Hey girls...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Hey girls...
19
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 1:59pm

I've missed all of you. It's been so long since I've been by but I was not single so what was the point in posting here? I do have some bad news. Shane and I are separating after almost 3 years of marriage. I'm not saying we are divorcing but that is up in the air. We are both open to reconciling, but he's less interested in it than I am because he feels like he's got no faults. It kinda makes me wonder why I even bother....

We have a gorgeous DD, Emily and of course, my DS, Dylan. Emi will be 2 this Wednesday and Dyl will be 8 in May. I'm 34 and about to embark on single life again and it's killing me. I'm not sure if I love him enough to stick it out or if it's that I'm afraid to be out there again and am more in love with being with someone. I know we jumped into it quick. But we really were in love. I know I love him more than I have ever loved another, but I also know that this marriage is not working because he refuses to help me, spends money like it's growing on trees, and blames me for everything. Of course, I'll miss sex with him. It's the best I ever had. We still live together and sleep in the bed together, and are having sex. He just driving me crazy though because one moment he's as sweet and affectionate as he can be then he just pulls away. He says he's gonna move out for now, but has not made any moves toward it. UGH! If he's gonna go, why doesn't he just carry it?

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 4:08pm

Hi Mel,

Glad you dropped by to say hi, even if it was to bring news that is distressing to you. You know you are always welcome here - once a single mom you are always in the sisterhood no matter what happens and we do love updates from alumni.

If nothing else your post reminds us that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I remember you and your story and pix quite well. You always had a way of bringing up fun chatty subjects for us to discuss.

And I do remember that Shane was never quite as good as you about keeping the purse strings tight. YOu always did amaze me with your discipline at keeping a budget and keeping out of debt.

I will venture to say that the good news is that you two are enjoying sex. I pray that you can both stay together and work stuff out - although that is easy for me to say since I am so safely by myself at my computer. I know from my married friends that marriage is never easy even when it is easy. I am wondering if Shane is under a lot of pressure at work right now? Have you gone to counseling? Even if he won't go, I urge you to go and just take time with all of this. Time is always good.

OKay - that is all I can think of - hope I help - and even if I don't help or have things right in what I say, we are always here for you!!

I am sure the other girls will chime in too. We still have some here that will surely remember you.

HUGS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 7:34pm

I'm sorry to hear about your seperation, although I'm not sure I feel natural calling it that since you aren't physically seperated.

I think we have all gone through a period where we weren't sure if we were really in love with the person, or with the idea of being in love. The thing to remember is that being single isn't a life sentence, but being you is- make sure you're happy for YOU- whether that's married, divorced, single, or dating.

Once you know if you want to make things work or not, don't sit around waiting for him to make a decision. Obviously you can't make him want to be a good husband and want to be with you, but if you decide that you don't want to be with him, there's no law saying you should wait around until he decides to move out. Agree on a date, and he'll be out by then.

Being divorced, or going through a seperation, or even staying married are not excuses to be doormats, which is something I think we all have to remember from time to time. You don't have to settle for whatever crumbs of affection he gives you. You don't have to wait for him to make decisions.

Welcome back, in any case, and I'm sure everyone will have great advice for you!

Moody, who can't resist giving her opinion


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 7:57pm

Melissa,


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


You are always welcome here!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:45am

Thanks girl!. My first counseling session is next week. I am actually excited about the thoughts she might have and am ready to grow a thick skin and let her just tell it like it is to me. I need that. I have a lot of growing to do. I took a huge step the other day. Shane had a conference to go to in Dallas and was only supposed to stay one night and return the following day. His best friend lives there and I don't like the guy...he's a drunk. Well Shane stayed all day the next day and never said whether he would come home that night or not...he didn't. He did call me to say he probably would stay since his friend was drunk. He came home Easter morning and we went to church as a family. I greeted him at the door with a big hug, told him I was glad he was home and never asked a single question. No 3rd degree, nothing. Usually, I would have bombarded him at the door with questions and probably still asking today. But I won't. I trust he was where he said he was and that is that.

Shane does plan to move out into an efficiency for a little bit, but only because we both need space to heal the wounds we've inflicted on each other. He compares it to an open sore. It needs a bandaid. The space we are gonna take is our bandaid. I think he is giving me a chance to prove I can trust him in my heart by not calling 24/7 to check on him. If I can go a day or two without calling for anything other than if I need him for something, then I am showing him I am trying. My insecurities have been troublesome to us both. Then he will be willing to be less judgemental of me. It works for both of us.

We are maintaining one bank account still. He is not trying to push me out of his life and he's not trying to hide anything. I'll see it all. And we will see each other. I can say this might work out fine and we can come together after some time and be a family again.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:51am

Thanks so much! I am planning to see a counselor next week and begin therapy to get my thoughts together. Shane is open to going too, but he has to decide when he's gonna go. I am not forcing him. I am just letting him do what he's gonna do, but letting him know that if he is going to move, he needs to do it soon and not prolong this.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 10:48am

Mel,

You are not an insecure person who needs a bandaid. It sounds to me like Shane is the one who needs to grow up. A successful marriage, and particularly when it is saddled with parenthood, is a lifestyle. It means you are committed to a happy and stable home life not just the perks of home with wild single nights thrown in that keep a spouse worrying about where you are. This Easter scenario along with your other stories I remember show that he just makes you feel insecure. So don't beat yourself up.

I am glad you are going to counseling. I think it will show you that you did all you could do and that is all you can do - just your own part. You cannot do the other person's part- they have to be big and do that on their own.

We welcome you here for however long you need to stay - you always had good posts to add to the threads and good topics for us to discuss. I learned a lot from you. I hope you stay.

And remember something - single, divorced, married, widowed - we are all the same - we are moms and women. None of those "tags" makes us better or worse than another.

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:25am

I have told him numerous times that he needs to focus on us rather than his friends and activities. I want to be okay with him going to see his friend sometimes or to have a drink after work occaionally, not a habit, just every so often. I want to be okay with him having a life with things to do because I want that for me too, but I want mostly for us to be together and do things as a couple with or without other couples. As a family with the kids. Why is that wrong? But he just doesn't make that time for us. He's taken off two weekends in the past 3 weeks and this had been almost a year since the last time and BOTH were dedicated to his friend, Tim. This hurts. Especially since he promised his next weekend would be with me. But still, I said nothing to him about his staying an extra night away. I let him do it because he obviously felt like he needed it. I don't want to take away his friends or his life, but he also needs to understand like you said, we are the top priorities, but he focuses more on work and everyone else. I may figure out while he's gone that I likemy life better. I hope that is not the case, but only time will tell.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 11:54am

Yes - I remember that he is the nicest guy on the planet and has trouble putting you and the kids first. He always excelled at work and was willing to work extra and is there for his friends in need. I don't know if this means he has to realize what he has at home or if he is not capable of that. The counselor will help you sort it out so you don't have to live in pain and disappointment. It sounds to me like work comes first - but then he just doesn't have enough time for you and when he gets free time he is off with a friend. That is not really a normal and secure family life for sure.

Okay - what I am hoping is that if he has to spend time without you, will he miss you and realize what he has?

I am wondering if you can take a trip somewhere for a while to go and visit some relatives or friends? This will give him the space he needs to figure stuff out - since most guys don't realize what they have until it is gone. It takes the financial pressure off of having 2 houses and you having to worry about work and stuff. Just puts a "hold" button. Just an idea - I am not upset if you don't use it of course!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 12:00pm

Gosh I wish I COULD go away for a couple of weeks, but with Dylan in school and my job, I cannot get away. I think also he is wanting a couple of months in his own place to get things resolved. I am scared he will see how fun it is to be single again and forget me. But then again, he hated coming home to an empty apartment while he was single. His apartment will not be nice, for sure. An efficiency. Cheap. So I feel like it's just gonna be a temporary cave for him to dwell in on a twin mattress on the floor until he can come to his senses and come home.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 12:50pm
Ack, we are aging, Mel! For some reason I remember Dylan as still being little - forgot he was in school by now. What are you doing for work? The last we spoke you were an SAHM. How is the baby? How big is the baby now?

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