Hello I'm new

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Hello I'm new
8
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 8:01am

Hello! I'm new here to the board. My name is Leann and I am a single mom. I have a seven year old daughter from a previous marriage. I've been divorced for four years and dated several different guys and had FWB relationships. Most guys I have dated though have don't have children.
I recently started dating a guy who is a father of 2. His divorce isn't final yet. This whole relationship is new for me. He and I have been friends for three years. So I know his kids and they love me and ditto for my daugther. Our daughters actually have fun playing together. His son even interacts w/ them. Beings this is all new we haven't told our kids yet but I honestly don't think it will be a problem. Like I said before this is all new for me. I never imagined him and I in a relationship. When he first found out his wife wanted a divorce he was shocked. Then after the shock wore off he started calling me on a daily basis and we'd talk on the phone for hours. Plus we'd spend time together as usual at the firehouse. Granted we have had an attraction to one another but never acted on it cause he was married. But last week he made the first move and we've been together ever since. I know I could see us making a go of this but I'm also scared that this may just be a rebound relationship for him. So, what should I do? I know one thing I want to wait to let our kids know were together. I don't want them confused. Also this is new for me to date a guy w/ kids.
If anyone has any advice please post. And I'll try to keep you up to date.
Leann

P.S. one thing I know that was a down fall in his marriage was he was never home do to work and the fire station. Well that won't be a problem for us cause I'm busy w/ my job and I'm on the same fire dept.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:04am
Hello and welcome. There are a lot of great gals here, so you came to the right place. I would search the board for older threads, there is a lot of really good advice out there.
You should look at the one on how long to wait until dating after a divorce. Your new guy may be great, but unfortunately IMHO, it's too soon for him to persue another relationship. You have a high probabilty of being the rebound girl. The fact you work together and given your friendship history it may end up working against you if things don't work out. I would put the brakes on this relationship, keep it friends only, and let him get his divorce and his life back on track. In the future if the coast is clear and you're both still interested, then maybe persue. Me personally, I would never get involved with a co-worker, way too risky for my comfort zone. You also have to give strong consideration as to why his marriage failed. A lot of men fein shock, but meanwhile the wives gave them a 1001 chances to work together, get counseling; etc. to fix the marraige and the husbands just ignored until too late. She initiated the split, so he may still love her, something else to give serious thought too. He may not be the great guy you think, work life is one thing, living together day to day is totally something else. You need to step back and really give this one a long, hard objective look.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:58pm

I agree totally, taina. Couldn't say it better. The big flags are:
1) he is not yet divorced
2) he is not over his divorce or ready for a real relationship
3) you work together

Be careful - best to hold back for now and wait til later. I think it is easier to hold back on an impulse like this than to be sorry later - especially with work involved. And if it is meant to be, waiting won't matter.

Good luck - we are always here for you any way you choose to go.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 9:51pm

Leann,


Welcome to the board.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 9:57pm

That is very well written, Alison, and great advice! I was just thinking, too, with the holidays not so far around the corner the likelihood of him wanting to try again should his wife come back would be very high!!

I think that when a man has been slapped with a divorce that wasn't his idea it takes him longer to sort out his life, get over his ex and be ready to really open his heart.

The thing that is so hard for all of us women to understand is that a man really has to be ready to open his heart and to want a relationship - many can be okay with just wanting companionship and sex - and this is usually not good for most women because they get too emotionally attached. When a man wants a woman for the right reasons he really puts forth a good effort to court her and impress her. He is not calling and talking for hours about his problems.

It took me a long time to realize that - and many bumps along the way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:29pm

"He is not calling and talking for hours about his problems."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 7:21am

Thank you all for the wonderful advise that I will take to heart and really think about.

I thought I would explain a little more to the situation at hand. We are both Volunteer Firefighters so the only time we work together is if we have calls. I work at a hospital as an EMT for my real job and he works as a mechanic/ landscaper for his real job.

As for his marriage it failed because she said he was never home. He is very involved w/ our fire dept. He helps to do minor repairs on our trucks. Plus some of calls can last for long hours. Then in the winter time he is gone along time because he plows roads.
His soon-to-be ex wife has also found someone new and moved on.
We have discussed the reasons why his marriage failed and I told him he won't have to worry about me getting mad cause he's out late cause most likily I'll be there with him. That's one thing I understand the late nite calls or the long hours we spend out on a call.

I am taking all this with caution cause I don't want to get hurt. Plus I don't want to ruin what friendship we do have. Even though I am friends with all of my ex boyfriends.

Again thank you for all of the advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 8:09pm

I would just caution you about stating, "oh don't worry about me getting mad about you working all the time..."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 3:16am

Just wanted to update you all. Things are going great with my guy and I. I no longer feel that this maybe a rebound thing for him. We are both very happy together. We also are getting alot of support from our family and friends. I've even had a couple of our friends come up to me and tell me that I am what he needed. His even had people say he looks and seems a lot happier than he has been in a long time.

As for the kids finding out. Well his picked up on it when I spent the weekend (not over night) with them. His kids and I made fleece blankets one night. Then we spent one day at the Flea market before coming home and having a little bon fire. His kids asked me "Are you seeing our dad?" I said "that is something you need to ask your dad?" So they did and he explained it to them. They are both very happy. Then my daughter found out when he came out to my parents house to have dinner with us. She was happy too.

But like I said we are very happy and I am looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Thanks again for all your advice.