Help! I've become the "Other Woman"
Find a Conversation
Help! I've become the "Other Woman"
| Wed, 11-16-2005 - 2:37pm |
I need some advice from other single mothers out there who might have found themselves in a similar circumstance! I have been dating a wonderful man for over a year now; he's been divorced for just over a year and a half, and I've been divorced 5 years. We both have two kids each from our previous marriages. The problem: his ex-wife. It has gone from bad to worse and back again over the last year and I actually ended the relationship several months ago because of it (or should I say, because of how he handled the situation). We got back together again 9 weeks ago after a 3 month absence. During this time apart, he developed a much more civil and friendly relationship with the ex. I was so relieved to hear this! Yet, as soon as she finds out I am back in the picture, all hell breaks loose again.
I understand rationally what she is doing, and why she acts this way. I know she is still very angry and bitter over the divorce, as well as struggling financially (as do most suddenly single mothers!), totally overwhelmed by all that single parenthood brings about, completely alone in a foreign place, and views me as a threat to the "family unit". She says awful things to my boyfriend (potshots) about him and me; or goes to the opposite extreme and refuses to acknowledge my presence in his life at all (i.e. she called him from her mother's house last Xmas to tell him how sorry she was that she took the kids away over Xmas and that she feels bad he is "alone". This conversation took place in the car while we were on our way to see the Nutcracker Ballet.) The latest round of issues is rearing its ugly head - using the kids. As we approach the holidays, she is beginning to make comments about what the "family" will be doing for holiday celebrations. When my boyfriend mentioned he'd like the kids T-giving morning/afternoon and return them in the evening so he can attend a large party with me (sans children), she came unglued and accused him of not putting his children first (ever and always, of course), said he is a terrible father, and not to forget he already has two kids (in reference to his spending time with me and my girls).
I could go on and on with all the little petty and manipulative games going on, but due to lack of space and a general distaste of this situation anyway, I just need to ask the following questions: Just how exactly do I detach from this battle? I find myself torn between feeling sorry for her and actually symphatizing with her (been there, pulled the same stunts once!) and being angry that she is going out of her way to make things difficult for us. I am finding myself more and more angry at my boyfriend AGAIN for resuing to draw clear boundaries and be firm about it. I also don't appreciate being referred to as his "friend", as if I don't have a name, when he speaks to her. And I don't like being excluded from things related to his children, such as sporting events and stuff along those lines. Especially when his 6 yr old son invites me! This whole thing feels immature and dramatic, like I've stepped into my very own soap opera. I love my boyfriend very much and we are great in every other aspect of our relationship, but I can't see myself having a future with him as long as she is still such a constant negative presence in our lives. Any suggestions???!!!!
I understand rationally what she is doing, and why she acts this way. I know she is still very angry and bitter over the divorce, as well as struggling financially (as do most suddenly single mothers!), totally overwhelmed by all that single parenthood brings about, completely alone in a foreign place, and views me as a threat to the "family unit". She says awful things to my boyfriend (potshots) about him and me; or goes to the opposite extreme and refuses to acknowledge my presence in his life at all (i.e. she called him from her mother's house last Xmas to tell him how sorry she was that she took the kids away over Xmas and that she feels bad he is "alone". This conversation took place in the car while we were on our way to see the Nutcracker Ballet.) The latest round of issues is rearing its ugly head - using the kids. As we approach the holidays, she is beginning to make comments about what the "family" will be doing for holiday celebrations. When my boyfriend mentioned he'd like the kids T-giving morning/afternoon and return them in the evening so he can attend a large party with me (sans children), she came unglued and accused him of not putting his children first (ever and always, of course), said he is a terrible father, and not to forget he already has two kids (in reference to his spending time with me and my girls).
I could go on and on with all the little petty and manipulative games going on, but due to lack of space and a general distaste of this situation anyway, I just need to ask the following questions: Just how exactly do I detach from this battle? I find myself torn between feeling sorry for her and actually symphatizing with her (been there, pulled the same stunts once!) and being angry that she is going out of her way to make things difficult for us. I am finding myself more and more angry at my boyfriend AGAIN for resuing to draw clear boundaries and be firm about it. I also don't appreciate being referred to as his "friend", as if I don't have a name, when he speaks to her. And I don't like being excluded from things related to his children, such as sporting events and stuff along those lines. Especially when his 6 yr old son invites me! This whole thing feels immature and dramatic, like I've stepped into my very own soap opera. I love my boyfriend very much and we are great in every other aspect of our relationship, but I can't see myself having a future with him as long as she is still such a constant negative presence in our lives. Any suggestions???!!!!

Hi there and welcome.
Sorry you have to go through this.
There is nothing you can do about her. I think he needs to manage her, set boundaries and control the impact she has on you or lose you.
For example, I don't think he should tell her he wants the kids in the morning so he can see you at night. I don't think he should mention you at all and he should not allow her to say things about you.
Realistically, though, I don't think this relationship is about the two of you. I think it is all about her and him not having the dust settled. I would be inclined to tell him honestly about how her actions make you feel. But there is nothing more you can do. Either he protects you from her and puts her in his place or it is not going to work. Take a step back, don't hold your breath and see what happens after you explain this to him.
Maybe the others here will have good advice, too. I have not dealt directly with a situation like this, but I know how that would make me feel and I would not like it. I also see that you do not always have control over something and sometimes it is better to walk away and wait for a good situation for you rather than put up with all of this and hope it is going to change.
I have found a page with links to help you:
http://www.bonusfamilies.com/modules.php?name=ExEtiquetteCounter
Good luck - keep us posted!!
(edited to add bonusfamilies.com link)
Edited 11/16/2005 3:13 pm ET by cl-west1745
Thanks again!
I had the same thought as Judy, he shouldn't be mentioning you or anything about his personal life when he talks to her.
akgirl71,
Welcome to the board.
Does your boyfriend have a visitation schedule with his children? If not, he should petition the court for one. This would ensure that he gets holiday time and regular visits without the ex having her way all the time.
Your problem really is that your boyfriend has not set boundaries with his ex. My exh has visitation with my DS and he attends parent-teacher conferences with me and I keep him up to date on medical issues concerning DS, but my exh does not talk to me about my life...nothing. I would not allow it. He calls and talks to DS every day, but he does not chit chat with me. If he gets me on the phone and starts talking about me, he hears a *click* and I just end the conversation right there. We are divorced and his access into my private life has ended.
If your boyfriend is not setting boundaries for himself, he is holding on to the past. I've seen people do this even with exes that they "hate". It's unfortunate, but if he doesn't take control of this situation your relationship with him will be extremely difficult...if not, impossible.