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| Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:06pm |
Hello everyone. I've been surfing around Ivillage for awhile and stumbled over this board. I have this concern and was wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I have a 13 year old son. I've been in a relationship for about 14 months now. There was a time when I was living with my girlfriend, however things didn't seem to work out and she moved out. We still carried on the relationship, but one night she called and said that she could never live with me. Two months later we broke up, but still had a sexual relationship and have recently been talking about a future together. However, it seems as though she doesn't get along well with my son and seems as though she makes a point of not visiting me while he's here. I think she wants a relationship with me, but seems to be on guard with my son. I'm not sure why she's distant with him. She can't stand my ex-husband and I sometimes wonder if she compares my son with his father and resents him just because he is the tie between my ex-husband and I and this throws it in her face everytime she sees my son.
I wonder if a relationship is even worth keeping if she is not able to get along with my son. It's not that they fight or that she is mean to him. He loves her and thinks that she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I'm concerned that she will hurt his feelings by avoiding him, which it seems as though she is doing without realizing it. Last weekend I had to ask her to spend some time with him before she went home. Is it worth the effort of trying to get her to spend time with him or to just acknowledge him?
When she spoke with me about a future. It didn't involve my son. I'm adament that I can not move him again, nor can I take him out of his school district until he graduates high school. Last weekend she mentioned going on a vacation to Florida together and asked if we could just go together. I had made him a promise that when he's 14 that I'd take him to Bush Gardens, or Disney Land, or whichever park he wanted to go to, so I suggested that we at least bring a friend for my son so that they could stay in the hotel while we went out on the town. She wrinkled her nose to that, but accepted it.
Has anyone else experienced something like this and if so, how did you handle the situation? I think that it's coming to the point where she is begining to compete for my attention and pouts that when I put him first.
Peace

Hi there,
You sound like a great mum, putting the feelings of your son first and foremost.
I think you really need to find out from your girlfriend why she is so reticent to spend time with him, and why she never mentions him with regard to the future of your relationship. Is she a lot younger than you? Does she have little experience with kids? Perhaps she just doesn't know how to interact with a child, but would be willing to learn - this would be the best-case scenario, and you could then help, encourage and give her tips. It must be heartbreaking for you to have your son think she is great, and for her to show no interest in him.
You really need to get to the root of her issue with your son. If she really is not interested in building a relationship with him, then sadly I am sure you know you will have to let her go. Our partners have to acknowledge that, as single mums, our kids will always come first. Competing with him for your affection sounds like very immature behaviour to me, and you need to sit her down and talk with her in order to decide if this is going anywhere. It does sound like she wants the best of both worlds - you and your son are a package deal, and she can't just pick one and throw the other one away.
Don't let her call all the shots here - a relationship is a two-way thing, and she needs to know that she can't walk all over you and mess with your feelings and those of your son.
Let us know how it goes, and good luck!
Clem xx
Hi missclemmy,
Thank you for your response. It made me think quite hard about things. Also, thank you for the compliment. I try to put my child first in most everything. It's very hard to always do that as a single mom. So many responsibilities and most all of them have dead lines. Especially the job.
I have to say that she does show that she cares for him. You are right about her not being around very many kids. I was the first person that she has ever been with who has a child. She admits that she never liked children in her younger years. I guess I have to look at her adjusting to my son as a very positive thing instead of wanting her to love him to death. I guess as parents we tend to think that EVERYONE MUST love our kids. What is there not to love?
I do feel very sad for my son that he loves her so much and wants to spend time with her, then wait and wait only to see her for a couple of hours, or to go to the movies with her. I really believe that she is wanting to have some kind of relationship with him, but finds it easier to not persue a relationship. Now I feel as though I might be making excuses for her, but you are right about her not being around kids much.
Often I see her getting frustrated with him because he is acting like a kid. Or because he isn't as neat as she would like things. I sometimes have to remind her that he's 13 and is just a kid. She grew up too quickly in my opinion and never was allowed to be just a kid. It's as though she doesn't understand what it's like to be a kid.
Yes, she can be immature at times. That has its up-sides as well as down-sides. When we're all together, we all play and have fun often. However, sometimes she doesn't always know how to be diplomatic and patient. Which comes across as "immature" in the bad sense of the word.
You are also right about how she seems like she is choosing one of us and not the other. It hurts. It does seem as though she is calling the shots...but I'm allowing that to happen. It certainly is messing with our feelings. Yet, I know that she is trying. I will bring this issue up to her.
Thanks again missclemmy,
Peace
Hi Peace,
I am happy if I have been of some help.
One thing I am always reading about is the question of our partners loving our kids. I think it is very important not to expect this. It puts too much pressure on everyone. Some people just aren't kiddie-orientated (actually, I am not really. Apart from my own, there are not many kids I feel a bond with. I hate to admit it, as it sounds terrible, but it's just the way I feel).
I didn't expect my partner to love my kids - all I hoped would happen would be that he would want to get to know them and be patient and kind to them. But the love grew, and I will always remember the first time he told my daughter he loved her - she had been telling him for quite a while and he had always replied with something like "Oh, that's so lovely" and a big hug. When I heard him tell her the first time, I was just so so happy. :o)
I was happy to read that your girlfriend does show she cares for your son. This didn't really come over in the first post. So that is a great start. It will take some more time for her to get used to being around him, and some patience on your part. But the fact that she is willing is great. It is good that you are going to take the time to talk to her about it.
Best of luck, and please come back and let us know how it goes.
Clem xx
I think if she's not being outright mean or is not completely uninterested, things could grow between them.
I also think so often when we're dating, for the first while we're so focused on our relationship with the person that we really get to know them fairly well. It's hard to remember that our children haven't really known them as long as we have- and all relationships take time to grow.
Children tend to love easily, but adults don't always find it easy to give love. This combined with the fact that she's just never been around children could make it hard for her to form a bond.
I'm glad you're going to talk to her, I hope it goes well- please keep us posted!
Moody, who isn't all that fond of children, either
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