Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Help
10
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:57pm

Hi, I haven't posted here before but I am a huge lurker and I know someone will have some good advice for me. I've been divorced for a year-and-a-half and separated for eight months before that. I have recently decided I'm ready to start dating. I was married just short of sixteen years.

I met a guy online who is 45 (I'll be 38 this year) and retired. We have e-mailed and IM'd each other several times over the last two weeks. He seems a little clingy and doesn't seem to have many (or any) hobbies, etc. I work full time and don't have a whole lot of friends but have several hobbies and a five year old that keep me busy. It seems kind of a struggle to find something to talk about with him.

We were IM'ing each other last night and I gave him my phone number and he called. We talked for about an hour --- there were a few awkward silences, but overall it was ok. Then this morning I had the following e-mail from him:

Good morning...........Ok how about good day, since I don't know when you're going to read this. Anyway, I just wanted you to know you made my night for me last night. It was really great to get to talk to you for a while. I just wanted to tell you to have a great day ! I'm glad I was able to make you laugh and smile a little bit. I know you did the same for me. I might add you have a really pretty voice............definitely a feminine voice. I have talked to a few that sounded like really old women and believe me, it was definitely not doing anything for me. Just to let you know, I'm not talking to or planning on seeing anybody else. Just want you to know that in case you were wondering. I'll be here, so feel free to contact me one way or another. Hope you like the background and butterflies...........they're for you!

This has completely thrown me for a loop...he's already not talking to or planning to see someone else...what the heck??? I'm looking to date first; I'm not ready for a relationship. I want to find someone (or preferably multiple men) to hang out with, do things with, I need to get to know how I feel and make sure that I don't jump into something because someone's there, available...I told him up front that I'm looking for a friend, someone to spend some time with and to have adult conversation with.

Is it ok to keep talking to the guy? Should I go out on a date with him? I am at a total loss...please, any and all advice welcomed.

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 3:06pm

Hi Tracy and glad to see you post! :)

This guy is definitely a fast mover! lol I mean, you haven't even gone out on a date and he is telling you that he is not going to see anyone else? If I were in your shoes, I would tell him upfront that you plan on dating others as well as him. If you don't, he will get the wrong impression and it's better NOT to lead him on. If he doesn't like it then NEXT him. He can't expect so much out of you so soon. You have a lot of time to date and have fun! :) You DESERVE to date and have fun!

Good luck to you!

Jennifer

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 3:21pm

Tracy, first of all Welcome! Sorry that you are already having dating trouble, but glad you joined us!
I completely agree with what Jennifer says. I think he's jumping the gun WAY to soon and he's already making you skitish! So, I would definitely set the record straight, talk to him a few more times, if you decide to go on a date with him, make it a VERY PUBLIC DATE and then see where it goes. I nver really like guys that don't have friends or hobbies. That is usually a NEXT sign for me. I have met a LOT of loners that way and they all have issues. I have also met the social butterfly, but I have got to say, a loner is more creepy then the butterfly. Ya know? I mean I don't have many friends, but I do have things that keep me busy: work, school, two children with ADD, myself with ADD (lol), my new meetup groups and the little friends that I have.
How about other perspective bites? Got any yet?

Editing to after at thought: I think you need to go with your gut. I don't think your that into him and I would suggest you just next him, if you already have strange feelings. The instinctive instinct is the best one. It's also the one I ignore and get myself into heaps of trouble because of it and afterwards want to kick myself. LOL.

I am sure the other girls will next him too. You definitely want someone you can swoon over.

Cat whose advise is pretty good, but I never take my own. :)




Edited 7/31/2007 3:37 pm ET by myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 3:28pm

Hi Tracy,


Welcome to the board.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:21pm
I agree with Alison! I would NEXT him as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:38pm

Cat, thanks for the advice...I'm really glad you went back in and edited your post. I think you're 100% right about going with my first instinct --- which I didn't, and now I really wish I had.

I don't have any other dating prospects. I have a profile (a lame one) on yahoo personals but I don't have my picture posted. I work in HR for a large chemical company and I just feel uncomfortable putting my picture out there. I'm not sure what I'm going to do to find prospective dates.

Thanks again for the words of wisdom.

Tracy (who'll follow your advice even when you don't usually take it yourself)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:47pm

Alison, thanks for the advice. You hit the nail on the head with me just being "polite", I didn't want to hurt this guys feelings because he really is a nice guy. But, stringing him along is unfair --- so even though it made me feel sick to my stomach, I sent the guy a short message saying that I don't think we're a good match. He did IM and say that he will respect my decision, but "doesn't get it". I do feel bad, but also relieved.

I do deserve someone who makes me have butterflies...and I'm holding out for that person.

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 8:53pm

Trust me- it does get easier to do.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 9:08pm

This guy is asking "why" as well...so your thought on this is just not to respond?

I don't really have any other prospects. I met this guy on the yahoo personals site. I have a really lame profile with NO picture. I work for a large chemical company in HR and I feel really uncomfortable posting my picture out there. So, without a picture there isn't much chance I'll get any prospects. I've seen several guys who I find very attractive and seem intersting, but I haven't contacted anyone.

I don't know what I'm going to do next...I really want to start getting out there having some fun.

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 9:40pm

Well, you've told him it's not a match, so block him if you can from contacting you further- and if you can't, then don't answer him.


Photobucket
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: fulloflifetoo
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:58am
Gut instinct is the best advice because it really steers you in the right direction.