Help!My ex-husband won't leave me alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Help!My ex-husband won't leave me alone!
1
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 12:11am

I've posted a lot about my ex boyfriend...and that's still a huge drama case, but aside from that I now need advice on my exhusband. First of all, he's a good father. Not great, but good. And although I question his motives for always wanting the kids with him, they do have a good relationship with him. I know his head games will cause issues for them in the future, but for now it's ok and I'll have to deal with that when the time comes. He was a lousy husband. The short version is that he emotionally abused me throughout our marriage. He would physically stop me from leaving him. Once he even locked me in the kids' room, hid my keys, and because I was so emotionally beaten down he managed to convince me that if I left with the kids I'd be arrested for "marital kidnapping."

He also uses the kids to keep in contact with MY family. My mom, dad and 2 sisters that live in this state all dislike him. But they all hate confrontation, so according to them they are staying neutral and being nice for the sake of the kids. But he shows up at family gatherings, and he calls them on the phone. And now he's going to our church! When he and I separated we were going to another church and I tried to continue to go to that same one, but he very quickly turned everyone against me. It was so bad that when I stood up at the alter for our kids' baptism, members of the congregation were shaking their heads at me. After the baptism several came up to me and said they would pray for me. The pastor wouldn't even look at me. I was edged out because of his warped version of the reasons for our divorce. Apparantly I'm this cold hearted witch who left him broken hearted when all he tried to do was take care of me. Of course he left out the part about him thinking that controlling, belittling, manipulating and lying to me was his way of "taking care of me." He just plays the victim.

Anway, so now he's weezled his way into my new church (my family has been going to this one for a little while). By the way, he got edged out of our old church because he was helping out with the youth group and the pastor found out that he and a church employee are living together. Then xh and the pastor got into an argument because xh thinks he can twist the bible to suit his own needs. So now he's coming onto my territory again to spread his lies. My sister's boyfriend is the leader of the men's ministry and xh has latched onto him, attending two small groups a week. I asked xh what he has said about our divorce and he answered "I told them the truth." I said "you mean your version of the truth." He scoffed, told me I have bi-polar and said that my family agrees with him and I'm going to hell because I "abandoned" him, so he can say whatever he wants because God has absolved him of any wrongdoing.

What do I do? He is a charming person and comes off as very sincere - he plays the victim card very convincingly. He comes off as this perfect upstanding Christian, but as with everything else, he uses it to suit his own needs. I'm sure he'll show his true colors soon enough, as he did at the other church, but that took over a year and in the meantime my family is practically holding out open arms to him because they don't want to cause any strife. And he's telling lies about me at this new church where I was really hoping I'd meet new people and get involved. And my sisters bf was going to introduce me to a lot of people and help me out with all that, but he seems taken with xh already! I've tried talking to my family. My mom says she can't stand him and at least she ignores him when he's around. But my other 2 sisters are so nice to him! My one sister (the one with the church leader as a bf) says that she still considers him family, even though she doesn't like him and she "feels bad for him."

I don't want to switch churches because I really like it there and my family is there. Plus, he'd probably follow me to my new church. I'm sorry this is so long, but I really appreciate the opportunity to vent. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can handle this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 10:03am

I think you have to stop communicating with him with any regard except for the children.

And then you have to talk to your family and let them know they must do the same. I would be very adamant about this. If he shows up to a family function you should leave. Eventually they will get the message that they would rather have you there than him.

In time he will muddle up everything for himself - that is what my exh did. There is no way I could say or do anything to equal what he has done for himself.

With regards to church, I would not go to any event my exh was going. I would choose another church. I think this is important in the beginning until the boundaries are set and adjusted to. But that is just my opinion. I would not speak to any one about him - you don't want a personal drama and saga going on.

My policy has always been maximum politeness but minimal information. My family was this way in the beginning and I was very firm. I told my mom she has to make a choice. She cannot invite my exh over for any meals or do anything with him. I also told my sister that. They now respect my wishes because in my mind there was no other way. It is like a car seat for a baby - it is non-negotiable.

Part of the agony of a divorce is that you do have to find a new social network - maybe you need your own - away from your family and your exh?

I hope this helps.

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