Hello new here and could use some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Hello new here and could use some advice
7
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 7:48pm
Hello,
New to this. I did give some advice the other day. I have been separated for three years and it was a very bad abusive marriage. And I know I have a trust problem. But on a good note, I went out for the very 1st time. I was really scared but I did it. I was married for almost 19 years. So this was a big step for me. No he wasn't right for me. We got together two times and just very different. Then I thought I won't want to go out again but with some clear thinking, I do want to go out again. It was my 1st step in getting on with my life. But I do feel confuse with this dating stuff. I am not young anymore. I am 37 and it is funny to see how times have changed. So if anyone could give me advise about dating again I would be thankful. Thank you for listening. I really wished I found this site a long time ago. Hope you all have a great night.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:11pm

Hey there, sweetapple, we're glad you found us, too!

Here's my take: if you're ready to date, it can be loads of fun. It can be frustrating too, especially if you aren't meeting people you seem to be compatible with.

My opinion is that you shouldn't go into any date expecting anything more than a good time right now. If you're meeting for dinner, meet for dinner, not dinner and the possibility of him being the one. If you're going dancing, dance and enjoy the music, don't wiegh your date's actions during every song. You get the idea.

Also, be aware that it's called the dating game for a reason. It takes time, and in order to truly "win", you have to be happy with yourself. Body issues, self esteem, trust issues... all of these things contribute to bad dates. If we aren't happy with ourselves, we can't be happy with someone else. If you get nothing from a date beyond a pleasant evening, that's okay.

I'm not sure what you're doing to actively meet people, but everyone should be actively trying to meet new people if they want to date. Even women you meet might know a great guy, or have a cousin, whatever... the key is to get out there in some capacity.

I hope I've helped some, and I'm sure the others will chime in, too.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 11:04pm

Hello and welcome to our board!

Moodygreeneyes gives very good advice - her post is very true!

I think the best thing you can do is to keep working on yourself to become happy, confident and where you want to be in life. The happier you are on your own equals the better you do in the dating field.

The best advice I can give is to sit back and carefully watch what the date presents. This is better than working yourself into a tizzy to please him. See how he interacts with you and others and how he tries to please you. Someone who only wants sex and no relationship or commitment will usually come on strong with that right away. Someone who only wants to see you as a booty call will usually call at the last minute.

But someone who is really into you will ask you out in advance. He will be concerned about where you go because he will really want to please you.

As moody said, just take each date one at a time - don't marry the person in your head or worry too much in advance - see how it goes and look at it as one evening out of the house with a potential friend or activity partner.

I think one of the most maddening things about dating at this age (I am in my 40s) is that everyone has such set preferences and hobbies and life situations. The dating pool is smaller and compatibility is hard to find. But the flip side to this is that you are not gambling as you did when you were younger - you will see what the person is all about!

Try to have fun - but more importantly keep us posted. We hope you stick around and participate in our threads.

I hope that your divorce will go through fast and smooth. Sorry you had to have such disappointment after so many years. Are you close to settling it yet? 3 years is a long time to be in limbo!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 7:39am

Hello Cl west and Moddygreeneyes and all,
Thank you for your advice. And no where to the end yet. My lawyer filed the papers no answer and then out of the blue, two months ago he got a lawyer and now at a stand still again. It is hard cause I guess I was holding on for a long time but now for myself to be able to go on I need him to let go. After all he walked out and wont even talk to me. He hasn't even talk to our daughters either since he left. I feel bad for the girls but they seem to be doing good. Tough I think like mom. I sat them down when this all took place and told them it could break us or make us. I know I still have days like why, but not to many lately. Now I just need to let it go. After all me and my daughters have gone through I just want it done. But I will say this, or should I ask this? He was the one to walk away from it all , why is he so mad???

And Clwest you are right. The 1st guy I did go out with was like the booty call guy. Moved way to fast and didn't understand my values. Try telling me he was so attracted to me. I am told grown up for that one. I will not lower my standards for anyone. If he would respect that then he might of had a chance. But moving on. I just don't want to jump into anything like that to soon. It is really nice to beable to talk to someone about this. I have a big family but sometimes I just don't think they get it. Only my one sister understands all I am going through. Everyone else was like just get on with your life. Thanks for listening. Have a great one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 6:00pm
to sweet apple2006, sending you thougts, hope you are able to take time for yourself, and take your time. cartia
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 10:03pm
Cartia,
Hello and thanks. I will take my time and now that my girls are older I am slowly learning to take time for me. My girls are and always will be my life but I have to admit I like time for me. Alot may say because I am 37 That as old but I feel my life is just starting. I am getting to know me and what wants I have. I always put others 1st but now I am finding me and you know what I like me. LOL Take care. And thanks again for being there. Have a great night.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:50am
HI sweetapple2006 thanks for the reply. I am new on ivillage. It is nice to have a place to chat with others. I am divorced and have a teenager at home. I am older, but if I was 37 would consider dating. Just get to know the people who you meet really well, before letting them into your life or your girls. For me, I am content to be a Mom and help my child meet goals and plan things I will enjoy for myself in the future. good luck, keep me posted from time to time. Have a wonderful day. best to you all. Cartia
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:58pm
Great job on taking that 1st step into the "unknown"
I was married for 9 yrs-although we lived together for 5 1st---
I was divorced for almost 4 yrs before I got the "guts" to make a move-
I dated a few men I met thru a singles online dating service for coffee
then had a friendship with someone for a yr-although not physical-it showed me I
could do this again--I then found someone and it was a 4 yr relationship-we enjoyed each other very much----but were at a dead end-both wanting different paths-we are still friends and I know I will find the guy for me---you will too---and you are YOUNG!!!
So--CONGRATULATE yourself--look in that mirror and smile-and let the world know you're alive!