Help me with this, please
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| Sun, 07-13-2008 - 10:57am |
Sorry if this is long, but I really need help.
A little background. I've been divorced since May 07, but ex was basically gone emotionally since Jan 06 (new "friends", hookers, AA...interesting mix, no?). We were married 18 years, since I was 24 (I'm 44 now), our two kids are 13 and 16. Kids have little contact with ex, as he now lives in another state with a woman my kids have never met (which changes this coming weekend...). Our 18 years were filled with tremendous drama, walking on eggshells, my and the kids needs always coming last, last, last.
Ex claims some of reasons he left was that I was too heavy, he was never really attracted to me (I was the type he SHOULD marry, not wanted to marry)...like he was doing me a favor or something. He was emotionally unavailable, a complete narcissist. Yet I used all MY energy trying to keep the marriage together, not only for the sake of the kids, but I thought that was what you were SUPPOSED to do. My friends and family could never understand why I stayed so long. The help of a therapist helped me to realize that abuse can be emotional and verbal, not just physical.
Jump to today. For the last couple of months I have been playing around with OLD. Talked to a few people, went out on a few dates which went nowhere. Then I met a guy a few weeks ago who has really gotten into my head.
But my problem is, I don't know how to deal with it. He is very kind, very funny, very smart, single dad with sole custody of his child. He responds to my emails pretty quickly. We've been out a few times and are supposed to meet this coming weekend, when all our kids are away. He remembers every detail of what I say in my emails and what we have talked about. Doesn't mind my extra pounds. He asks me questions about how I feel about things (for instance the other night he asked me if I was nervous about seeing him again, then reassures me that I am not nuts). When my 13 year old started calling me during our date, he insisted that I take the call and when we left the restaurant he insisted that I sit down on a bench and call her back to make sure everything was ok.
OK, here is where the help is needed. I am having such a hard time accepting that this person could be for real. I have always gone for guys who practically declare love on the first date, get to me in a bad way, hang a little lure over me and make me jump through hoops, treat me like just being with them is the reward. Part of me is scared to death to get involved with this guy because a)he is taking it slow, from what I am used to b)he actually listens to me c)he seems truly interested in what I have to say.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and find out something horrible, but that doesn't seem to be happening. This is going to seem odd, but in all honesty I really don't know, but is what is happening to me now how NORMAL men behave? Really, I have never had this kind of experience so my emotions are all over the place. I am used to the BAD reaction of needing to be with the person 24/7 immediately, so going slow seems so strange. Part of me wants to give up now, assuming that I will be hurt (I have nothing to base this on!)
Sorry for the length. But I really need some help so I don't blow this one.

Hello and welcome!!
I am sorry that you had to have such a long and bad marriage to a man who apparently was from the 'all about me' camp. But good to hear you are out and putting your life back together!!
It sounds like you have found a nice one- and that you just need to give it time to see how it unfolds and if he is what he says he is. I think we all have thoughts like this - that is normal - and it is good that you have the approach that he needs to prove himself over time.
The only thing I can add - is that if after a few months it is still going good and you are still afraid you might want to get some more counseling just to make sure that you don't have baggage that will get in the way of being able to have a good relationship. It could help, too, for you to have a few interests and activities that will help boost your self esteem - focus on loving YOU more!! Then everything else will fall into place.
I think, too, that it will help you a lot to post your stories here as you go along - and to read our board and participate in our posts - you can learn a lot about dating and relationships by listening to others.
HUGS and Welcome!!
It's interesting what you said about "giving it time". When my date and I were talking (he asks a lot of very pointed questions..I accused him of secretly being a therapist!) the issue of me needing "control" came up several times (by me).
I think I spent so much time in my marriage trying to control an out of control situation that I think I need to orchestrate every moment of my life in order to avoid discomfort. What I am trying to do is NOT do that now, not trying to project what is going to happen in x number of days, weeks, etc. And it is so hard to just let things happen as they may.
Thanks for "listening"!
Welcome,
If you've been reading through the posts here, then you realize you are not alone. Plenty of us are still on the road to recovery after years with an abusive/alcoholic/narcissistic or all of the above, X. What you are feeling now with this new guy is completely normal. It is great he is taking things slow. YOU need to take things slow so you can make rational choices. Is he the right guy for YOU, not are you good enough for him.
Relax, enjoy just dating. It is hard to keep the attitude that this is not the next Mr. Right. What I mean by that is don't go into new relationships with the attitude that you expect this guy to become a serious relationship. That just puts too much pressure on both of you far too soon. It is good to hold back the emotions a bit and see how things go. Does he treat you well? Is he kind, funny, thoughtful? Do you share the same attitude about money? Do you share religious beliefs? How does he treat waiters, flight attendants, service personnel of any kind? How does he treat his family? his X? Only you can determine what are the important issues for you.
And hopefully, your counselor has helped you separate your self image from your X's perception of you. Don't take anything he ever had to say about you to be reality. If you feel dissatisfied with your weight then it is up to you to do something about it. If you are happy with who you are, then great. My X is very much a narcissist. He constantly criticized everything about me including blaming me for his infidelity. I was a size 2, yes a size 2, and he still complained I was too fat and that justified his looking elsewhere- with a woman who outweighed me by 15-20 lbs. It is just a rationalization on the psycho's part. Has NOTHING to do with you.
So good luck with this new guy. If it does not work out so be it. There really be another one. There is nothing more attractive to decent men than an independent, got her act together, doesn't NEED a man for anything kind of woman.
QueenBun, who spent 30 years walking in your shoes with my X PsychoBoy
I know this sounds dumb, but I am really struggling with the taking it slow part. The problem is, every relationship I ever had before was 100 mph out of the blocks. It was instant coupledom, instant love, etc. Of course, all of these were horrible toxic relationships!
So now, on the one "older-learning-from-my-mistakes" hand, I appreciate the idea of taking it slow, but, on the other hand, I am not sure what it means. How do I know the difference between taking it slow and one party losing interest? How do I stop worrying that if an email isn't answered ASAP I am not being dumped?
This jumping back in the game is much harder than I thought it would be. Getting the dates isn't the hard part, it is just that I don't think my HEART can handle it.
........IMO with TIME
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
Yes, it is hard to keep the reins on your heart. It is hard not to overanalyze and overreact to every little thing a guy does. I still do that, I just don't tell my BF,LOL! I don't call or send distraught e-mails, I try to wait and see how things go. If the guy decides some day I'm just not the right one for him, I know I can't control that. I can only control how much I let it effect me.
It is hard for all of us on this board to just let things be. But it is a lot more peaceful when you do. Most of us try to spend time on ourselves, doing things for ourselves that have nothing to do with being in a relationship. When your life is very full and satisfying, even without a guy in it, then you can relax about the guy you choose to share yourself with.
QB
I do have a full life: two teens, great job, lots of interests and family nearby. I don't have a lot of friends, which kind of sucks, but I have only been in the area a year now.
I really swore to myself that when I started dating again that I would NOT let myself get sucked into this nonsense. I am really determined to try to avoid people who play games with me. I decided that I would be the boss and direct how these things go, but it doesn't seem I can really do it.
I just don't know when I am being played or when someone just isn't getting to their computer. I don't know what the 'rules' are...after all, none one had a home computer the last time I was dating! So here is how I feel so stupid. How long do you wait for someone to respond to an email? On Sunday, I texted him, he responded within the hour, but haven't heard anything since. How long is too long?
As I said before, all the men I dated before went for 24/7 contact immediately, so I don't know what normal people do!
This person I was seeing made me feel, for the first time in soooo many years, that I was attractive and desirable. Honestly, I didn't expect that to happen. Being with him made me realize how crappy my ex treated me, so the positive attention was downright addictive.
I feel so dumb.