Help...is my daughter jealous or what??
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| Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:29pm |
My daughter turned 5 in July. Her father and I split up in February of 2005. Basically, that relationship was abusive & my daughter often saw her father yell at me and a few times she did see him physically hurt me. So, I knew that was not right and got out of that relationship. I went a whole year without dating ANYONE until Feb 2006. I met a guy who I really dated about 2 weeks. I was unsure of introducing her to him so soon, but he really wanted to meet her and I liked him a lot, so, after a week, I let them meet. THEN, after a another week, my EX caused a lot of problems & basically scared this guy away. He still called every night and My dd knew I would talk to him on the phone, & she would ask why he didn't ever come over. The calling stopped in July & he started dating someone else.
SO...Then the first of August...I start dating someone else....and i'm still dating him. He's wonderful to me & her & also has a 3 year old little boy. Things are going GREAT, except for ONE THING. My dd told me that I could not kiss him. Well, that's fine. We don't kiss in front of her. Then the other night, we were all standing outside & he put his arm around me. She walked over to us, took his hand and pulled it away from me. Then walked away. There are other times where she will see us close and not say anything. I can't figure out if it is jealousy or if she is protecting me and not wanting me to get hurt. Either way, I need to know what to do about this. She loves him and begs for him to come over whether his little boy is with him or not. He's good with her and pays her attention - something she never gets from her father. I can tell that this bothers him a lot...I keep saying that maybe she'll come around. I told her that I was happy because this guy was very nice & she said she wanted me to be happy. And she said she liked him. I even wonder if her father may be saying something about him & that may be the reason. Any suggestions????

Hey Lady Bug:
As I stated in another post, I know how difficult it's to date as a single parent especially when you have a young child (my son is 4 yr old son). I learned the hard way about involving my child too early when I'm dating someone.
Your daughter is behaving like I would expect her to. She likes the guy but at the same time doesn't want him taking your attention away from her. My son reacts this way even when his best friend is over. If he sees me playing with his best friend one on one, he gets jealous and might say "This is my Mommy" or trys to join in. But of course he loves when his best friend is over, he just feels threaten when I give his friend attention.
He also knows that I'm really the only way he has. The only stable figure is his life. So think what she must be thinking and how big a deal it must be for her to see you giving/receiving affection from someone else. It's the end of the world for her. "Someone is taking Mommy away from me"
Think about it. We, as adults, have trouble handling break-ups, abandonment, even basic relationship issues, etc How can we expect our children to? This is why we need to be extra sensitive and take more precautions when it comes to our children.
My advice would be wait until you know this guy is here to stay. When the time is right, she might react the same way but you knowing this person would end up being a husband to you (if that's what you want) and "Dad" to her makes a big difference. I hope this helps.
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thanks, mizchantal...
Everything you said makes total sense. I do see this guy staying around a long time & I think that's why it really does bother him. Maybe when she realizes that he's not going anywhere, that will help.
Thanks corrine...I guess kids just have a natural jealous bone!
Nels, sorry things turned out that way but thanks for sharing how your daughter did start coming around. I wish my daughter would actually tell me why she doesn't like it. I did ask her, but she won't give me an answer, she just says she doesn't want him kissing me. HOpefully she'll come around though.
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Kids can do the darndest things, can't they!! It seems that whenever we are on the phone or with someone it brings out the little devils in them ;-) She sounds so cute!!
For now I think you should sprinkle a little bit of humor dust into your situation. Don't freak or take it too seriously for now - just laugh and try to go along with it all. I think in time it will settle in and you won't have to worry. She is so young and either doesn't want to see you hurt or just doesn't want to give up the attention - maybe both?