Help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Help...
13
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 1:44am

I have been seperated/divorced for 3 1/2 years and I am currently at the end of a nasty custody battle that is finishing the way it started 1 1/2 yr ago, all of my kids with me full time. There father is in another state.

My Problem is that my oldest daughter is 16 and has some problems with depression and since her father lost the custody battle he has now blammed her and his younger sister and has disowned our daughter which has ended her up in the hospital due to her depression. All of this 1 week after a first date with someone that I really like. My daughter is doing good even though she is in the hospital and remains in counseling but I am not sure if I should continue to see this person, I dont think it is fair to continue seeing him without telling him about my daughter (depression issues) because this is a new thing in our lives (the hospital). I did tell him she was in the hospital for issues with her dad but didn't go into detail. He may not call back after that and this may not be an issue with him but what about future dating? {my daughter didn't know about the person I met}

I want to start dating and meeting people but feel like the issues with my teenager will cause people to run the other direction. Should I just sit back and wait until she is off to college to start dating? My younger two are nothing like this and do not have any troubles with me meeting people.

I know I rambled on and thank you for reading this to the end. I hope you can allo give me some advice I will read it all!

Thank you,

Jojo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: jojolr2000
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 9:33am

Hello and welcome to the board! I am a single Mom with an almost 15 y/o son and 10 y/o daughter.

I have a question for you? How long has it been since your divorce was final? Is the custody battle the final step, or was it a separate issue from the divorce?

Second of all, if you have had only 1 date I wouldn't even begin to start telling someone about the personal issues/problems with my kids. You don't even know if this person will be a part of your life or not. You can mention you are having some issues with your teenager (who isn't), but you don't have to go into all the details.

If you meet the right person, they will support you in whatever struggles you have with your kids. I wouldn't wait until my kids are grown to start dating. However, if it has been less than a year since your divorce was final I would think twice about dating. You need that year to heal and figure out who you are as a single person. Not to mention that you need to establish your home with your kids and try to get things on an even keel.

I hope you stick around. The ladies here are really great and have lots of good advice!
I also hope that your daughter is able to get through her depression. My brother was hospitalized with depression and suicide issues when we were teenagers and my parents had divorced. He got the help he needed and is now a successful adult with a good career.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: jojolr2000
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 1:52pm

Hi Jojo,


Welcome to the board.


I think it may be best to take one step at a time.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: jojolr2000
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 6:33pm

Hi Jojo, and welcome to our board. Glad to have you here - hope to see you around because we always love to have new people join our discussions. I think you will learn a lot from reading all the posts.

Sorry to hear that you had to go through such a mess with the divorce and custody battle. Divorce is hard enough on everyone without a struggle like that.

My opinion is that you should take a little time to get your ducks in a huddle before you date. I don't think you have to wait until the kids are out of the house. But you should wait until you and your kids heal after the divorce - meaning a new established pattern of living on your own. For most people this takes about a year.

I know you want to date - you want to have affection and adult conversation and attention - and this seems more magnified after a divorce when you have been so neglected and disappointed. Dating in midlife is not easy. It takes time and energy and emotion - and you will find it hard when your child is undergoing such a hard time in her life.

Things will be a little easier soon and you will be in a better state of mind when you have the kids going along better. You will make a better pick for who you date and everyone will feel more at ease.

If you do choose to date, we are always here for your support. I would urge you to take things slow and not bring him around the kids until you are sure the relationship will work. Keep things on your schedule and what is good for you. The right person will stick by you - always try to be honest and upfront about your situation with the kids.

It is a shame that her father has to blame her and disown her when she is at such a hard time in her young life - I do hope you guys can get her the help she needs to deal with her issues and get back on track with her life. 16 is such a formidable age for a young woman. Keep us posted - we really care - okay?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
In reply to: jojolr2000
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 10:39pm

Thank you for all of your advice! To answer some questions... the final seperation was almost 4 years ago and the divorce was final 2 years ago in September. The only reason my ex took me back to court for custody is to avoid paying child support, the DA served him then he served me. The custody battle is pretty much over as well the attorneys are going over final visitation schedules. I have definelty taken time for myself and the kids to adjust, (we moved back into the house the kids grew up in after the seperation)the problem araises when there Dad contacts them and I dont know if that will ever end!

I would never bring someone around my kids until I was 100% comfortable with him and even then would do it very slowly as a friend. There dad did that 6 months after the seperation and now has another baby. I am ready to date but not involve the kids, is that possible?

My big mouth is the reason my friend found out about my daughter being in the hospital, by mistake, we were on the phone and when he asked what I was doing that evening in conversation it slipped that I was going to visit her. (Ooops)

I am not actively looking to date or start a relationship, but going out for dinner/ dancing with a male does sound loike fun! :)

Again thank you for your replys and I hope to stay around on the message boards because it is comforting to know that I am not the only one experiencing these ordeals. Even though you hear it all the time when you are living it you can feel alone, and family doesnt always understand.

Thanks

Jojo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: jojolr2000
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 12:38am

Jojo,

Sounds to me like you have things under control, well, as controlled as they can be at this point in time. I think it's good for you to be out dating, but if you want to take it slow and not involve the kids, then it's best to have contact when they're asleep or with their dad, or hire a sitter.

It's ok that you admitted your daughter was in the hospital, just don't delve into huge details or lean on the date as support- however tempting it is, or however supportive they seem.

How is your daughter coping with everything? Is the hopital helping her at all? Until she's stable, you don't want her to feel that you're not thinking of her, so don't tell her about your dating life right now, other than maybe you're dating if she asks. Being abandoned by her dad like she was, she needs a lot of assurance that you're not going to do the same thing.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: jojolr2000
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:50am

It sounds as though you are very settled and ready to date and will do just fine. Of course you can date and not involve the kids. Hopefully you have someone to help watch them and can figure out the logistics. I would just explain that your kids do not date - you do - and your date will understand. You will know when the time is right.

Good luck in dealing with your exh - and keep us posted on the dating process!! We always love to hear updates. And we hope you will stick around and participate in our other posts and discussions. And yes, unlike most family members, we do understand!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
In reply to: jojolr2000
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 10:22am
If it was me, I probably would be overwhelmed if I heard about a nasty custody battle ending up with a duaghter in the hospital on the first date. But, just saying that you had a daughter getting treated for depression without describing all the baggage wouldn't scare me off. And, if you can take care of your family and find time to date, why shouldn't you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: jojolr2000
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:41am

I'd probably take a few months off from dating if my child was hospitalized. A few months isn't very long to wait and see how things will play out with your daughter.

You aren't looking for a serious relatinship. So, you could just as easily hang out with some female friends. A casual relationship with a male might make you feel even lonelier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
In reply to: jojolr2000
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:38am

I personally, wouldn't disclose any info other than to say your daughter is in the hospital. If this guy feels "it" with you then he will understand that your daughter needs you right now and your relationship has to go to the back burner.
I truly believe that we brought them into the world and we are responsible for them until they can aptly take care of themselves. No man is worth what I have with my sons and I wouldn't betray them for anyone.
I'm a Mom first and everything else second right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: jojolr2000
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 6:23am

"No man is worth what I have with my sons and I wouldn't betray them for anyone."

AGREED! I also add that no man is worth my self worth. I love who I have become and am not going to change that for anyone. The right man will always respect that and your children. You will not have to sacrifice these things for the right person.

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