HELP!! Please??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
HELP!! Please??
18
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 2:14am
Okay. I am scared, in love, and just flat out don't know what to do. I met this awsome man who I fell in love with on our first (blind)date! We have be inseperable since we started dating. But I am having a hard time iwth one thing-his work. He owns his own company-which is awesome, and I support him 100% And I told him that from the beginning. He explained to me about his scedule from day one and how it is not a Mon-Fri 9-5 typical job. That he would work long, off the wall hours. He said if that was problem, I needed to leave then-this was the beginning. I told him no, it was not a problem, he means to much to me to leave him over something so simple. Well, the company is at a stage right now where it is taking almost all of his time. I know he feels horrible for it, and I still support him 100% But it is getting hard on me. We went from being inspeperable in the beginning to now, well, I spent last weekend with him-only because we were working together. I left Monday afternoon from being with him since last Saturday night. I then didn't get to see him until last night-Thirsday night-late at night, for just a couple of hours before he had to leave for work again. I was supposed to see him tonight, but plans got canceled. I am not hoping to spend Sunday night with him, as I am leaving out of state Monday mornign for 3 days. I mis him SO much. We talk on the phone constantly. But like tonight, we were talking for a long time, and I was just dreading for the time to come when he said he needed to get off the phone. Well, that happened, he wanted to go to sleep-understandable-but I want to be with him, we were supposed to be together-and well, not that he is doing anything wrong, I just miss him. How do you deal with someone who has to work so much? I know things will calm down over the next few months, and all of this is working towards our future together, but its hard right now.Oh, and the part about I know its hard on him too...when he came over last night, he stopped to buy me a bouquet of a dozen white roses(my favorite) just to tell me he was sorry he has had to work so much and he hopes I don't get tired of this schedule and leave him over it. That thought has never crossed my mind-but its hard-I miss him so much! How do you deal with those feelings of missing someone so much and wanting to just be with him, hold him, hug him, and just be in his presence? Please-I have to do something to get my feelings under control. I am going crazy right now not being able to be with him! :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 9:40pm
I like the idea of the card. Though, he is on his way to my place right now and we will be staying out this way tonight until I have to leave in the morning. So I won't be able to do that, though I really do like it. So I think what I am going to do is make him a card right now on my pc(I don't have tome to get to a store! lol) and then I will drop it in the mail early in the morning before I leave. That way he will get it probably on Tuesday, no later then Wednesday, so he will have it before I return. thanks! :) I will let oyu know how it goes! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 5:54am

"he will be crawling into be with me, cuddling up next to me and holding me"
You cannot assume that. In time, after the sparkle disappears he might only collapse and fall asleep. He might only spend time with the kids and leave little for you.

I would not touch a workaholic again. After 10 years of that I became very resentful of anything else he did outside of work because there was so little left after work. He was too tired and consumed to have anything more. I never got over being alone every Saturday night or so much during the week or when I was very sick and pregnant and no one was here to help me or cook for me. Later I tried being creative and taking DS out to dinner - dressed him up as a date many nights. In time I put my energy on my business - and was successful with that. But we never really had special time or grew as a couple and then we grew apart.

Love is like a beautiful flower in the garden. It is a blessing when it appears. But it takes a lot of time and nurturing to keep it growing. You have to build a history of memories along the way so that when the bad times come, as they always do, you have something worth fighting for. You have to have 2 people willing to both put each other first and have a 2 way street.

I am not saying this won't work - but please take your time and see that it will be okay after a few years - not just now when you are in the infatuation stage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 10:38am

"The nice thing is that he does see money is not everything and has not problem taking off time when it is important. I know he would never miss anything that involves his children, he was at everyone of their moms doctor's appointments while she was pregnant with them both, there for both deliveries, and has never missed a schol function with them."


Um, singlemomofgt, you may want to check with BF's ex-wife or his kids to see if they remember it the same way.

Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 9:16pm

Stephanie - you sure hit the nail right on the head with this one:
"I was OK at the time because I was a YUPPIE professional with a busy life of my own and no kids of my own...."
BINGO - that is totally the scene. I like you and WAS sort of okay with it in the beginning because I had a killer career. But when DS came along that changed everything. EXMIL became a stronger issue as well with her expectations.

I think that people who are workaholics suffer from some self esteem issue and they really are not capable of having a relationship with another person. If they have a failed relationship from this issue and are still repeating it with another person that is a huge red flag in my opinion. And a workaholic with his own business is like big trouble.

One missed date/event becomes so so many more. I am just so over that and I still have to deal with it because I have to watch my own son be disappointed the same way I was - that is unbearable pain.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 8:25pm
I can see your side and your point. I can see the sour sides of being with a workaholic, and really, I can only hope it doesn't turn sour. I mean, I know we will have our hard times, but from what I have seen with him so far and heard from how he has been in the past, he puts the important things first, before work, as far as activities. I know the day to day attention is just as important if not more important, but most nights he is home done working by 6, no later then 7pm. There are occassions where he has to leave in the middle of the night, or come home really late, but so far, I have been lucky that hasn't overruled us as a couple. What I was meaning about him coming home to crawl into bed with me is those nights that he is off no later then 7pm, but he is too tired to drive to my house, which is 40 minutes away and fight the traffic, so he just goes home. I know eventually, assuming things go as they are now, if we were to be married and/or living together, then those nights where he just wants to go home and collapse on the couch, it will be next to me. So we will see. i guess only time will tell. THanks for the advice and all the help! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 8:43pm

I again see all of those points. I don't think any of you are trying to discourage me, I appriciate everything being said on these posts. As far as if this is what I want. So far, yes, with him, I am extremely happy. He told me from day one the type of schedule he worked and told me if it was something I couldn't handle, then best pull out now, before we got too serious. Which I agree. I truly do see the lifestyle he has and we are living so far is something I can live with and not feel that I am having to "deal with it" ot make sacrafices in order to be with him. I mean, we all make sacrafices, son't get me wrong, I am not blind to that. But I do not feel I am having to give up a lot to chase him around. Okay, does that make sense? I can't seem to get into typing what I am trying to say. I just....I have found a wonderful man, who is wonderful with my children, has two beautiful wonderful children himself, who I can't wait for the 6 of us to be able to become one big happy blended family. I know the risks I am taking, and I am prety sure I know what all I am getting myself into and know I am ready for it. I know there will be hard times, as there always is. I know he is head over heels over me as I am him, and we both agree we should not have to sacrafice anything for anyone, but work together and meet in the middle of the road. We see each other as equal partners in our relationship and agree it has to be 50/50 in order to work. So seeing all of that upfront, I can only leave it at time will tell and we will take it a day at a time. So again, thank you for everything.

Oh, by the way, in reading my previous posts, you all have seen me talk about having to leave out of the state earlier this week. Well, I was looking for ideas of something sweet I could do for my sweetheart to let him know I was thinking of him while I was gone. On Monday morning, really early before we left, I had written a little note to say I was thinking of him and missed him. I slipped it in the mail and left for Utah. Well, on Wednesday, he called me just to tell me he had received the note and thought it was really sweet I had done that.(This was amoungst several other calls we had had between one anpother throughout the week)So i think I scored some brownie points on the sweetness side with that! :)

Thanks again! Talk to everyine soon, he is on his way over for dinner right now, so I need to get back to cooking!lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 10:38pm

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think you have received some great tips here and good things to think about. Only you can decide what is right for you. And we are here no matter what. It was nice to have you on our board - you do sound very sweet. I also enjoyed hearing Steph's story - good to hear someone else has gone through that.

Keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 4:21pm

I have definately received some great tips. Thank you so much to everyone. I will be sure to keep everyone posted as things prgress and hopefully after the holidays pass, things will go back to as they were and a litle calmer and all will progress happily and as smooth as possible. Again, thank you to everyone, and I have enjoyed readsing about everyone's experiences and advice. I appriciate everything. You all are wonderful! :)

Thanks! :)
Dani

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