Well, it's been a week and I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this. Shane's friend went out Saturday night with a co-worker and looked at his apartment to see if he might be interested in moving in to the extra room. It's a downtown loft that runs 800 a month, but splitting it would be a steal at 400. He comes home yesterday morning and at dinner, he's talking about how he likes the place but isn't sure he can move in because the walls to the bedrooms don't go all the way to the ceiling. AND????? Come ON! It's a loft downtown! Yes, he snores INCREDIBLY loud, but he needs to talk to the guy that lives there about that to see if it might be a bother before he decideds to sit on his butt here and sponge off us longer than we can afford. Well he's already done that. We're financially drained. He's not offering up any cash to help out with food or expenses at all. He's assuming he can just be here for free and I'm not handling it well. I had to avoid him last night altogether. He's kidnapped the remote so all that's on TV is Poker Champs and various sports programs that he flips thru back and forth the whole time he's awake and here. And he's no longer being helpful. He just gets up and flops on the couch unless he's going to work, and in that case, he gets home, changes, and flops until I get dinner ready. I do love him to death and he's a nice guy, but I'm growing more and more annoyed as days pass. There is no effort whatsoever to get out of here. Apartment places are open on Sundays, yet he chose to sleep off his hangover all day yesterday. He's sold two cars, but that's earned him about $400 and he won't see it until the 1st, which is still two weeks from today. Of course, he has time to sell other cars in that time and I hope he gets on it.
I was so upset last night and Shane could see it. He told me we'd be fine. I don't see how. I'm looking at our bank account and I'm subtracting our bills that we HAVE to pay immediately and it leaves us with hardly a dime. Child support is here in a week, so we just have to make it until then. I'll buy a few odds and ends to last until then to get us by on food. It's a cheap eating week. I want to get Shane to ask his friend for some money to help us out, but I know he won't. He is too proud. I just can't do it. I'm not who invited him into our home and it's not really my place to say anything. You know? When I lived with my parents for that time after I left Scott, I gave 30 bucks a week towards food and I paid part of the phone bill too. I had some money and I got a job so I helped out. I washed dishes, I did my own laundry, I didn't intrude at all. Now he has a load of clothes sitting in his room that I guess he expects me to come get. It's not my job and Shane told me I'm not responsible for his friend's stuff. So I'm staying out of that.
He has to go. It's just not gonna work. The only good thing is that none of this is making Shane and me fight.
I need a hug. I'm at the end of my rope with this arrangement.
Mel
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First of all, this is Shane's friend. Shane made all the arrangements with him. Shane is calling the shots here. It's not the friend's fault that he is not meeting your expectations of pitching in or doing his laundry. We don't know what expectations Shane set for his friend. He may have told him he isn't expected to pitch in...it's obvious from the way he responded to you that Shane feels this way.
I would not set my foot down with the friend about this. I would set my foot down with my husband. Shane is totally taking you for granted with this situation and not compromising whatsoever. Infact, you've painted a pretty bleak picture about Shane's ability to compromise in your relationship at all with matters of time, money and now this situation. He appears to still be in a very selfish phase and reacts immaturely. That is no way to be with a wife, a son and another one on the way.
I know you love Shane's generous nature. But I think he is generous to a fault. The key word here is fault not generous. If you can't come to an understanding with him on how you expect to be treated and how much your voice weighs in on decisions that affect both of you, you are going to allow a pattern for this type of behavior to be set. If things never change Mel, if you have to continue to deal with things like being broke and butting heads day to day for the rest of your life, are you going to be happy? That's no way to live in my opinion. Not with a man who is meant to be your life partner.
So, I would continue to tackle this with Shane, MAKE him come to a compromise with you and let him deliver the message to his friend.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck and give you big hugs.
I can understand if his friend has no money to offer. Fine. But at least get up off his butt and help clean something. I just feel like I'm the only person responsible for the house and I shouldn't be. Shane makes excuses like "I work all day and I don't want to come home and hang up clothes or empty the dishwasher." But what he doesn't realize is this stuff has to be done no matter what. If I worked outside thehome full time, I'd still have to come home and do it.
My job, although at home, is just as stressful as his in the office. I have so many responsibilities to handle each day and he will see what I mean when I have the baby and he has to chip in and cook or clean because I'm too sore still to do it. He'll know then what real work is. And he'll then be grateful for how much I actually do around here while going out trying to make my business work as well.
Mel
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I agree that Shane has not "gotten it" when it comes to marriage. He was so sweet and loving and understanding when we were dating. He made me a priority and now I feel like I'm in the background. Am I happy? No. I'm absolutely not. I feel taken for granted and like I married a man that I don't know. It's like he was so good to me and then he got me and turned into someone else. Yet he says I did that, not him. I'm blamed for all the problems we have, if we fight, it's my fault. He's never wrong.
His life comes first. Does he ever ask how I'm feeling? No. He acts so disinterested in my pregnancy. But he was the one that wanted a child so badly. He never calls me during the day to check on me or ask if I'm alright. And when I tell him on the phone that I love him, he won't say it back if he's around other guys. He's ashamed to do that. And he doesn't get why it would hurt me. He says to stop letting that bother me.
Now I feel trapped because I'm pennyless and pregnant. I have nothing and I can't go anywhere if I choose to. I want to issue an ultimatum. I want to say either his friend goes or I do. And right now, if he chose to cut me loose, I am not sure I would be too devastated over it. As much as I love him, I can honestly say that if things ended today, I would be happier on the streets that here. And I can't believe I just said that. Must be true if I'm putting it in writing.
Mel
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I liked Gabriella's post to you. I agree with it in essence. But my main concern was for you RIGHT NOW and getting through this. You most definitely must continue to tackle things like this head on with Shane, but I don't think this situation will be resolved by taking it up with him again and not dealing with your "boarder" on your own. You can't MAKE someone compromise with you.
Must be true if I'm putting it in writing. ... OR, it's hormones, stress, exhaustion and frustration speaking. Mel, I've felt this way before. AND I KNEW it wasn't really true. BUT, I did know that if my feelings of being unappreciated and taken for granted were real, and that it was probably time to get some counseling so that J and I could communicate and understand one another better.
See about counseling Mel.
I've gottent into this with him before his friend came about the money issue it will cause, he refused to understand. I got into it with him this morning and he refuses to understand. He claims to have no idea what I'm talking about. So I can't win. He looked at me and asked what my point was, what the real problem is and I told him that I already divulged that this morning. He said he had no idea what I was getting at so I tol dhim don't worry about it and go take his shower. He said he wasn't going to worry about it and I responded that I knew he wouldn't.
Why can't I just be with a man that really loves me and appreciates me? Why am I a magnet for abuse?
Mel
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I think that NO human on the planet is going to love you 100% exactly the way you need and want to be loved every day. I also think that Shane does indeed love you very much and is completely overwhelmed with going from bachelor to family man with a step child and another one on the way and financial stress to boot (regardess of whether or not he can improve the financial by making better decisions, it is still a stress on him). Maybe he is regressing a bit because that's the only way to handle his emotions. We all have a different way. I think this can all work out fine. I was VERY depressed for a while there after J and I first got married. Thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. And we're hitting another rough spot. But I know it'd be that way with anyone, and I know Jas is worth the effort to make it great.
Mel, I am going to give you an unsolicited piece of advice. You can take it or leave it. I think that for as often as you say "I know
You didn't step on my toes. And I definitely don't feel I am right all the time and certainly didn't realize I came off that way. That's why I like coming here because if I come off in a way I didn't mean to, I am told so and I can backtrack and see where I can improve my communication skills.
Shane told me the other day he isn't the best communicator. Nope, he isn't. In fact, he's awful. He comes home and is completely quiet. I ask about his day and he doesn't want to talk about it. I'mnot trying to make him rehash his whole day, but I carea about him and just want to show him that I do by asking. Maybe he's one of those people that wouldn't care either way if I asked because he just knows I care. I'm not one of them. I'm one to assume that after a time of not inquiring about how I'm doing that the interest is no longer there. So I get depressed. It all comes from the lack of attention I got in my first marriage. Is that Shane's fault? No. Is it his problem? Well, kinda. Only because he married me while I was still very unsure of myself and he knew that about me.
I've never felt like I made a mistake marrying Shane. Every day I love him more and I truly want nothing less than happiness for us and our growing family. I also feel like if I left, he'd be empty without me. He's told me before that he couldn't do it without me. Maybe he couldn't.
I know I'm not always right, but I'm not always wrong either. I just want him to see that if I'm upset, maybe it's for a good reason. I can see if I'm just ranting about that he has a right to be disgusted. And I've apologized so many times for the crap I've said. So has he. We all get into our angry modes and forget that the other person has feelings. I think in this situation, Shane has forgotten about me. He assumed I'd be okay with his friend mooching off of us and when I object or ask that he do something to help us out if he's going to stay here, Shane gets mad at the mere suggestion that his friend lift a finger. Honestly, I don't think it's too much to ask for a little help. Even if it's just washing his own dish and loadingit into the dishwasher. Or emptying it if it's full. He asked me last night if the dishwasher's dishes were clean and I said they were. I thought he was unloading it. Nope. He was just getting out a cup he wanted to use. Then left the rest there for me to handle. After being here this long, he knows where we keep things. He sure doesn't ask for assistance when looking for food.
Bec, I'm sorry you and J are going thru another rough spot. Aren't they hard? I knew this would effect Shane and me. I knew that this situation would prove how important I am to him. I thought that Sunday night when he chose to watch tv with me in the bedroom after I was visbily upset with his friend taking over the living room tv that he had accepted what I felt all along and he was supporting my feelings. It felt good to have him in there with me. But he showed he is chosing his friend over me in this even though he said he'd never do that. I know how important friends are. Mine are all living farther away. I miss mine. I wish I stillhad my best friend here so I could go see her when I felt low. But I can't. And I know she'd never mooch. TO me, reagrdless of how nice they seem, if they use you (and his friend IS doing that) by mooching, they are not a real friend. And Shane is playing right into it by allowing it.
I can't even save him from it. He's so blinded by feeling sorry for his friend.
Mel
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I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough spot. I want to point out a few things so you can put this in perspective.
First of all, you have to appreciate Shane for his good points and to make him feel appreciated. Men behave much better when they are appreciated. He is a kind, generous man who works very hard (I have read 6 days a week - is that right?). You do get the luxury of staying home - that is a big privelege, especially with kids. He has never complained about taking Dylan in as well. If he works all day then he should come home to good food and a clean house and he should not empty the dishwasher. I do agree that he should put his clothes in the laundry though.
When he works that hard for 6 days he feels that he is really bringing you something special. Don't ask why - but this is universal to all men - they feel that there working hours and supporting you is better than the courship of flowers, etc. So you should try to look at it this way.
He doesn't talk to you as much about his day because he is tired and he needs to retreat to think and to renew himself. Women are different because we become renewed through conversation.
If you are having money problems maybe you should think about doing a little something part time from home instead of spending so much time on the computer. Or at the very least try to find something to do to have something interesting to say at the end of the day. I know you are pregnant but you need to keep developing yourself as a person or you are going to be no fun to be around.
I think you need to sppreciate Shane for his good points and accept him. You are getting bad behavior right now because he doesn't feel appreciated. You are also not getting enough time together because of this boarder. I stand firm on my first message of putting the boarder in his place - you are the woman of the house. And you can do this in such a fashion that the boarder is happy to pitch in - he just needs to be told to pitch in - you are assuming he doesn't want to when you have never asked him.
NOW with regards to the whole boarder issue I think Shane was stupid to do that and to have him live with you. But there is nothing you can do about it now. Shane will figure that out on his own and hopefully never do it again. For right now you have to suck it up and try to make it work. At least try. If the boarder is disrespectful then you have to go to another plan.
IF it really gets to where you can't bear it then why don't you take a break during the week and go and spend time with your mom. Don't tell her why - just go and enjoy her visit. Let Shane have time to himself to get his thoughts together and to miss you. And then discuss calmly.
You are on a rocket ship to a big explosion and have to try to calm down and put things in perspective. The boarder is an inconvenience and I don't agree with it but for now you have to get through it. Shane did take a golf weekend but he needed time with the boys - I would grant him that for one weekend. Now if it was for every weekend that is a different story.
Men are very vulnerable with their feelings and need to feel appreciated. They act so much better when they are. And I do think you appreciate Shane very much - this is just a rocky spot - and we all have them - and you have to have faith in him and get through this one. I think the pressure of you having different standards with finances plus being pregnant is hard for him and he can't tell you that.
I hope I have helped. It is not my intention to make you mad. I realize I am stern. But I see that you have a good thing and have hit a rough spot and I am trying to be realistic and have concern for both sides.
I'm sorry but you need to put your foot down. You did this to help out Shane's friend and from what I remember, the two of you talked about this being temporary help. meanwhile, you're being treated like a maid in your own house by this guy and Shane is telling you you're overreacting? You're saying you guys are broke, you're pregnant and you've got this stress to deal with. Tell Shane if he wants the guy to stay, he can start doing the extra laundry and dishes. Seriously
Tara
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