Help, please, please, please......
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Help, please, please, please......
| Wed, 01-02-2008 - 7:57pm |
I haven't been here at ivillage for a really long time about 4yrs to be eact. Anyway, I have been a single mom to my 7yo son for almost 4yrs now. My son has no contact with his father, I work a full time job, and we live with my folks due to my father's medical needs (nothing major, Dad just can't be alone for long periods of time). My son plays ice hockey and we are at the rink 4-6 days a week, after school, and weekends. I have basically been able to use my very full life as a great excuse to not get involved with guys. I have had friends (the naked and horizontal kind). Anyway about 3.5 months ago I ran into a guy I knew before I had my son. We began to hang out quite a bit. He is a really great guy, and we have alot of fun together. He has met my son (by accident at the playground, he was there with his son.) The kids had a great time together, and he has seen my son twice since then. My son and him seem to get along real well. I see this guy everyday, either for two minutes during the day, or a few hours after my son goes to bed. He keeps asking what "are we", my answer is very much an avoidance of the question. I say you're a male human, and I'm a female human. I really like this guy, he is the only "friend" I've had that has ever met my son, and my son seems to like him. I know I want more with him, but on the other hand I've been real comfortable with the way my life has been. I don't have to answer to anyone, I can do whatever I want (to a certain extent) and not have to worry about angering or hurting someone. I don't even know if I know how to be in a relationship anymore......I seriously don't want to hurt this guy, I want to be with him, but I have a huge fear that once I'm in it I'll freak out even more than I am now......PLEASE HELP????


First of all! Welcome to the Board! You my dear are at the right place for advice. Although, I personally can't give you any. I'm a sabatoger in my own relationships. I absolutely FREAK when I feel someone is getting to close into my life. Although, I have kept trying since my divorce to be in a relationship, I know that sooner or later I just freak out and back out. I do keep telling myself that all of them had one issue or another, but I do see my own patterns of behavior to know that it isn't just them.
My boyfriend now handles the situations pretty well thus far. I think it's just a matter of time when
Hi Goaliemom,
Welcome.
Well, there is SOMETHING here that makes you feel this way. Do you think it is something this one says or does? Or do you think it is your past?
Are you over your past? By "over your past" I mean do you see, in an objective manner from both sides, why the relationship failed and why you are glad you had that person in your life and that you forgive what happened?
Some say that the relationship we had with our parents does influence future relationships and that if we did not have the perfect childhood we might want to focus more on this and healing from it.
Also, I do think that now that we are older, we see what it takes to make a committed long term relationship work - and we see who we are and we know that love is not enough. So we are wiser. We also have more at stake with our jobs, children and possessions. So we are more careful - this is a good thing!!
Hi, and welcome!
Hi goaliemom and welcome :)
If you're not ready for something more with him, it's ok to feel that way.
M and I make time to spend at least one full weekend together every month, no kids. We talk on the phone pretty much daily, even if it's just to say goodnight, sweet dreams. But we maintain separate households, separate finances, keep the kids mostly out of our relationship. We fully expect to be together for a lot longer, have met one another's friends and family, yet, we agree that anything more than what we have now is too much too soon. We both need our space sometimes and respect that need in one another.My mom just said to me today how great it was that I have my independence and while I don't need a man to make me happy, I have a man in my life who does make me very happy.
You and this man enjoy one another's company then tell him that. Men aren't the only ones who "need their space" and he'll understand that concept. "I really like you, want to see where this will go, but I have to go slow and sometimes I just need my space" -something along those lines sure will beat avoiding the subject.
QueenBun
We are often most afraid of the unknown.
myprecioustwo you are describing what CNDG is going through or HAS gone through with me, i.e. not wanting to be "together" because that would mean losing her newly found independence.
What I love about her is her self awareness of her stuff and how she communicates that with me. I am able to give her space and time which has made a huge difference in our month long relationship. In fact, she has now come to a place where she can actually reveal she is going out with me to her friends.
Good for you for recognizing your own patterns.
Welcome goaliemom!
Mark
---
May your soul be at rest.
May your heart remain open.
May you realize your own true nature.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer
"Waiter, I'll have what she is having."
Queenbun, this is exactly what I want. You describe it perfectly.
QueenBun