He's GOT to go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
He's GOT to go!
45
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:58am
Well, it's been a week and I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this. Shane's friend went out Saturday night with a co-worker and looked at his apartment to see if he might be interested in moving in to the extra room. It's a downtown loft that runs 800 a month, but splitting it would be a steal at 400. He comes home yesterday morning and at dinner, he's talking about how he likes the place but isn't sure he can move in because the walls to the bedrooms don't go all the way to the ceiling. AND????? Come ON! It's a loft downtown! Yes, he snores INCREDIBLY loud, but he needs to talk to the guy that lives there about that to see if it might be a bother before he decideds to sit on his butt here and sponge off us longer than we can afford. Well he's already done that. We're financially drained. He's not offering up any cash to help out with food or expenses at all. He's assuming he can just be here for free and I'm not handling it well. I had to avoid him last night altogether. He's kidnapped the remote so all that's on TV is Poker Champs and various sports programs that he flips thru back and forth the whole time he's awake and here. And he's no longer being helpful. He just gets up and flops on the couch unless he's going to work, and in that case, he gets home, changes, and flops until I get dinner ready. I do love him to death and he's a nice guy, but I'm growing more and more annoyed as days pass. There is no effort whatsoever to get out of here. Apartment places are open on Sundays, yet he chose to sleep off his hangover all day yesterday. He's sold two cars, but that's earned him about $400 and he won't see it until the 1st, which is still two weeks from today. Of course, he has time to sell other cars in that time and I hope he gets on it.

I was so upset last night and Shane could see it. He told me we'd be fine. I don't see how. I'm looking at our bank account and I'm subtracting our bills that we HAVE to pay immediately and it leaves us with hardly a dime. Child support is here in a week, so we just have to make it until then. I'll buy a few odds and ends to last until then to get us by on food. It's a cheap eating week. I want to get Shane to ask his friend for some money to help us out, but I know he won't. He is too proud. I just can't do it. I'm not who invited him into our home and it's not really my place to say anything. You know? When I lived with my parents for that time after I left Scott, I gave 30 bucks a week towards food and I paid part of the phone bill too. I had some money and I got a job so I helped out. I washed dishes, I did my own laundry, I didn't intrude at all. Now he has a load of clothes sitting in his room that I guess he expects me to come get. It's not my job and Shane told me I'm not responsible for his friend's stuff. So I'm staying out of that.

He has to go. It's just not gonna work. The only good thing is that none of this is making Shane and me fight.

I need a hug. I'm at the end of my rope with this arrangement.

Mel

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:34pm
Amen! The problem is with Shane for sure. Granted, any person with an ounce of common sense wouldn't be acting the way this guy is but this is Shane's mess and he needs to fix it.

Tara

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:48pm
Just in Mel's defense (not that you need my help Mel), I do believe she's working from home. So she is trying to add some income and develop herself as well.

Not to cause controversy but, I 110% disagree that a man who works outside the home doesn't have to do anything around the home. I know not everyone feels this way. But even a wife and mom who doesn't have a paying job at home, is very busy (usually) all day with kids and cleaning and I know Mel is a very thorough housecleaner (better than me from the sounds of it). That mom's day doesn't end until, well in my house 9 pm at the earliest when the kids are home and it's 7 days a week. If I ever heard from my honey that he was no longer going to help out (and granted his help around here is pretty minimal) with dishes or laundry ever, I'd quickly resolve that situation.

Do you really feel that a man doesn't have to contribute with the household chores if he works and she doesn't have a paying job or works at home? Just curious.

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:13pm
"You are getting bad behavior right now because he doesn't feel appreciated."

Whoa there...if his getting in her face and yelling is from this, he is NOT behaving as an adult. HIS behavior is never HER fault. No...not unless she's doing something mean and she's not.

Staying home is not a privilege, it's a job. And with kids it's full time...IF you aren't at home, you hire someone to take care of children and PAY them. And if you really don't have time to clean, you HIRE someone to do it and PAY them. Mel doesn't have a nanny or a housekeeper.

Having a full time maid, cook, laundryperson, accountant (who does all the finances? Mel), etc etc is not a privileged existence. Especially with a husband who doesn't appreciate HER.

A man expecting to come home to a clean, calm house and a submissive wife is neanderthal. I remember stuff like that from my fundamentalist church days...where a woman is considered a second class citizen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:43am
If I didn't know better, I would have thought this post came out of a page from Dr. Laura's "Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands". I've read the book, it makes some very valid points, but I don't think that every women who is feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated by her husband automatically fits into the Dr. Laura solution. Some do, some don't. That's for Mel to decide.

I still don't think it's a good idea to step around Shane and go after the friend in this matter on her own. Knowing how strongly Shane has already expressed himself about how he feels about it, I think it would cause more harm than good. Shane might perceive it as undermining him or going behind his back to take care of something he isn't handling to her satisfaction. I still maintain that she needs to openly and honestly discuss with him in a calm mature manner what she wants and that she needs to be firm with him about her needs.

I don't remember who said you can't make anybody compromise with you, but I think you can. Marriage IS compromise. And I know I can make my SO compromise with me as much as I do with him. If a partner won't compromise with you in order to come to an agreement on important matters in your relationship then that is not a partnership.






Edited 10/20/2004 2:30 am ET ET by orange_clouds

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 5:57am
I believe the time spent working should be 50/50 (this is total time working outside of the home versus in home with household chores) and I was recalling that Shane works a lot of hours 6 days a week. I was assuming Mel doesn't work and only has one child in school so I assume it is not that big of a deal to clean/run the house and cook. I have a lot of friends that do that and I clean my own house plus cook all meals plus run a company so to me that is not that bad.

If both partners work outside the home then the chores should be set up 50/50. I agree it is NOT easy when you have a newborn/toddler or multiple small children at home and then you should DEFNIITELY have help of some sort.

I stand firm on my opinion that Mel should ask for help from the boarder in a very direct but polite fashion and that she should be careful to make sure Shane feels appreciated for being the bread winner and being a generous person. They both have different value systems when it comes to money and will have to work on understanding and appreciating each others differences. They are in a storm right now and have to work through it.

Mel is experiencing a lot of upheaval being pregnant and while I have sympathy, I am not going to just say what she wants to hear - I believe she has to try to be positive and understand Shane and his side of it and work through this in a positive manner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 8:38am
This is news for everyone. Last night I came home from D's karate class and Shane was home (I knew he was already) and he gave me $200.00 he got at work. He knew all along he was getting this small commission check and let me stress. I asked him why he never mentioned it when he kept telling me it would be okay and he said because if he told me he was getting it, I'd wear him out abut it until he brought it home. He didn't know what day it was coming. I'd never wear him out about it, but he called BS on me for that.

Also, we were arguing in the bedroom and his friend came home. We had the door shut, but he could hear us. We didn't mention his name at all, but I think he got the sense that we were fighting about him since about 3 times, he's caught us in a brawl.

Next thing you know, he's bringing towels out of his room and washing them himself. He didn't help with anything else, but I think he got the sense that I'm annoyed.

Shane just doesn't agree with me that his friend is costing us anything extra. The only reason the groceries aren't any more expensive is because I'm buying off brands and we're eating stuff like hot dogs and Hamburger Helper. That's why it's cheaper. But I am having to buy extra stuff, it just evens out with the stuff I'm buying in the place of the bigger meals I normally cook. No one dares complain though.

So financially, we will make it and we did kiss and make up. I just told him I need to feel more appreciated around here. I work hard too and do a lot to make this house run smoothly. No, the dishes aren't always clean because I'm washing another load, but they get done and we always have clean clothes to wear and there is always food on the table. And for the most part, Shane does come home to a nice, calm house with dinner hot and ready. After a long day, he does deserve a drama free night, but he can't expect it. If I had a bad day, I need to talk and he needs to be more understanding that it's not abut me abusing him with my misery, it's that I love him and trust him most and there is no one else that can make me feel better about my bad day. A hug from Shane is all I need to get by.

And the added stress of a boarder as well as building a business here is hard. He has to get that.

Mel

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:12am
Oh hey, I would never say tell someone what you think they want to hear, trust me, this board would be soooo boring if that's how we dealt with each other. ;)

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:47am
I forgot that you are building a business from home - that is very good.

I think it is GREAT that your boarder overheard your scuttle - how lucky - and what a good turn in this event. I think he will become uncomfortable and quicken his departure. It is even funny that he picked up the towels and washed them.

I was thinking of one more thing to say today on the way home from swimming. If he is causing this much of a scuttle at home then imagine what he is doing at work!! I have a feeling that what you see here is only the tip of the iceberg!!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:53am

I don't remember who said you can't make anybody compromise with you, but I think you can... *raising hand* I believe that was me, G. ;)


I guess I took a middle line between YOUR approach and West's (and as you so clearly stated, only Mel can decide what's best for MEL!) I don't think you can force someone to compromise with you, if they aren't willing. I agree 100% that is part of the marriage agreement (side note: our premarital counselor stated that it's not about compromise because the more submissive partner will OFTEN "cave" in and that's not compromise. That's just giving in. He said it was about AGREEMENT. personally, like that POV better. Works better for J and I)


HOWEVER, it doesn't sound to me like Mel and Shane are anywhere NEAR that good of a place in their marriage. That's why I suggested counseling. No, she cannot force him to compromise. But if he refuses to work with her, that's a good indication that the marriage relationship is not in good shape. It's time for some third party help. AND, while she is working on that part, she needs to do what she can (in a gracious way) to get through this situation with someone living in her home and not beng agreeable to her ways of running a household. She can graciously just step in and make it clear she's the woman of the house. Obviously that isn't ideal. But Mel has to survive till she and Shane can get on top of things.


JMHO. ;)

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:59am
I agree. Completely.

All of this "Proper Care of Husbands" is total BS in my book - and saying Mel needs to appreciate all Shane is going through. HOGWASH. Maybe it's happening but Mel isn't posting it - but I CERTAINLY don't see Shane appreciating all that Mel is going through. He's being horribly selfish and immature in several aspects, and I know everyone keeps talking about how he's so generous - bull - right now this isn't about his generosity - this is about his male ego and his ability to "rescue" his buddy from his situation - just as he "rescued" Mel. This is something that feeds his ego. Period.

Marriage is a partnership. Not a "he's the head of the household and in control of everything and I bow down to him and it's my job to figure him out." When is HE going to take the time to figure MEL out????

And one more thing - on this "it's his job to earn the bacon and her job to cook it" - maybe I was just a total wimp - but I was MISERABLE and exhausted my first trimester. Much better when I hit my second - but in the first trimester - I considered warming up a bowl of soup and making a toasted cheese sandwhich hard work. Period.