HELP - what do I say to this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
HELP - what do I say to this?
9
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 5:26pm

Okay - I have been trying my hand at OLD on eharmony. I have met a guy I will call eRunner - short for an executive who is a runner. He is okay - no red flags - nothing to cause the hair pin trigger on the delete key. I am not so sure about a book he listed that has a religious nature - will have to ask about that.

We have had to go through an incredible amount of eharmony rigamarole to get to open communication. One of the questions we both asked each other was "why did you join eharmony?"

To that I replied that when you are in your 40s the dating pool has receded - it is not so plentiful like being in your 20s. And although I am very active with a lot of friends I have not had access to many quality singles and don't like bars. I like the safety and intelligence of eharmony. I am looking for friendship first - no flings and certainly not marriage tomorrow.

When asked that question he said he would say the same as me. But he had a setback because a woman he met on eharmony and took to lunch looked nothing like her picture - she was very overweight and out of shape so he had a bit of a setback.

Now that we are in open communication, here is what he writes,
"You are way to cool! 1/2 ironman??? Now I am scared! (only kidding). I run, work out, and ride my bike. I have run the military marithon in Wash DC / 4hrs 10 mins. It was my first and only?
I was track & cross-country in HS, but that was 100 yrs ago...
Wow, this is really special I never have emailed or even wanted to speak with someone my own age.
I am a bit nervous about this eharmony thing after Saturday's experience, but you certainly have peaked my interest.
See ya,"

Okay - it is great that he thinks I am in shape for my age - which I am - do look like the photos I put on there. But is it wrong for me to shake my head at his 2X the mention of the bad date on Saturday - that has nothing to do with me and I am sure I have had many more bad OLD dates, thank you. Plus he doesn't ask me anything about me. And I am not sure what to write to that.

Maybe you guys will have ideas - and maybe I am not ready for this again. Not sure. HELP ME!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 5:44pm

Give him another chance. Ask him a few open-ended questions, and tell him a little about yourself, but in a way that would lead him to ask more. If he pushes too quickly for a face to face meeting for your comfort, or continues to contact you only to talk about himself and his bad dates, drop him.

Maybe he's only met one person face-to-face, and that scared him, since she wasn't what she purported to be. Maybe it's a good sign that honesty is important to him- hopefully, he'll be honest with you! If he continues to mention other people and not ask more about you, there's a problem.

Let us know how it goes!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 10:08am
Let's face it. Men are not always the brightest crayons in the box. Sounds like he may be fairly new to the OLD thing. I say meet in person and go from there!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 10:32am
I see a potential red flag as he sounds superficial and totally into looks and
not into charecter substance. If he dosen't start asking asap about you the person, and not you in the physical sense, I'd pass on him. I also find it in bad taste that he even mentions the date at all let alone twice.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:00pm

Okay update.
I wrote back, "That is a good time for a marathon. I have run a few half marathons but never a full. How long have you lived in Florida? Do you have a picture posted? Sorry to hear about your disappointment with the lunch. Hope you had a good day,(me)"

And to me he sunk himself deeper with this reply, "I'm so sorry there is no picture< I simply don't have one of myself dispite the fact I have a digital camera and a razor phone that also contains a camera???
I was born and raised here in Fort Lauderdale (local surfer boy). How about you?
No worries about saturdays lunch, I was tempted do run but I thought that would be way rude! She enjoyed the attention and I felt good afterwards for it. I need not be self centered, because it's really NOT all about me!
You can meet me and "run" if you like, but I think you may like what you see! (I need to remind myself it's what's on the inside that counts).
What was your time on the 13 mile? When was the last time you ran it? I'm not in my best condition but I'm working on it. I'm starting a new company and working at the same time, it's taking much of my time and energy. call me if you care to: (xxx xxx xxxx)"

It really irritates me that he refuses the picture and brags about his toys. I feel like this is a half-XXXed attempt and that he really isn't that into me or this process. And I don't like that he is trying to launch a company while working a job - that is not "here now ready now" in my book - that is someone that doesn't have the time for me. I have a BTDT tee shirt in a few colors from that.

Also the comment "I need to remind myself that it's what's on the inside that counts" is a turn off.

I hit the delete button.

I just can't see myself wasting time on someone who can't be bothered or mature enough to post a picture upon request or who has such a lack of emotional intelligence that he would have to repeatedly mention a blind date that disappointed him - how would he feel if I listed all of the blind dates that disappointed me? Or if I didn't have a picture posted never mind a few attractive pictures?

Further, he has to at least take the time to make me feel like he is concerned about how I feel. I also didn't like the comment that he would never have considered anyone his own age - I would never say that to someone initially. With him it would be all about him.

I sent him a closed message that says, "because I couldn't see a photo - no photo is posted."

The reason I wanted to post here is to make sure that I am not missing something good because of my hairpin finger on the delete key. I find it frustrating sometimes that there is such a lack of good potentials in my age group. If he was on match.com I would have deleted right away but eharmony does make you go through so much for the compatibility test and he had a few fun answers to his questions.

But seriously - what self respecting female would date someone she could not see a picture of first or who could not comply with such a simple request? That is scary to me as a single mom. Most of the guys I have corresponded with, including the 2 that I thought were very good and nice but didn't have good timing issues, always made me feel very safe and complied with such simple requests - they even sent lots of pictures of them with their kids to show they were good dads - they also said I could email more if I didn't feel comfortable talking yet and stuff like that and conversation flowed easily. So I do have a lot to compare to. And now I trust myself that I am not being too picky.

Gotta love eharmony! Once they are closed you can't see them anymore and they cannot contact you.

The new me is worried more about me and what is in it for me.

While I would have enjoyed a phone call and lunch - I cannot grant that next step without the basics being met.

Onward!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 3:18pm
There is NO way I would have continued communicating without a pic. I mean, COME ON! How hard is it to get your picture taken and posted?? BIG red flag.
He also seems VERY into himself. I think you did the right thing. Hang in there. When the time is right, it WILL happen. It IS very hard to find someone in our age range. My dating life since my divorce would make for some excellent Jerry Springer episodes. Some of these guys have more issues than Sports Illustrated!!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:17pm
Thank you Stephanie!! That is so well put! I love the phrase about the Sports Illustrated.
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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 1:48pm

Well, seeing I have had so many frogs with those sort of comments; I would have told you to dumpola him.


I think dating sites should require a photo or NO profile. NEXT........ Now tell me: Who else is on your list?


Sorry I haven't been updating; really busy. I'm glad you are trying the whole online thing again. After 5 years of trying I finally hit the jackpot. Thank goodness! How about you try singleparentsmeet.com ? I found most men to be serious on it and really nice. Still a few players attached but nearly what I've experienced on Match. Not to mention you can't beat the 10 bucks a month. It was the best 10 bucks I ever spent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:49pm

The only thing I would say about singleparentmeet.com- which I also really like so far, is that if you aren't in or near a big city, like me, it's hard to find people in your area. At least, that's been my experience. It may only be where I'm from, but there just aren't many people near me AT ALL. The ones who are are basically all contacting me, but I sort of get the feeling that it's because they're out of local options. That may just be my bias, though.

I'm not totally against relocating for the right person, and hopefully the right person would feel the same way, so it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, and I'm trying to keep an open mind, but it's really hard to get to know someone with 2 kids who lives 4 hours away when I also have two kids, you know?

That's my only gripe so far, though. The men do seem like they're looking more for commitment and less for "just fun" than on some of the other online dating sites, and I'm trying yahoo, match, singleparentmeet, and I tried okcupid (but quickly found out that was people looking to "hook up" mostly-not for me) for the record. I have tried eHarmony before, and I thought if none of these other ones worked out, I'd try it again, but right now I can barely keep track of the ones I have!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 8:00pm

Hi there!

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