He's GOT to go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
He's GOT to go!
45
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:58am
Well, it's been a week and I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this. Shane's friend went out Saturday night with a co-worker and looked at his apartment to see if he might be interested in moving in to the extra room. It's a downtown loft that runs 800 a month, but splitting it would be a steal at 400. He comes home yesterday morning and at dinner, he's talking about how he likes the place but isn't sure he can move in because the walls to the bedrooms don't go all the way to the ceiling. AND????? Come ON! It's a loft downtown! Yes, he snores INCREDIBLY loud, but he needs to talk to the guy that lives there about that to see if it might be a bother before he decideds to sit on his butt here and sponge off us longer than we can afford. Well he's already done that. We're financially drained. He's not offering up any cash to help out with food or expenses at all. He's assuming he can just be here for free and I'm not handling it well. I had to avoid him last night altogether. He's kidnapped the remote so all that's on TV is Poker Champs and various sports programs that he flips thru back and forth the whole time he's awake and here. And he's no longer being helpful. He just gets up and flops on the couch unless he's going to work, and in that case, he gets home, changes, and flops until I get dinner ready. I do love him to death and he's a nice guy, but I'm growing more and more annoyed as days pass. There is no effort whatsoever to get out of here. Apartment places are open on Sundays, yet he chose to sleep off his hangover all day yesterday. He's sold two cars, but that's earned him about $400 and he won't see it until the 1st, which is still two weeks from today. Of course, he has time to sell other cars in that time and I hope he gets on it.

I was so upset last night and Shane could see it. He told me we'd be fine. I don't see how. I'm looking at our bank account and I'm subtracting our bills that we HAVE to pay immediately and it leaves us with hardly a dime. Child support is here in a week, so we just have to make it until then. I'll buy a few odds and ends to last until then to get us by on food. It's a cheap eating week. I want to get Shane to ask his friend for some money to help us out, but I know he won't. He is too proud. I just can't do it. I'm not who invited him into our home and it's not really my place to say anything. You know? When I lived with my parents for that time after I left Scott, I gave 30 bucks a week towards food and I paid part of the phone bill too. I had some money and I got a job so I helped out. I washed dishes, I did my own laundry, I didn't intrude at all. Now he has a load of clothes sitting in his room that I guess he expects me to come get. It's not my job and Shane told me I'm not responsible for his friend's stuff. So I'm staying out of that.

He has to go. It's just not gonna work. The only good thing is that none of this is making Shane and me fight.

I need a hug. I'm at the end of my rope with this arrangement.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:46pm
Thanks Becky, for pointing that out. I guess it's just a matter of semantics with me. As I see compromise as being something you need to do when two sides of a party strongly disagree, which seems to be the case here, in order to find a middle ground and come to an agreement.

Also, I think you've got a point about the submissive thing. I guess I have never been in that type of situation because I am just not the submissive type. I can almost always find a way to meet in the middle with someone and I can't see myself getting into a situation where I would marry someone who would dismiss my concerns as pointless and/or not make an effort to come to an agreement.

I agree with your suggestion that Shane and Mel could benefit from some counseling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:40pm

I struggle to NOT be co-dependant. That makes it easy for me to appear to be more submissive. In a situation where we're trying to compromise, I usually just give in saying it's what I want. Then later I am usually resentful and end up blindsiding my parter with some sort of anger. You're right, it is semantics. But sometimes, that can be important.


You are very free to not be like that. You have no idea!

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 3:10pm

I agree with you, Min (and others).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 3:30pm

I wish everyone felt like you do.

It makes me so sad to know that I have once again allowed myself to be taken in by someone who just wanted to boost his ego by rescuing a pretty girl that was in trouble. He wined and dined me and made me fall hard for him and then swooped in for the kill.

I don't doubt for a second that he loves me. But he's so pig-headed. He's very well educated and he truly believes he's smarter than most people. Plus he argues for a living so he uses that as a tool to back me into a corner. I try to state my point, he shuts it down and demands to know what I'm getting at when I've tried so hard to explain. He doesn't listen. He refuses to understand and that shows me he doesn't care. But he claims to care a lot. I can't get thru to him. His own family sees what he does to me. His aunt that lives near by said to her friends in front of me that he yells at me when I can't find a place because he knows how to find it. She said he thinks he's smarter than everyone and that is a big fault of his and she and his mother have both gotten onto him about treating me that way. You'd think that as much as I cry that he'd see how badly he hurts me. I spend most days crying my eyes out thinking of what I did to deserve to be dismissed as much as I am.

He never calls me for lunch, yet he has time like today to take his friend AND BUY lunch for both. How do I know? Online banking. But dare I say a word? Of course not. Just to hear him get defensive towards me. But he'll never tell me he went or offer a receipt. Because he'll know that I'll ask why he went out to eat when I packed him a lunch.

I try to figure out why I stay. Am I just a glutton for punishment? Or is it that he will be great for a number of days and I look forward to the times he treats me like an equal and puts me ahead of others? We are supposed to go to his hometown this weekend and you bet we will have his friend tagging along. And whatever we all do will come out of our pockets. If the dude has no money, he knows where the lunch meat is. He sees Shane leaving with a sack. So does that mean I have to make his too? He can make his own. Why do I have to?

I'm wanting to go to counseling. I need to ask about coverage. But I've talked to Shane before about it and he wonders why I ask. It's like he thinks it is all okay between us. Of course counselors have hours and Shane work beyond those so couples counseling is out of the question because he wouldn't dare embarass himself to take off an hour to attend to help us out.

I'm giving it until the child is born. If things don't improve in 6 months, I'm leaving.

I don't deserve this.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 3:51pm

Mel, you don't deserve this. You are right. But I want to tell you this, and I'm going to be as gentle as possible. You jumped into this relationship head first with blinders on. Several of us, here and on different boards as well, encouraged you many times to slow down and to work out several issues WE SAW before you two rushed down the aisle. You didn't. You told us all several times that we basically didn't know what we were talking about, and defended Shane to the hilt and constantly asked advice, but never once heeded it. You were too chicken to rock the boat, stir the water, whatever. I don't know if it's because Z hurt you terribly and you were really insecure at the time and you saw everything with rose colored glasses or because you were so enthralled with Shane who came to your total rescue or what - but some of the blame for this lies squarely on your shoulders. We all encouraged you just a few weeks ago to have a SOLID agreement with Shane, BEFORE this friend moved in, and you didn't. He moved in, the roomate situation with the other person didn't move out, and here you are, angry and resentful for a situation you allowed Shane to put you into.

You owe it to Dylan, and to this baby, to really put in every bit of effort, drop your pride, and work your butt off to see if this marriage is salvagable. And - I fully believe alot of your emotions right now are hormones. You need to swallow your tears and swallow your pride and approach Shane rationally, as an adult, and tell him "when you ________________, I feel ____________________." About everything. Be brave. Put it ALL out there on the table. Every bit of it, Mel. And make sure those are the statements you use. Otherwise, you are doing nothing but putting all of the blame on him, and Mel, he's always been this way. He hasn't changed. One bit. He is today the same man you portrayed to us less than a year ago. You need to tell him that you are so hurt that you are considering separating, and that you want to attend counseling. If he won't go - YOU GO. And I mean that. And if the insurance doesn't cover it, you call a church. I don't care what church, I don't care if you've never been. YOU GET HELP. FREE HELP IS AVAILABLE!!!! And get to a financial counselor, too. Call a church and tell them you are crashing and that YOU NEED HELP. NOW. QUIT making excuses, QUIT delaying it. I've seen you post time and time again about how you should have all this money left over after paying the bills - yet YOU NEVER DO. I know how this stresses you out - but you NEVER do anything about it. It makes me wonder, do you like the drama?

We love ya, Mel. We hate to see you hurting like this. You deserve 100% happiness. But you have to step up to the plate, take responsibility for your actions, and MOVE FORWARD. Crying and yelling isn't going to solve anything. Period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:00pm

YES YES YES!!!


Mel, it couldn't be said better. I hope you take some of this to heart. We DO care about you and we DO want to see you stop cycling through the same choices and coming up with the same negative results.


FYI: that "I feel _________ when________ because_________." statement that Mindy just described is EXACTLY what our counselor taught J and I to do. VERY important for keeping blame out of things and the reality of hurt feelings and bad consequences for poor choices at the front of the issue.


BIG BIG (((((HUG)))))

Becky

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:30pm

Mel, I agree with everything Min and Bec just said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 6:36pm

When he told me about his friend coming, I objected BIG TIME! He refused to listen to my resons. He thought they were unfounded. "He's not gonna cost us any extra and you're just being selfish because you'll have to wear your bra until he goes to bed or that he'll take up a lot of my time". I think the concerns about time and money ARE a big deal. I want my husband to myself when we're home. Not sharing him with his friend who has been with him all day. And don't think they don't goof off at work. They do. Yet Shane never has time to call me to say hello. Or to talk to me when I call.

I told him last night that I'd appreciate him asking me every once in a while how I'm feeling since I'm carrying his baby and all and you know what he did? Rolled his eyes and said, "well it had to come to what I don't do, right?" He said it was mindless crap that I was throwing at him. I guess concern for OUR baby is mindless crap now. He says I'm hurting the baby by stressing. Well, help me NOT stress. Stop jacking around and be a husband. Help me around here. Be a partner instead of an agre that constantly thinks my thought are stupid. He never thinks I have a point. They get shut down all the time.

I'd love to tell Shane that "when you do______, I feel like_______ because______." And I've tried. I've taken him aside, turned off the tv and tried to reason with him. His thoughts are that I'm ungrateful. He's been nothing but good to me as far as he's concerned. He takes care of us. Yeah, we have a nice home, food and nice things. I don't have to work (even though I'm bored being here) and he says I have it made. I have nothing to complain about. What about the lonliness? What about him shutting down my feelings and dismissing my concerns? Are those things just child's play? Do I even get to feel anything anymore? I tell him all the time when he dismisses me that it hurts and his response is always, "well have a valid thought and we'll talk". It's hurtful. But he doesn't see it that way. So I cry. And cry. And cry. I do everything for him. I moved us into this house alone. He and his brother moved the furniture in and all the work done with putting stuff away was all me. He did nothing. He came home from work and sat. I worked day and night WITH a child here to make this place a home. He did nothing. I guess if we bought a house soon and moved, I'd be expected even in pregnancy to do that.

The big question....do I want this to work? Yes. I do. More than anything. I asked Shane last night WHY he wants me here. He refused to answer. He just asked why we had to get into that again. I need to know what I bring to the table. It seems like I just make him miserable. It seems like all I do well for him is sex. It seems like lately, that's all we have that's good between us. I don't see how he can't see that I'm hurting.

I know I jumped into this. When I accepted his proposal, he was being so kind to me. We never had conflicts. He was so gentle and sweet and he put me so high up in his life. He dropped everything for me. He worshipped me and would have done anything to please me. His whole life was about taking care of Dylan and me. Nothing else mattered. I thought this was how it would be. SO I did what he asked. I quit the job that made me miserable, I moved in with him, and we began a life together. I thought he was the one man that would prove that there were good one's out there. And for some time, he kept that up. THen one day, he showed his true colors and I should have left then. But to go where? I had no job, no money, and I just wanted to prove that it was just a fight and we'd get past it and move on happily. But the fights were more frequent. His phone kept ringing, he stayed on all night ignoring me, and I finally said something about it and he got mad. He still is all over his phone. During dinner when it rings, he runs to get it. And then talks endlessly while we are having dinner. It's never anyone important. People he COULD call back later.

Not to mention the time that I looked at his email and saw things I didn't want to see from him to girls and to find out one is an escort, but he claims he had no idea she did that. Whatever. She supposedly used to cut his hair and he swears he's never been with an escort. But he knows some from when he was a bouncer at a country bar in Dallas. Yeah, so? Does that mean he has to call/email them?

I feel sometimes like I can't trust him and I can't prove anything because I don't have a password to his email to catch him in the act of planning something. The funny thing is...I don't think he's cheating or planning to, but he says he's set friends up with escorts before. Why does he have to do it? Are they not adult enough to do it on their on? Or are they married and he's contributing to an affair? Either way, I don't like him calling those people.

He keeps so much private from me and I can just feel it. I want an open line of communication. I don't have to know every move he makes, but he's so private about his email and his phone, that it makes me want to snoop so bad that I can taste it just to see why he's so private. I've seen things I didn't want to see before. I'm sure I would today too.

I just feel left out of his life.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 7:02pm

Mel, everything you said here is very, very valid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 7:02pm
Hugs, hugs, hugs Mel.

I mean it about counseling. Call a church. Tell them your marriage is struggling and you need help. If Shane won't go, go alone. I wish I could give you a hug, girl. I know you are hurting.