figured it was redundant? Was I afraid he wouldnt come through and leave again like he did when I was little - that one seemed farfetched but when I look at my son developing at warp speed - who knows. My brother and I took more time but we talk each week now still and he is visiting my son more and being an uncle. What was my lesson here? If you cant ask for what you need and hold people accountable as men in your own family, you cant do it easily outside that circle. Because as she put it, outside the family circle there will be familiar feelings of love, need, maybe guilt that you have to ask for anything - but you will then have to add to it your sexuality, your romantic heart and all the vulnerabilities that entails. Once I had the love healed with the men already in my life, I felt deeper and steadier. I no longer itched to date. I just simply was. I didnt think my Dad and brother could make me feel beautiful and loved and human but they did and that was what I needed...
And then I met him randomly in a store just being little old me. Fell head over heels and it has been that way ever since. I ask for what I need and he smiles and does his best and vice versa. Finally I feel like I am actually empowered by asking for someone to give me the best they have.
If I hadnt already practically paid probably for my therapist's last car, I would send her flowers.
I really hope this helps someone out there. I know it cant be applicable to everyone for various reasons but for me, it was worth every penny.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:37pm

Thank you so much for posting this! While some parts of it aren't applicable to me, I think the general idea- and the empowerment, the happiness, are applicable to most, if not all of us.
I'm glad you found your SO, and glad you're so happy.

Please stick around and post!

Moody, absorbing the happiness


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Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:53pm
That is a wonderful story and great advice. I am so glad you wrote it for us. Do stick around!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 12:08am
You're welcome of course but that goes without saying! I have never written it out and it felt good to do it and think it through - I have come a long way in the last few years and though there is still a lot to work on, I am proud of myself. I wrote it thinking about my Mom who died seven years ago next week. For those of us who have lost our moms - Isnt it funny how as we get older we relate more and more to the age our moms were when they passed and when they raised us. I fall asleep sometimes with tears and sometimes smiling proud raising my boy and it hits me lately that she laid once in bed with the same emotions but for my brother and I. I have all of these things in common with her now that I didnt when she was here and it makes me love and miss her more. I wish she had found love after my Dad for her to feel and us to see and I am trying to break that pattern for her grandson's sake. I know she would be so happy and supportive of those efforts. I always wondered why she couldnt quite give in to love or take those steps and I get it now. It is really da** hard to get past things and carve new paths as single moms. These boards are fantastic so that we can all lend support. I actually found the boards when I was taking care of my mom but now they help me immensely too!
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 6:11am

Love is not that easy to find never mind when we get into a later age and stage of our lives. Your mom may have met a few men and decided they were not for her or you. I have been divorced 6 years and have not found anyone - am not even looking really. The men I have met have not at all been for me or my son. I know many woman who do not go on to marry again because they cannot find someone who is a good match or capable of love that is good for them and their kids. I also know of some who have been divorced a few times trying.

Plus, times were different a while back - there were not as many divorced people and divorced women carried a big stigma that is not there as much today.

I have one dear friend in Switzerland who was left widowed with 2 kids and one in her belly. She explained that she never remarried because she loves to travel and be active and did not want a man to tie her down or to endanger her 3 girls. She is very happy today and stays busy with all of her grandchildren. She also loves to ski, ride bikes, hike, etc and she is so fit in her 60s.

Maybe this will help you understand why your mom did what she did?




Edited 1/27/2007 7:06 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 6:17pm
I suppose so. And I do appreciate your feedback as always. I guess having lived through things with her I saw her try and be with several men but as soon as things got serious, she seemed scared and would back off. She was very devastated for various reasons when my Dad left and I dont think she ever stopped loving him. They continued to be friends with him and they remained close too even though they were divorced which was great for the kids but for her that might have been an issue as well. I do see what you are saying though and it could have been that she just didnt meet the right guy too. I guess as a kid I have this vivid emotional memory of her seeming scared of love and I really picked up on it.
And, you are right that times were very different back then. We are better off now in some ways without feeling like failures to everyone if we divorce. that was tough on my mom too since she was catholic and went to catholic school her whole life.
Thanks for your post--
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 7:20pm

Perhaps you hit the nail on the head that she never stopped loving your dad. It seems that us girls, and probably guys, too, have but one parking space in our heart - when we really like or love one person there is not room for others. And since she had to see your dad all the time for the sake of the kids she probably never got over it.

Do keep us posted on your progress and dating story!!