He's GREAT... but

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
He's GREAT... but
10
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:23pm

I've been dating the same guy for 4 months. We are in love. Personality, attraction, most everything just clicks. We can spend 24-7 together and not get on each other's nerves. I mean, it's like we were separated at birth. We've discussed living together. My kids love him. He loves my kids. They love having him around. So far so good. But I always thought that living together would be farther down the road.

My only problem is that we don't seem to click financially. Ok, I just see BIG differences in the way that we both manage our money. And frankly, I see it being a problem when we are finally sharing expenses. I make twice what he does. He is financially strapped if we live together or not. NOW OBVIOUSLY, this issue does not affect my LOVE for him. I dont base that feeling off of the amount of his paycheck. But I really do see it being a big problem for us. He is capable of so much more... just unmotivated to further his career opportunities. If I am going to share a home with someone, I want them to contribute and help my situation. I dont want to end up helping support him only. I have 3 kids and I dont need another person to support. I know that sounds terrible. But I cant help but see it that way.

So what do I do? I really do love this man and I want a future with him. I just feel like that future is limited based on his attitudes about his job/money. Advice anyone? TIA!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:48pm
I see this as a major, huge, serious red flag. This is one of those things that couples fight about and get divorces over. This is not a superficial issue and I don't think it's terrible of you to be pragmatic. Unless you can really accept who he is and how he is financially, then you need to move on. You accept him how he is and what that's going to do to you or you leave...because you are not going to change him. If you try, he will be someone else, not the guy you met...and he's going to resent it.
I totally hear you. He's great, you are falling in love, he gets on well with your kids...but is all this enough to make you want to have him as a partner who can't bring in as much income as you would like? Is he going to get you into debt? For someone who is single, has THREE kids and perhaps has a mortgage at risk, it's pretty scary. Love can't fix it all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:58pm

Hi! I have two questions for you:
Why do you have to make a decision to live with him now? You've only known him 4 months. That doesn't seem like enough time to get to know someone well enough to make this kind of a decision. ALOT changes when you move in with someone, and with kids involved, if you decide to do it you should be 100% sure that he's what you want.

And is his attitude about his job/money truly based on lack of motivation or is this just an assumption on your part? Perhaps he loves his job and money isn't the most important thing to him and this is why he doesn't want to make a change? You have to get to the bottom of his reasons for his financial struggles. If you have differing opinions & values about this, this will continue to be a problem, only 10X worse when you live together. You should talk this over and clarify expectations/opinions about this kind of stuff as part of your decision making process.

I have some experience in this. I live with my SO, who earns a teacher's salary. He has 3 sons, so when you subtract out his taxes, retirement, daycare, etc...I earn about 60% more than he does. I knew this going into the relationship...and it didn't bother me because I knew it was just circumstantial...and he had a plan.
I don't mind being the main supporter of our little group...but it took me atleast a year to get to know my SO well enough to decide I wanted to live with him (and his kids). My daughter needed that much time to get used to the idea too. I knew that he was compatible to me, and everything about him and I were great, but I also learned that he was a great dad...a great father figure...a great teacher and member of the community...an upbeat, positive guy, civic-minded, etc. And I learned about his goals for growth in the future. Together, we made plans. A year after we moved in together and got settled in, he would pursue his master's degree...(and subsequently climb up the salary ladder). We've been living together since Feb 2004, he starts grad school this fall.

So, take your time and communicate these things. There is nothing wrong with letting him know this is an area of concern for you and you'd like to know what plans he has to improve, before making such an important committment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 6:18pm

This is excellent advice!! I agree it is best to take your time and not assume and communicate.

I would rather have someone who makes less money and is a better person/partner... but as long as he is financially responsible.

I was married to a man who was married to his career - and that is just no fun being second fiddle to that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 10:44pm

That's a really tough one. How much do you know about his personal finances? Both my ex-h and my x-bf are broke, but for totally different reasons. I think the reasons matter.

My ex is irresponsible and unmotivated. He has a masters degree, but I realized after he finished that his main priority was not his future career, it was staying in school as long as possible no matter what the cost. He resents that he has to pay for his education himself and that I'm not paying for it. His student loans are $30k higher because for 3 years after he graduated he ignored the mail and didn't pay a dime (he lied to me about this), and they charged him for the interest, penalty fees, court costs and their attorney fees. I found out only after I said I wanted a divorce that he had been sued by the school and his wages were being garnished. He wanted alimony when we separated (he did get temporary spousal support for 6 months but that was it), and he gets child support from me because he makes less. He is always broke and I think his mom bails him out a lot since I don't anymore (I am positive she bought him a new muffler recently, he wanted a long time to fix it, it was literally falling off the car, almost dragging on the ground and surprise, it got fixed the weekend she was in town). He tried to get me to buy him a new laptop on credit after we were separated, and he wanted me to use the child support checks to pay it off (instead of giving the money to him, which I don't think is allowed), and when he failed to pay a traffic ticket and let his car insurance lapse, he ended up with a suspended liscense and his car in the police lot, he wanted me to bail him out from that mess. I suspect he will always be like that. I don't know why his gf accepts it, unless she just doesn't realize the extent. I know the weekend he introduced the gf to dd, he ran out of money. He tried to get cash out and couldn't, dd told me and then ex-h got on the phone to assure me it was okay, he did have food in the house but had made a miscalculation in his checkbook so he was broke. Then he said he took dd out to lunch to meet the gf, so I guess she paid. He says she works two jobs, so maybe she is like I used to be and wants to 'fix' him. Honestly, I think maybe he's willing to put a lot of effort into a new relationship in order to get someone to take care of him again.

My x-bf is broke because of child support and fighting a long custody battle, and on going legal issues. He makes about what I make and has no debts. He worked hard to get where he is, and no matter what I think he will always land on his feet. He wouldn't take a handout from me even if I offered, he'd go without if he didn't have the money (he did borrow from his best friend and family members to help pay for the custody battle, but he never asked me for help once). If he doesn't have the money for something, he'll reprioritize and make it work. He'll pay to take his cat to the vet before he'll buy something for himself. He's not rich, but he is financially responsible.

I agree with the previous posts that you need to get to know him a better and understand what it would mean if you co-mingled your incomes. Would you end up with just another mouth to feed, or would you be a team? Is there room for compromise? Does he know about and understand your concerns, and what does he have to say about them? Is it mostly his income level, or are there deeper issues with money and responsibility and can you live with that? Would it be fair to you and your children? Would it end up making your children financially worse off than if you were alone? My dd is much better off now that her dad's ability to drain me financially is gone, there is no need to put your children in that kind of situation if you don't have to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 7:32am

That is an excellent point and story to illustrate that you cannot judge a book by its cover and that the details are important. Who would think that a person with a masters degree would turn out like that!! At the same time, your xbf showed that he was willing to spend money where it mattered but good at being disciplined when he didn't have it.

One of the guys I dated had his own business that wasn't viable. He could not accept failure and give it up and move on. Instead he worked 7 days a week many hours and barely eaked out a very frugal living and is in a huge amount of debt. He also has not filed or paid income taxes in 10 years now because he chooses to remain in denial. The crazy thing is that his parents are both very wealthy and would bail him out if he would accept their help.

It took me some time to figure all this out - and my no-go point was when he asked me for money to cover the overdraw on his checking account. He has a finance degree from one of the most prestigous colleges and came from a very wealthy successful family. His father has 2 homes, horses, fine cars, basically everything. His mom has the most beautiful multi-million dollar home and is a successful interior designer.

His attitude, however, tells all. He feels that he has more of a chance to inherit a fortune than to make one.

I really want someone with a healthy attitude towards money. I don't want a workaholic who only cares about making money. I don't want a spend thrift. And I don't want someone who is so frugal they reuse their toilet paper. Just someone like me who has enough because they are happy with what they have and can respect the fact that money doesn't grow on trees.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 1:52pm

Does he need a place to live right now? Is that why you're in a such a hurry to live together?

IMO, you have not been together long enough to consider living together. Especially, considering the fact that you have children. It's one thing when you're single and only make decisions for yourself. You can shack up with anyone and move around as it suits you. When you have kids, you don't want to do that. Let's say that you move in together and it doesn't work out. What a huge mess that would be!

At 4 months, you can't really know someone. You're still in the infatuation stage. Life sets in fairly quickly after you've been together for 6 months to a year. Within that timeframe, you'll have a better idea of exactly how you feel about this person. Not now.

If it were me, I would not, absolutely not, positively not, entangled myself with someone who does not share my work ethic. This has nothing to do with how much money a person makes. If a man makes less than me, but goes to his job every day and has some goals, I can respect that. If he's stagnate and not really trying, I don't want to be burdenned with a person like that. Been there, done that and have the divorce to prove it.

Avatar for daisychain2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 12:46pm

Definately take your time on this one. Money problems can be DISASTROUS! My case is a bit extreme, but you'll get the point.

I moved in with my now ex fiance when we had been dating for only 6 months. I made more money than he did, and it just seemed to make sense for us to live together so that both of our bills would be less. Unfortunately, I made enough to pay ALL the bills, and as soon as that was realized, guess what happened to the ex's job? Yup. He quit. We lived together for two years, and in that time he had 13 different jobs, none of them lasting longer than a month or so. I think the shortest was him only showing up to the orientation.

The stress of him not working killed our relationship. I needed someone stable because not only was I the only one working, but I'm also in school full time to become an RN. Arguements about money and jobs opened the door for other disagreements about our core values. All the while, my daughter gets attached to him and loves him like family.

Please please please take your time before moving in together!! 4 months really isn't long enough to know someone before you allow them to have such a HUGE role in your and especially your childrens lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 1:54pm

My ex husband would work less and less with each promotion that I got. We never made more money together as a couple, because he'd cut back his hours whenever I made more. It was very frustrating and was a real burden for me.

Many men these days are looking for meal tickets.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 5:24pm
fivesense, did you see any red flags for this matter in the dating process?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 2:17pm

I suppose I did see these red flags when I was dating my exh, but I was so young and silly. I thought I could handle being the breadwinner and that only love mattered. I could handle making more money and having more savings than my partner, but he would have to share my work ethic.

I can't stand a man who looks for every excuse to get out of going to work.