HELP! Dumping doubts/ cold feet
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| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:04pm |
(for background see "To dump or not to dump" from a couple of days ago)
I was all ready to give him the boot when we see each other today, and now I’m getting cold feet. This last week he’s been much better about calling, and we talked for a while last night. He told me he’d been thinking about me a lot lately. He also said he’s been thinking about what I said earlier (about him being interested in sex only), and that he’s come to the conclusion that while he can’t change that part of himself, he wants to try to balance it out by focusing on the non-physical part of the relationship. He sounded sincere, and he’s not the type of guy to feed me lines, anyway. So I am now torn between making a clean cut or giving him a chance to prove he’s capable of more than just sex. I still think that he’s not totally over the pain and emotional drain of his divorce, it not being final, but at the same time I think that he is genuinely interested in me in more than the sexual sense, and can’t really express it well at the moment.
So I wonder if instead of just completely cutting him off I should tell him that I don’t think he is ready to offer me what I want at the moment, and maybe sometime after his divorce is final and he is in better shape emotionally we could try it again, if I am available, obviously. Or would that be worse than just ending it once and for all?

Hi
I think it's okay to say that to him. If he was a dreadful person that you never wanted to see again, that's one thing. But if it's just that you two are in two different places right now, why not tell him at this time you don't want to date him but to look you up later down the road if he gets to a place where he wants a real relationship.
Who knows?
Hugs
Tara
"So I wonder if instead of just completely cutting him off I should tell him that I don’t think he is ready to offer me what I want at the moment, and maybe sometime after his divorce is final and he is in better shape emotionally we could try it again, if I am available, obviously..."
I would say this for sure. And then move on.
"So I wonder if instead of just completely cutting him off I should tell him that I don’t think he is ready to offer me what I want at the moment, and maybe sometime after his divorce is final and he is in better shape emotionally we could try it again, if I am available, obviously..."
I think that would be a good thing to say and stick to, but I won't hold it against you if you can't make a clean break. I will say this...my commitment phobic ex tried to shape up just a little bit before we split for good. Sometimes they'll give it a little try, but if they aren't ready it won't work out.
If you decide to let him try to work on things, I'd still keep my options open and stay busy doing other things. That way you aren't sitting around doing nothing when he's not around.
"If you decide to let him try to work on things, I'd still keep my options open and stay busy doing other things. That way you aren't sitting around doing nothing when he's not around."
That's my plan. He's got a bunch of stuff going on right now, for example, we might not be able to meet today because he has his study group meeting. He emailed me saying he's not sure what to do, and I said it's his call. We'll see. And I'm still going on that dancing date tomorrow.