Help me decide?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Help me decide?????
5
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 3:56pm

Ok, so separated guy filed! Now his STBX is going to get served. That is the good news.

Here is my dilemna! He has a wedding to go to, a friends wedding next month. He wants me to go...even if it is just as friends (ie no public affection). His parents will be there. He mentioned to them that he was going to bring a date, and they all didn't seem to mind.

On one hand I would love to go. I love getting dressed up and the thought of dancing with him and meeting the people he knows sounds great. besides one of the best ways to know a person is to know the people they associate with.

On the other hand, I am afraid people will speculate that I am the reason he is getting divorced. THIS IS NOT TRUE, but you know how people are. I don't want to feel like I should be wearing the scarlet letter.

Would you
1. Not go to the wedding at all
2. Go but just as friends
3. Go as we are; dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 5:12pm

oooh, that's a tough one. I am not sure I would attend the wedding. Weddings are tricky situations for new couples to begin with, and to toss in the fact that he is still legally married and all of the issues that come with that, would probably make me shy away.

I'm not one to care too much about what others assume, except that these are his friends and family and how you are introduced to them will set the tone for the rest of your relationship with them. It's nice that he wants you to meet his family and friends though!

It really comes down to your own scruples and comfort level with this. I'd personally be inclined to wait for the next opportunity, sometime later, after his divorce is final. Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:05pm

Do you have a 4th choice? That is hard. If it were me, I'd probably opt not to go and to keep things low key until the divorce is final. He should go to the wedding as the separated man that he is. You will look all the more gracious when you do meet everyone publicly because you were tactful about the relationship. Depending on who is at the wedding who knows the STBX, there may be a mix of emotions and opinions about your guy bringing a date to a formal event so soon. As orange suggested, those feelings and opinions will likely stick awhile. A sense of -even temporary- sympathy for his ex could cause you to be estimated negatively.

On the other hand... Did the marriage end because of something the STBX did- an affair, for instance? In that case, there is less of a chance that bringing you will result in scandal. PPl will expect your guy to go on- they'll even be happy to see him with a date. To some degree, I think it depends on the circumstances of his marriage/divorce. If you aren't clear enough on how it will be viewed, I'd be safe and not go. You never go wrong when you act with class.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 7:22pm

I'm leaning towards not going. It's got to be tempting to go, it might be fun and be fine. But I think it would be better to meet his friends and family after the divorce is final, or nearly final at least. He just filed, who knows how this will go. Some divorces take a couple months, some take years. It's hard to predict. Better to wait and see and then once you know it *went* smooth, then you can make an appearance 'officially' as his gf.

I dated while separated, and my friends and family knew, and my ex knew. But I didn't broadcast it to extended family or to co-workers because I felt some would think it was scummy to date while still legally married. I wouldn't let their opinions dictate how I ran my life, but I did consider them when deciding how 'public' to be about my dating.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:16pm
I wouldn't go to the wedding at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:35pm

Don't go.

If you don't go, nothing will happen. But if you do go, then you risk wearing that scarlet letter and it just makes a bad scene. I think that is just too much - better to be more casual right now.

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