Here is another one - DELETE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Here is another one - DELETE!
25
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 5:37pm

I have closed over 600 on EH - but take heart - 11 are still open including the yacht engineer who is coming back this week - he did write a nice goodbye letter 2 weeks ago.

Anyway, Listen to this one. He is 43 and says his passion is to be active and to find a wife. He has traveled the world - has pix in Japan, Colorado, somewhere else. Loves biking, hiking adventure. Profile indicates yes he wants kids.

But his first question flipped me out and my hairpin trigger finger hit the delete key. It said, "if you were to marry, how many kids do you want?"

So, I think in addition to finding a wife, he wants her to have kids. But for a first question - that is just too much. And he lives a little further than I would like. I wonder how he is going to fit them into his trips to Japan, anyway.

HAHAHA - there are all types out there.

On a bright note, there is one on match who just got my phone number - so at least there are two I could consider - that one and the one from NZ who has been away on his yacht. LOL!!

My other two friends, who had been dating all this time are now zero for zero with theirs - one broke up with her bf a few months ago and the other this weekend. So now I have more buddies. And I just signed up for a bunch of local stuff for biking, charity raising, running, triathlons, swimming, school stuff, football stuff for DS and more - a big variety. So no worries.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 11:40pm

My only friend that did that was very positive about it at first and quickly lost interest. The guy she ended up with was someone she met from work lol. As for the question, I think men probably narrow down their key issues faster than women do, and it's a turn off. Who wants to respond to that?

Have your issues narrowed down and keep them safely behind a second date lol.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 11:59pm

My take on OLD is that it is easier to NEXT/DELETE the person online than in person. I believe it is easier to give grace to someone we meet in person. The "little" things we come across online seem big and if/when we hear the same words in person (an in context) then it would not be as significantly "bad."

I was on the receiving end tonight when we were confirming our first meeting tomorrow night. I sense she was not so enthusiastic as when I talked with her last night. She confirmed that she did not like some of things I said on the phone so we decided not to meet. I think such things are self selecting for it was meant to be then we would have met. This woman was not a romantic possibility (as I told her last night) for she is still married and want to get out "to meet people" after a long, un-fun marriage (sound familiar anyone?). I think she did not like how I told her I did not view her as a romantic possibility, she sounded offended.

I somehow do feel bad from her fessing up and letting me know how she felt after I had to ask her. I go into "I'm bad" and "I did something wrong" thinking when the OTHER person does not like me for something I did or said. This is my personal work I need to keep working on for myself.

After CNDG who did not meet my criteria and key issues but became my soul friend, I have shifted my way of sorting out/in online women. I never know.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 12:26am

Well, it sounds kind of like you were honest and assertive and she was honest in her own way. I would think that anyone who was dismayed at someone looking at them as a non-romantic interest when they are still married as disappointing is pretty much out for positive attention. She's probably nowhere near ready for "interesting" or "platonic" new people in her life. I wasn't at that point, as much as I hate to admit it.

With the limited information there, I'd say that reaction had very little to do with you personally as much as what you weren't offering to her personally.

I do think that the online dating has a tendency to self select and categorize into nowhere, simply because you eventually place great importance on things you would have ignored in someone you might have just loved if they weren't on "paper". Tricky thing. I know people it's worked for and people it hasn't so I guess we just all have to do whatever works for us ;)

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 12:29am

Thanks I needed some validation. Tonight is a "low" night so you have helped.

:-)
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 12:39am

Np, you shouldn't need validation that a married person turned you down. I was married, so I know how low our bar is...h'yuk yuk yuk.

Just a thought, my buddy that got into the whole internet dating thing stopped looking around at real life. She was so excited to get that wink or bump or email, whatever. She was soo focused on that and could care less about real life interaction, because it was FAR more subtle, and not an instant affirmation. Please make sure you are still open to meeting people face to face or in weird circumstances, or through work,etc. You might be surprised :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 1:04am

Well.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:24am

I think you were very good to tell the woman who was still married that she would not be a romantic possibility. And never to mention after the disappointment and heartbreak you just had with CNDG!!!

The thing is, that I DO NOT want more kids - I want the one I have PLUS would be open to the ones of a future partner - but NOT to get pregnant again - NO NO NO!! And truly if he wants them then he needs to find someone else anyway so I feel I did him a favor. Perhaps he is having trouble finding someone who does want them - especially since he is in his late 40s - so maybe that is an issue and he needs to find out upfront - and that is okay - it is what he wants. Just not what I want.

I also had a guy ask in a first question - would I relocate. So I closed him. His profile indicates he wants to move out of state because he is unhappy here. My son is here, my family is here, my business is here, I am happy here.

There was another one who asked all sorts of questions that turned me off - like how were all of my breakups and do I believe in being a tradition wife that raises his kids - so I closed him too. GEEZ!!!!

I believe I would be as strong in person with all of these issues as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:25am

"Well, it sounds kind of like you were honest and assertive and she was honest in her own way. I would think that anyone who was dismayed at someone looking at them as a non-romantic interest when they are still married as disappointing is pretty much out for positive attention. She's probably nowhere near ready for "interesting" or "platonic" new people in her life. I wasn't at that point, as much as I hate to admit it."

AGREED - well said silver!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:31am

But his profile indicates he wants a wife and kids.

And I remember MA saying that in all of the dating he did, he could NEVER find a girl over the age of 30 who wanted them - they either had their own and did not want more or they didn't want them to begin with. The funny thing is that he could NOT have them due to an accident when he was young - but said he did.

You have to realize that those 600 matches came in from EH - not all of them expressed interest in me. I just like to keep the inbox cleaned up and I delete any that I do not like - usually for distance, lifestyle (redneck or motorcycle or tattoos or too much travel), or a picture that turns my stomach.

There was the nicest doctor who emailed through match - didn't have a picture up - but he wrote well and had a great profile although admitted to being a workaholic - and he emailed me his pic and I about dropped on the floor. OMG. NO! The poor thing needs an ENTIRE makeover. So I never wrote back. I feel bad - but if a guy did not like my picture then he would not write back either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 9:33am
I agree that the IRL thing has to take precedence - OLD is just one more way to get out of the house more so to speak. I have made sure that I have a lot of social functions coming up to meet more people. Even if they are just other women who might have single friends - AND - I have football stuff for DS - there could also be a nice single parent there!!

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