He's GOT to go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
He's GOT to go!
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Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:58am
Well, it's been a week and I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this. Shane's friend went out Saturday night with a co-worker and looked at his apartment to see if he might be interested in moving in to the extra room. It's a downtown loft that runs 800 a month, but splitting it would be a steal at 400. He comes home yesterday morning and at dinner, he's talking about how he likes the place but isn't sure he can move in because the walls to the bedrooms don't go all the way to the ceiling. AND????? Come ON! It's a loft downtown! Yes, he snores INCREDIBLY loud, but he needs to talk to the guy that lives there about that to see if it might be a bother before he decideds to sit on his butt here and sponge off us longer than we can afford. Well he's already done that. We're financially drained. He's not offering up any cash to help out with food or expenses at all. He's assuming he can just be here for free and I'm not handling it well. I had to avoid him last night altogether. He's kidnapped the remote so all that's on TV is Poker Champs and various sports programs that he flips thru back and forth the whole time he's awake and here. And he's no longer being helpful. He just gets up and flops on the couch unless he's going to work, and in that case, he gets home, changes, and flops until I get dinner ready. I do love him to death and he's a nice guy, but I'm growing more and more annoyed as days pass. There is no effort whatsoever to get out of here. Apartment places are open on Sundays, yet he chose to sleep off his hangover all day yesterday. He's sold two cars, but that's earned him about $400 and he won't see it until the 1st, which is still two weeks from today. Of course, he has time to sell other cars in that time and I hope he gets on it.

I was so upset last night and Shane could see it. He told me we'd be fine. I don't see how. I'm looking at our bank account and I'm subtracting our bills that we HAVE to pay immediately and it leaves us with hardly a dime. Child support is here in a week, so we just have to make it until then. I'll buy a few odds and ends to last until then to get us by on food. It's a cheap eating week. I want to get Shane to ask his friend for some money to help us out, but I know he won't. He is too proud. I just can't do it. I'm not who invited him into our home and it's not really my place to say anything. You know? When I lived with my parents for that time after I left Scott, I gave 30 bucks a week towards food and I paid part of the phone bill too. I had some money and I got a job so I helped out. I washed dishes, I did my own laundry, I didn't intrude at all. Now he has a load of clothes sitting in his room that I guess he expects me to come get. It's not my job and Shane told me I'm not responsible for his friend's stuff. So I'm staying out of that.

He has to go. It's just not gonna work. The only good thing is that none of this is making Shane and me fight.

I need a hug. I'm at the end of my rope with this arrangement.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:01pm

LOL

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:18pm
Yeah, believe me, ice WILL form in hell before I do his laundry. It's annoying that he's leaving his filthy crap in the cormer on the floor in his room along with some of our towels. I feel like I need to go get the towels, but that goes against my rule...not in the hamper, not washed. Shane told me two weeks. But it seems like it will be at least 3 because he's been here a week, and there are two more til the first when they are paid again. Not that Shane will tell him to go or anything. He's far too generous. Which is a big problem here since we can't exactly afford to be that generous. It's so hard to deal with the fact that Shane makes so much money, yet we have nothing to show for it. Bills, bills, bills. And his friend. I can't imagine moving into someone's home without planning to help out. Sponging is just not my way. But he's so used to getting his way paid by Shane. I guess he thought this time would be no different and Shane isn't seeming to argue that fact. So unless he says something and soon, we're in the crapper money-wise.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 2:25pm
Mel...how sucky! You know me, miss Tactful. WEll I CAN be if I want..but I think it's time to be a bitch!...

It's your house, tell him it's time to get that laundry done, you're tired of seeing it on the floor. And give him his designated chore list with a sweet smile and "if you're going to be here longer, this is what I need you to help with"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:00pm

When you are doing towels say "Loafer...get the towels from your room, so I can wash them"

Kim

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:06pm
I totally agree and it's crossed my mind. I just want to talk to Shane first to see if he MIGHT do something to push things along with this guy. It seemed at first like things would be great. He helped clean the kitchen, he bought some stuff at the store, and he seemed genuinely thankful for us letting him be here. I don't doubt he's still thankful. But let's not get too comfortable, alright? I mean, the clothes on the floor are behind closed doors, however, the towels are ours. And I hate to think that we are losing towels each day that we can be using and washing because he can't find the hamper. It's in the bathroom, for pete's sake! Hang up your wet towel and once it's dry, I'll put it in the basket. How hard is that? He must have a crap load of clothes because he hasn't washed a thing. He's gotten way too comfortable here and I think that is a big red flag. UGH! I love Shane for being so generous and part of why I fell for him was because of his kind nature. But something has to give. And it's not us this time. We've given too much already.

Mel

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:15pm
OH please don't even get me thinking he'll stay forever. He can't though. He knows it. It's the baby's room and we will be decorating it. "Loafer"! LOL! I can't imagine how anyone could want to stay with friends for an extended period of time. I'd hate it. Knowing I'm interrupting their flow. It's just too hard. At least Shane and I are still able to enjoy sex, but he's REALLY good and I have to bite the comforter sometimes to be more quiet. I don't want his friend hearing all of that, although Shane ends up asking him if he heard it. You know guys....

This arrangement is not ending up working out too well. Shane noticed last night I wasn't in the room with them watching TV (why would I when all his friend watches is sports and Poker?) so he came back to our room to see how I was and noticed I was watching American Chopper. He stayed with me instead. I never asked him to, but I made it clear that the TV situation was annoying at best. He offered to bring me in there and have the channel changed, but I told him no. So he said he'd stay with me and he piled into bed with me and watched tv and we cuddled. I've been warned by friends that this could ruin a marriage, but Shane and I are fine. I think he's just grateful taht I'm putting up with it. But I'm not going to be quiet about what bothers me. And I don't think Shane expects me to. I usually don't so why start now? LOL!

I'm going to ask him if he has towels inhis room and to give them to me so I can wash them. Not his clothes, just the towels.

ANd if I need anything from the store, I'll ask him to get it.


Mel

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:25am
Well, I give up on it. I tried to talk to Shane this morning and he just blew up about it. He says that his friend is trying to leave and will leave when he can leave. And when he asked why, he assumed I was just annoyed that he was here instead of looking at the big picture....he's MOOCHING off us. I told Shane that when I stayed at my folk's house, I contributed some money toward groceries and he about came unglued when I said that. He rolled his eyes, got in my face, just had a fit because I dared be concerned about us making it on a few dollars while his friend lays on our couch eating away any extra we have.

Then he tells me he has no idea what my point is. WHAT'S MY POINT? We're broke and we have an extra adult here. What else can it be? He refuses to ask for the money, he resents me for thinking he should, and he's set on supporting his lazy friend until he decides to get up and move off our couch and live his own life for himself. Until then, I'm balancing trying to be a good wife (I guess by sewing my mouth shut and being demure), being a good mommy, a maid, a cook, an errand girl, a business woman, an accountant, and good hostess all in one. I can't do it and I'm not sure right now how willing I am to even try anymore.


For some reason, I just don't care anymore.

Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:30pm
Mel, there's a really good reason you don't know if you care anymore. It's called he isn't caring about what you think. It takes two and if his side of the equation doesn't give a damn, you'rs won't either.

And getting in your face and yelling is called intimidation by some and verbal abuse by others. Either stop it or get away from it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:30pm
I don't think you need a hug - although of course I am sending you one!! LOL

I think you need a pair of army boots. Time to stop being the victim and lay down the law. You are the queen of your house. You can tell him that the smell of his clothes makes you feel nauseaus with your pregnancy - that is a starter.

AND the next time you go to the store, ask him for his part of the groceries up front. Be blunt and be polite but be firm.

Shane is working hard and yes it is his friend but it is YOUR HOUSE TOO!! If you make it too easy for this guy then he will stay and stay and stay. You need to set down the rules.

Now, if this guy doesn't follow them then that is when you should get Shane to step in.

Okay girl. Put on those boots and kick some butt - then come and report back to us. Take no prisoners!! Only cash for groceries.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:54pm

Be blunt and be polite but be firm. ... This is exactly what you have to do Mel. If Shane is really behaving as badly as you've described I am first of all APALLED by his rudeness and unkindness toward you. Secondly, if he's not going to do the right thing, it is 100% in your power to do so. And you have to. Being a victim will only make you angrier and angrier. Taking action is power.


However (and this is not to downplay your very real frustration) try not to overreact. He's only been there a little over a week (right?) and you are VERY pregnant. All of this has to be heightened by that fact.


In the beginning you should have set these boundaries. Like west said, you can very bluntly (making yourself very clear) and firmly establish those boundaries now. It is not too late.

Becky

Becky

 

 

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