Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
Help!!!
17
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 7:15am

I am a single mom of a beautiful soon-to-be 4 year old daughter. She is the single most amazing little human being, and brings me pure joy and purpous in life. We have no contact with her father by his choice and haven't since she was 10 months old.

About 1 year ago, I decided that I should begin dating again. After a couple of miserable attempts at blind-dating, I turned to online dating services. This resulted in me meeting a man from a neighboring town about 1 hour away. This man is a bachelor with no children in his life or in his past. Getting used to having a child in his life has been a very rough transition for him, and my daughter and I have felt the brunt of this for 10 months now. Don and I have been recently going to couples therapy. I decided to undergo this effort, because I convinced myself that if I were to have ANY future with this man - this was a necessary step.

At the very least, he has been very awkward around my daughter, at times jealous, and unable to accept my role as a parent or my boundaries surrounding that. He is constantly saying that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He actually tells me that I should feel lucky to have a man like him love me, and that any single mom would be lucky to have him! He has been pushing me to move in with him, so that he can help me with my finances and parenting. I am not sure that this would be a wise step for me and my daughter.

I feel this way because He has been VERY critical of my parenting style and what he perceives as my daughter's serious behavior problems. I, like any mom, love my daughter with all that I have. I don't see her occasional bossiness and temper tantrums as "serious behavior problems." I see these as somewhat typical of a three, almost four year old girl. I also believe with all my heart that I am a great mom. What can I say, I was born for this role. My daughter has definately made me a better person and brought out my true potential.

I have repeatedly asked this man to respect my boundaries in this area, but he repeatedly criticizes me. I know taht I should consider the source and realize that he has no practical experience in this area, but I am very saddened. He has recently emailed me a three- page letter detailing all of his criticisms. Each word cut like a knife, and I am still reeling in pain from this. My counselor suggests that instead of feeling pain, I should funnel this into anger and get pissed off for once.

I need help! I am so disheartened. I have given this guy all of my effort, patience and loving and I am no not at all certain which way to go. My heart tells me that I can not be truly happy with someone who doesn't like me as a mom.

:(

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: heavena
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 1:00pm

Hi Heavena- welcome to the board...


Is it better to stay with this man


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: heavena
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 3:50pm

Great writing Alison. I think your message is very good - it shows us that we can find the right person - but surely not when we are with the wrong person - and we do have to find someone who can set a good example for our kids. I think the "kids" part is a good filter - because why would you want someone who would be a bad example, anyway?

I also love what you write about hos MrRight is supposed to make you feel!!

Everyone was kind to lend support and an opinion.

Good job all!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
In reply to: heavena
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 5:04am

I want to thank everyone for the thought and consideration that went into your responses. They all helped me in their own ways to make a messy decision. Messy because of course he won't let me rest about it. I know I should beging not reading the email. I am getting tirred of hearing about how selfish my decision was to be "inflexible in this area."

I have left the man in question. I have just a couple of loose ends to tie up and then it is all done. I went to check in on my daughter as she slept last night and I was proud of making a good choice for her.

I am sad, or better yet disheartened. I can't ignore the effects his last couple of interractions have had on me. I will get over them though, in time.
Heavena

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: heavena
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 12:48pm

"I am sad, or better yet disheartened. I can't ignore the effects his last couple of interractions have had on me."


Yes, that is understandable.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: heavena
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 1:54pm

That is great insight Alison.

Heavena, as each day passes you will know you made the right decision and you will be relieved he is not causing you any more pain.

We are all here for you whenenver you want to update us.

In the mean time I hope you can focus on doing some fun things with your DD, friends, family, etc. Do stuff for you!!

Cheers - keep us posted. You know you made the right decision.

Don't be sad - you did the best you could - and so did he - but you just can't waste any more time on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
In reply to: heavena
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 2:24pm
you've gotten some really great advice on here, I'm glad you took it. Allison is SO right about everything you're about to go thru! I've been there, done that too. I would advise you to block his emails and phone numbers... There's no reason to subject yourself to the anger he's going to unleash because he's lost control of you. He "almost" had you, right where he wanted you! You need to dig down deep and get angry at what he's done and things he's said. Who does he think he is? And when you remember how bad his words hurt you...think how you just prevented your daughter from enduring those same feelings, because she was obviously next, once he had you where he wanted you. She would have never done ANYTHING to suit him! The way she cleaned her room, played sports, wore her clothes, talked to him...nothing, and then where would her self esteem be? YOU saved her! Be proud. You will feel sad and weak, that's why you need to hide it under anger until you have him at a safe distance, if he smells any weakness, he'll jump on it. And again, this is 1st hand knowledge! If you slip now, and take him back... it's even worse than before, then he thinks you CAN'T make it without him, and you really are LUCKY to have him! HE was lucky to have you and your beautiful daughter! Any good man will tell you that, she is an extension of you and more to love, not a burden.

Sarahjo

"A discussion is an exchange of intelligence, an argument is an exchange of ignorance."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: heavena
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 7:37pm

Dear Heavena, I'm soooo proud of you! I could/should have written your post 10 years ago, before I married my X (divorced 8 mos now!) And in fact, I wish I had had this board back then! I was reading your original post and my heart was aching for you knowing what I know now -- after watching the affects of the man I chose to have in my children's life as a father-figure NEVER became one, and after 10 years was still no closer to them than the day he met them.

He was jealous of my family (my parents & moved us 2000 miles away) and my friends and caused who knows how much heart-ache between my daughter and myself as she grew up (now 12). She was always seeking his approval and never quite got it -- over the years she grew jealous of the time I spent with him and it was/is very difficult dating now, because she doesn't trust men at all!!! How said, now looking back and typing this history.

Again, I'm very proud of you! You've definitely made the right decision. Think of what you did in terms of for yourself, but also for your daughter, you are a living example for her future relationships :o)

Pages