help me choose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
help me choose
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 4:42pm I have been in long serious relationships back to back forever, so when my last boyfriend and I broke up I decided to just date for a while and have fun and not commit right away. Well, I recently lost about 50 lbs, so I wasn't used to the kind of attention I got right away from so many guys. I went on several dates, so good some bad. It has been about 6 months of this. There have been 5 guys out of all of these that I have not been able to help but become somewhat emotionally attached to. I care about them so much and have a desire to pursue things further with all 5! I know that the only way I can pursue it further with any of them is to let the others 4 go, but I don't want to hurt or lose any of them :(. I will explain to you the circumstances behind these 5 men and please tell me honestly what you think I should do. Ultimately, I will try my best to follow my heart, but some advice is sorely needed because my heart is pulling me in 5 different directions...

1-Aaron- Aaron and I have been best friends with the same girl as long as I can remember. We have been in the same place at the same time for a couple years at her parties and such. He was separated from his wife the same time I broke up with my boyfriend who lived with me and we both ended up at the friend's house the same night. We had instant chemistry and were very attracted to eachother all of a sudden. He is exactly what I like physically also. We have now been hanging out and spending time together/dating for about 2 months. I have a lot of fun with him and he is the only guy in a long time that makes me nervous. I always try to look good and clean out my car and stuff befor I see him and thats really not like me usually. We even have fun doing laundry :), we do our laundry together every wed. He is legally still married to his wife. He has a son that I adore and he adores my son as well. He knows what it is like to be a dad. He tells me he wants more eventually and that he feels very positive about us. However, he does send mixed signals, he seems to play with his phone the entire time we are together sometimes and that is very irritating, and every time we make plans it seems that he doesn't want to stay very long, he always gets sleepy early and wants to go to bed. He also talks about himself constantly and when I say something about me, he almost always changes it around to be about him and tries to "one up" me if that makes sense. I really like him, but these things are bothering me. I talked to him about some of it and he said he wants me and really likes me and he is just challenging himself to take it slow because he wants to make sure we are both in it for the right reasons and not just because we want to be with someone, and we are both very busy and ambitious and he says he wants us to keep concentrating on those things too.

2- Adam- Adam and I met when we were about 16. We have dated a few times and I usually broke his heart. I have started seeing him again and it is going to be horrible if I do it again. I would end up dumping him for some guy that would always end up breaking my heart. Adam is very sweet. We are also good friends. We have come to eachother over the years for advice with our significant others even, but we always ended up having a little fling in between them. Adam and I love eachother very much, but there had to be some reason I kept breaking up with him all those years. I don't know if it was just my fear of commitment at the time, the fact that I knew if I decided to be with him we would be together forever and I wasnt ready for that, or if we were just incompatible in that way. He is cute and very sweet. He has a degree and loves me and my son. However, he smokes cigarettes constantly and I don't like that because it is unhealthy, it tempts me to do it all the time, and my son has asthma. Also he lives a little ways away and he also works a job where he works graveyard every day. He only has sundays and mondays off so I would never have him on the weekend when I am off. The only other thing is that he has a lot of tattoos and peircings. I kind of think they are sexy, but it makes me nervous bringing him around my family. My mom loves Adam, but my dad has never officially met him because of this.

3-TJ- I met TJ on a comping trip with some mutual friends. Everyone was all coupled up and we were single. We hung out all weekend together and partied and had a great time. We had both recently become single and were feeling very flirtatious. While both of us were trying to have a casual fling and just somebody to make out with for the weekend, we ended up talking a lot and really getting to know eachother and liking eachother. After the camping trip, we had made plans to go on a date when we got back. We also hung out the night after getting back and talked all night. I stayed the night at his house, but no sex. A couple days later he sent me a text saying he liked me a lot but had to try to work things out with his ex. A few weeks later, he found me online and said he had been "stalking me" for days trying to find me because he made a huge mistake. He said the whole time he was with his gf all he could think about was me. He broke up with her and started trying to find me. I have been making it hard on him, but I finally gave him a chance to take me out again. He has been treating me like a princess, he owns a lawn service company and makes sure they come by regularly to take care of mine free and is constantly telling me that I am so cute and he is blown away by me and all the things I do. It feels good. However, I know he smokes pot and that's not something I like to have around. Also, I worry about whether or not he is sincere or if he is just rebounding after his gf. He is really cute and I feel a certain connection with him, but im not sure if it is real.

4-Clint- I actually met Clint online. I decided to make a dating profile soon after my last bf and I broke up and Clint's profile basically was the male version of mine. We have so much in common it's unreal. He has a son about the same age as mine and we took the boys on our first date to go put put golfing. It was so much fun. It was a disaster but in a cute way, ball and putters got thrown in the river by the toddlers, I accidentally pegged a lady in the head with my golf ball lol, and more. Anyway, we have been hanging out some more and he is an awesome kisser and we have a lot of chemistry. He is very ambitious and I like that. He is also funny :). The only problems are there are a couple things about him that I don't like much physically :( and I haven't been dating him long enough to know if it is strong enough to lose the others over or if it still just a new thing.

5-Mark- Last but not least is Mark. I do wedding photography and Mark is a DJ. We ended up meeting eachother at a wedding we were both working. It was the most fun wedding I have ever been to, and mostly just because he was there :). We ended up exchanging numbers before we left. After we started talking on the phone, we talked on the phone for hours almost every night. Physically, he is not really my type at all and we haven't even really been on a date yet, but I have probably spent more time talking to him than almost anybody. He is very sweet and romantic. He is also a musician and I love that. He has the most beautiful voice. The only problems are, not super attracted to him physically and though I am Christian, he is VERY Christian and I worry that our lifestyles would conflict. He does drink sometime and does have sex, but he on;y does Christian music and I don't know if he would be offended by my music, tv shows, or basic lifestyle.

Any imput could be extremely helpful. I find myself falling for 5 guys at the same time and don't want to hurt them or lose them :(...I know I can't have an intimate relationship unless I pick one of them and it is on its way to being that way with all 5. I know that isn't right. I have to make a descision


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 7:33pm

hello, first let me say that i can relate to dating 5 guys at once. there is a time in everyone's dating life to explore the different types out there and not get attached. with that said, tho, i also think that after dating a few that either ONE will stand out from the rest or they all stay on pretty much an even plane.... even attachment/no attachment.

I honestly think that if ONE isn't standing out, then you may not truly feel anything for them. My question is.... is one rising above the rest? Or do they all have some things you like, while others have something else. If the latter is the case, i say continue to date all of them ... (but without sex, unfortunately).... when the right one worthy of exclusivity comes along, i think you'd be able to narrow it down. Perhaps you can start by ranking them 1 to 5. See how the ranking fluxuates from week to week. I used to do this. I called it my "man list".... some stayed near the top while others dropped off... i always had a different guy to go out with each weekend or midweek date. It didn't much matter to me which one it was... just someone to enjoy a movie with, or a dinner, or a drink. But mind you, i did NOT have sex with any of them.... it was a casual, fun, outing / being social.

Some of this board lovingly pointed out that none had exclusive staying power... and at the time I was okay with that. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. If i did feel the need to have sex, I picked only ONE as an FWB. But I continued to date the others and see where things were heading. I believe it is a viable dating stage (perhaps what is called "playing the field" but i think it's more of an exploritory stage). I don't think there is anything wrong about this stage.... I don't think the guys are expecting more either. If one were to ask you to be exclusive perhaps, then you'd have to consider whether you wanted that with that person. Otherwise, keep smiling and enjoy this stage of your dating life.

I think when the right ONE comes along or rises to the top... you will know it! And you will not desire to be with anyone else. My opinion is that there is no rush. Enjoy the attention. Learn about yourself. Meet new people. Discover what is out there.... And feel free to share some of your dating stories.

welcome to the board,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 10:50pm

Ok... you have a history of back to back long term relationships... and you've only been dating casually for about 6 months? Is this right?

If so, why RUSH? Why do you have to CHOOSE?