Hello!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Hello!
8
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:45am

Hello everyone!

I've kinda been lurking here a while and I wanted to jump in and say hello, introduce myself. I'm 38, and my husband and I divorced after 12 years of marriage last year.
The great news is that I have the most beautiful daughter in the world...she's brilliant, kind and considerate. She is 10 (I know...just wait a couple years, right??)
I have been recently dating a guy that has been making me very happy..everything seems almost surreal..when will the bubble burst? My daughter is my concern, as she is hesitant seeing me getting romantic feelings for someone other than her dad.
I feel that you all will relate! I think I have a lot in common here...looking forward to your friendship and insight!!

~Raquel

~Pacific~
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: pacific_sun
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:03pm

Hi Raquel! Welcome aboard! We love having new members! Please feel free to join in at anytime and share some of your own experiences, thoughts or opinions! That is what it's all about! :) Tell us a little bit more about the man in your life. How long have you been seeing him? Where did you meet? Whats his nickname for the board?

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: pacific_sun
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:24pm

Thanks for the welcome, Catherine! Great to be here...

I have known my new guy for years but we only started seeing each other a few months ago...after my divorce. I met him as he was going through his cancer treatment. I work in Oncology and that is how we met. (He is doing great now!!) He has a wonderful spirit and energy about him. He is kind and socialable, and almost too charming, to everyone! ...know what I mean? He's got incredible eyes so I think I'll nick-name him Blue Eyes here on the board.
I think it is most fitting!
:O)
~Raquel

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: pacific_sun
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:54pm

Welcome - we hope you jump in and post more - the more the merrier!!

Tell us more about your guy - sounds like he makes you HAPPY!

As for your daughter - it might be best to withhold some info for a while. Warm her up slowly and let her go at her own pace once things settle in the relationship and you feel comfortable that he is going to stick around for a while.

I think the "when to introduce the kids thing" is a question each person must answer for their own situation. On one hand we don't want a revolving door of boyfriends coming and going but on the other hand we are moms and our kids are important and something that must be included - to see how everyone gets along and to show your SO that you are a mom.

My son is 11 - so I think a meeting and infrequent but casual get togethers are okay. His dad and I have been divorced for over 6 years so the dust has settled and my DS actually finds some of the dating he has seen from both of us amusing. He is comfortable with it. But I am open with him that I am dating and working on finding a good person to be around both of us. I have always had an open and honest relationship with my son but always in an age appropriate manner for him. He knows that dating is important and that finding the right person is important and not easy and takes patience. And that you just have to go slow and see how things go over time. I have had an open dialog with him to make sure he wanted to meet my current boyfriend - I did not force that in any way and we kept it short. And when he does see my BF it is all about DS. So far so good. It helps that DS's father is active with him so I do not have to worry about him wanting a father and getting attached too soon and then getting hurt or rejected if it doesn't work.

I also do not want to make an instant family with all of us hanging out all the time. Time with my BF is for me and for when DS is not here.

But that is all about a boy - a girl must be different - maybe the others here will chime in with their experiences about that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: pacific_sun
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:35pm

Welcome, welcome!

We love having new people and lurkers delurk.

Sounds like things are going well with your guy, just take your time and have fun.

Moody, who can definitely wait until she has teens


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: pacific_sun
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:56am

Thanks for your welcome, west!!

Yes, my guy Blue Eyes does make me very happy. Although we have been together less than a year, we have talked about a future together. Of course, as everyone in my life understands, my DD comes first and always will. Her happiness and security....but with that said, I am so happy with Mr Blue Eyes. And my DD is warming up to him. Slowly, which is best.
Blue Eyes is kind and the first time I saw him I saw something in his eyes and in his smile that was different form anyone I have ever met. He just radiates a kind of spirit or light from within...no I am no whacko or psychotic! It's just a trait he has, and everyone around him sees it. I see how others perceive him and certainly I am not alone! But, I am lucky, because he is mine, and he feels this way about me as well which makes me giddy. I have posted also on the May-Dec board because Blue eyes is 14 years older than me. (He's 52)Age is not a problem for us, in fact I love the life experience and confidence that comes with his age. Now my DD, well she has mentioned that he seems old to her..but hey at 10 years old, doesn't everyone over 25 seem old?? ha! Blue Eyes is so energetic and light in heart and fun that she is seeing past the age gap now. He does respect my DD very much and he understands how I must take her into consideration first and foremost.
I appreciate your words about how you have slowly introduced your DS to your guy. It sounds like you are going about it very well, and that will help your DS feel like he is being totally respected in the matter. He sounds like a great kid, by the way!
I do wonder...and I hope that some of you here can share your opinions on this:
Let's say hypothetically speaking, that your DS or DD said to you that they don't like your guy. After talking with DD, you discover that it is not that they have anything against the guy (they admit he is nice, kind, etc) but it's just that they are still hurt about you not being with their dad. You want to move on, and your guy makes you soo happy. But you don't want to hurt your child, ever! How would you proceed?
I am asking this because I sometimes see glimmers of this in my DS and she is pretty open with me. I've been with Blue eyes for over 9 months, and admittedly I did jump in to a relationship pretty soon after my divorce. I can completely see my DD's point. I just don’t want to lose something that could be so wonderful for both of us..having Blue Eyes in our lives.
Your ides of doing casual things together sounds very wise. Like picnics or dinner out here and there. Sometimes Blue Eyes comes over to play board games with us or watch movies, which is a nice evening.
Having a girl, I am very close to her. Yes, I think I had a boy then a lot of this would be different in ways. I adore my DD and really, I just want everyone in my life to love one another as much as I love them all. OK..I am dreaming!! But a girl can dream...

Thanks again for your welcome, and I look forward to hearing more about you all!

~Raquel

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: pacific_sun
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:59am

Thank you for the Welcome, Moody!

I am trying to hold back time, putting on the brakes..DD will be a (gulp*gasp) teen very soon.

~Raquel

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: pacific_sun
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:15pm

I don't have the answer to what to do if the child doesn't like your SO or the idea of one - I think if you go at the child's pace and the person is a pleasant one then eventually it works out ok.

I think what you do want to see is that your SO is willing to go slow and at the child's pace. Children and their development are sort of like a one or two steps forward and then one step backward kind of thing - there is no such thing as hurry to make it the way you want.

At 10, she is nearing the stage when friends and a social life will start to take more importance. So if I was you I would be patient with that in mind. And I would promote the relationship she does have with her father. Perhaps you can mention you realize she would rather have you and her dad back together but you are unable to ever give her that. I would also mention that your SO is there for you and not to take away from her dad in any way shape or form. Mommy needs a partner - just like she will someday too.

And in the end, I think it is better if we model love to our children. That you can make a mistake, dust yourself off and try again. You can find love and a healthy relationship. Because if they don't see you in a healthy relationship, how are they going to find one themselves?

I just don't think they should experience all the same drama that we do to find it. So it is a delicate balance and the kid does come first with pacing and stuff like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: pacific_sun
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:23pm


"I would also mention that your SO is there for you and not to take away from her dad in any way shape or form. Mommy needs a partner - just like she will someday too."

Excellent advice...wise words.
You hit the nail on the head. She needs to know that Dad will always be Dad and SO is there for me, and will hopefully, at her will, become her friend :o)


~Pacific~