Here's what happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Here's what happened.
11
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 3:30pm
Thanks for all your kind thoughts and well wishes. I'm doing a little better today. I'll try to explain what happened the best that I can, but it's still kind of confusing to me.

I hadn't heard from Mark in 5 days, and he hadn't responded to any messages that I left for him. I called Wednesday night, and he answered the phone. He told me that he was going through a rough time with family and work situations, and he didn't feel like talking to anyone. He explained to me what was going on. Given all his current problems, I didn't want to be accusatory or confrontational. I was very nice, but I did ask him if he still was in touch with his ex. He said yes, then he changed the subject. I asked him why, and he gave me no answer and changed the subject. Then I asked him if he had seen her. Again he said no but quickly changed the subject. He was very evasive, and I didn't get a good feeling about it. I wanted to ask so much more, but I didn't want to press him at that point. I told him that we needed to talk about some issues. I told him that when he was out of his funk to give me a call and that given his current state of affairs that I would just give him some time and space. We talked for a while, but things were really strained. I knew something was up, but I wasn't getting clear answers anyway, so I decided not to push it. He admitted to me that he hadn't been very nice to me lately, which is true. He was supposed to meet me for lunch last Friday, he never showed up and he never called. Then he said we would do lunch this week, still nothing. He's been breaking dates also. He would say we would get together on the weekend, and then something would come up. Sometimes he would tell me what he was doing, and sometimes he wouldn't. The last time I saw him was the first weekend in June. The last two times I didn't have the kids, he was out of town. But on the weekends I have the kids, it would never be a problem for me to get a sitter for the evening to go out for dinner, etc. He never suggested that. He promised me two weeks ago that without a doubt we would get together this weekend. That's not going to happen. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that for some reason, he doesn't want to be with me. He's not talking, so I don't know what the reason is. My gut tells me it's either: (a) he's back with his ex; (b) he has someone else that he's seeing; (c) he doesn't want to commit to me. We agreed when we met that we would take things slow, and I was OK with that. But things aren't progressing slowly, they have completely stalled. I was more than willing to give us time to grow, but were not growing. This relationship is hemoragging, badly. (It's taken me a lot of courage to admit that to myself). I would love to have the opportunity to find out what's going on. If I had that opportunity, I would ask him where he sees this relationship going -- what are his plans for us. I was willing to give him time (I had a date set in my mind) but in light of what's been going on the past month, there really doesn't seem to be any point. All that will do is prolong the inevitable. I think he has a commitment problem. I thought that in time that might resolve, but I don't think that any more. He can't even seem to answer a simple question or keep a date. My gut feelings really kicked in during that conversation, and when I hung up the phone, I knew it was over. And, I really don't expect to hear from him either. I have never met a man that has had the guts to tell me that it's over. It would be so much easier for him just to stop calling, then I would get the hint, and he wouldn't have to explain himself. You know what, it really doesn't matter. It would actually be easier for me if he just didn't call. I really don't need to know the details, especially if there is someone else in his life. Some things are better off not being known. I can't say that I wouldn't like the chance to try to work things out, but if he doesn't want to commit to me and no one else, there's really no point. No relationship ever works when there is only one person trying. I've walked that road too many times.

The worst part of all of this is that he is a really nice guy. You would definitely like him if you met him. It would be so much easier if he was a big jerk. We shared some great times together, and I will miss him. I feel like I just lost my best friend.

I've been in this situation before, and unfornuately, it never gets any easier. With my past history, you would think I would be used to this by now. It still hurts, no matter how many times it's happened before. This one's hard for me because I really thought we had potential. It's unfortunate he wasn't on the same page that I was.

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 2:30pm
Laura:

Thanks for responding. You have a lot going on in your life right now, and I appreciate the fact that you took the time to respond to me. Your post means a lot to me because although I have been doing real well, I do wonder at times if it was me, if I did something wrong. Your words make me feel a lot better. I tend to blame myself for relationships ending (I did that with all the past ones). I didn't start out doing that this time, but the absolute silence from Mark has got me wondering. My sister said the same thing you did about whatever his problem is, he had it before he met me and it has nothing to do with me. I guess nice guys can end up being dogs. Thanks again for the encouragement. I really needed it today. You made me smile.

Donna

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