Well, it's been a week and I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this. Shane's friend went out Saturday night with a co-worker and looked at his apartment to see if he might be interested in moving in to the extra room. It's a downtown loft that runs 800 a month, but splitting it would be a steal at 400. He comes home yesterday morning and at dinner, he's talking about how he likes the place but isn't sure he can move in because the walls to the bedrooms don't go all the way to the ceiling. AND????? Come ON! It's a loft downtown! Yes, he snores INCREDIBLY loud, but he needs to talk to the guy that lives there about that to see if it might be a bother before he decideds to sit on his butt here and sponge off us longer than we can afford. Well he's already done that. We're financially drained. He's not offering up any cash to help out with food or expenses at all. He's assuming he can just be here for free and I'm not handling it well. I had to avoid him last night altogether. He's kidnapped the remote so all that's on TV is Poker Champs and various sports programs that he flips thru back and forth the whole time he's awake and here. And he's no longer being helpful. He just gets up and flops on the couch unless he's going to work, and in that case, he gets home, changes, and flops until I get dinner ready. I do love him to death and he's a nice guy, but I'm growing more and more annoyed as days pass. There is no effort whatsoever to get out of here. Apartment places are open on Sundays, yet he chose to sleep off his hangover all day yesterday. He's sold two cars, but that's earned him about $400 and he won't see it until the 1st, which is still two weeks from today. Of course, he has time to sell other cars in that time and I hope he gets on it.
I was so upset last night and Shane could see it. He told me we'd be fine. I don't see how. I'm looking at our bank account and I'm subtracting our bills that we HAVE to pay immediately and it leaves us with hardly a dime. Child support is here in a week, so we just have to make it until then. I'll buy a few odds and ends to last until then to get us by on food. It's a cheap eating week. I want to get Shane to ask his friend for some money to help us out, but I know he won't. He is too proud. I just can't do it. I'm not who invited him into our home and it's not really my place to say anything. You know? When I lived with my parents for that time after I left Scott, I gave 30 bucks a week towards food and I paid part of the phone bill too. I had some money and I got a job so I helped out. I washed dishes, I did my own laundry, I didn't intrude at all. Now he has a load of clothes sitting in his room that I guess he expects me to come get. It's not my job and Shane told me I'm not responsible for his friend's stuff. So I'm staying out of that.
He has to go. It's just not gonna work. The only good thing is that none of this is making Shane and me fight.
I need a hug. I'm at the end of my rope with this arrangement.
Mel
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This is much deeper and more troubling than the problems I first thought you had with just the boarder and the way you both approach money. I would definitely object to those calls and the way he dismisses you and treats you. You must nip it in the bud now or you will have troubles later.
I think you do need a counselor to help you sort your thoughts and to help you choose the important things to work on. I would hope that Shane goes with you but if he doesn't then go alone. You should explain that you feel overwhelmed and that you want to do everything right for your new family. Maybe you should copy and print your letter below from tonight. Give him time to think about it.
Mel,
Super big hugs to you! I can almost feel your hurt through your post and I'm so sorry you're going through all of this at such a delicate time.
Many women have been victims of men changing their ways after marriage. Sometimes blinded by the attention they give and all the emotions of new love, we can't see how they may be hiding their true selves.
Get counseling. Do it for you. Get your feelings validated. Counseling will help you move through some of the emotionally charged stuff and help you sort through it and see your options more clearly. You may learn ways to "choose your battle," in other words, what's important and what isn't worth the energy and you may learn ways to approach Shane about your concerns in a way that he is more willing to accept and get yourself heard.
It takes two to make a marriage work though, you can't put it all on yourself. There comes a point where you just break and irreconcilable differences can't be resolved. If he's not willing to try, then he is the one throwing away his marriage, not you.
Get that counseling...it will help, and if there is anyway that you can remove yourself from the situation for a while, do it. Is there anyone you can stay with or visit for a couple of weeks?
I did want to clarify and I'm so sorry if I came out to be saying he thinks I'm stupid. He doesn't. He always tells me I'm very smart and that I can do anything I put my mind to, but he just wishes I'd figure it out so I'd be happy.
He's right.
But as far as the escort deal. I know he's admitted to one time he's set up a friend. He told me he knew the girl from when he worked at the country dance bar (I've been there and know he did work there) and the escort girls do hang out looking to clients. He had her card once and he said even though he never was with her, he heard she was the best so one of his friends that he won't reveal was set up. He didn't pay for it, the friend did, so that's why I wonder why Shane had to call her.
Since then, he hasn't. Not that I'm aware of. Sometimes I have to use his phone because mine is charging and I'll see calls made. Contact lists, etc, when I'm scrolling to find who I am about to call. She's not there on his list any longer. I told him that had to stop and he said he wasn't doing that anymroe because they could set up their own nights. But he acted as if it were totally innocent. Like I had no reason to be mad or worried. So who knows?
I think Shane wants to feel important like you said, so he thinks he has to be all big and bad.
I am going to see a counselor. I talked to him about it. He said if I wanted to, to go and he'd even go with me. I told him how things have changed and he thinks it might be a good idea to try to see why we fight so much.
Maybe there's hope. He said he's never thought of leaving me and he loves me and wants this to last forever. Hopefully it will with some help.
Mel
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I am going to see a counselor. I talked to him about it. He said if I wanted to, to go and he'd even go with me. I told him how things have changed and he thinks it might be a good idea to try to see why we fight so much.
Maybe there's hope. He said he's never thought of leaving me and he loves me and wants this to last forever. Hopefully it will with some help.
Mel, I'm so glad to see that you are going to counseling, that you talked and that Shane says he will even go with you.
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