Hey girls...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Hey girls...
19
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 1:59pm

I've missed all of you. It's been so long since I've been by but I was not single so what was the point in posting here? I do have some bad news. Shane and I are separating after almost 3 years of marriage. I'm not saying we are divorcing but that is up in the air. We are both open to reconciling, but he's less interested in it than I am because he feels like he's got no faults. It kinda makes me wonder why I even bother....

We have a gorgeous DD, Emily and of course, my DS, Dylan. Emi will be 2 this Wednesday and Dyl will be 8 in May. I'm 34 and about to embark on single life again and it's killing me. I'm not sure if I love him enough to stick it out or if it's that I'm afraid to be out there again and am more in love with being with someone. I know we jumped into it quick. But we really were in love. I know I love him more than I have ever loved another, but I also know that this marriage is not working because he refuses to help me, spends money like it's growing on trees, and blames me for everything. Of course, I'll miss sex with him. It's the best I ever had. We still live together and sleep in the bed together, and are having sex. He just driving me crazy though because one moment he's as sweet and affectionate as he can be then he just pulls away. He says he's gonna move out for now, but has not made any moves toward it. UGH! If he's gonna go, why doesn't he just carry it?

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:13pm
Dylan is 8 next month. He is in second grade and making straight A's. He's in his 4th year of baseball and doing well. Emily is 2 tomorrow. She is gorgeous. I will attach photos of them once I am home. I work for a hospital in customer service. I am looking for a better job though that pays better. The benefits are great but the pay stinks. Yeah, when I joined this board, Dyl was 3. Funny how time flies!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:38pm

I was not going to comment on this thread because I can tell you really want this to work and I was hoping I’d read something that made this a totally different situation.. But as I read, my hair is standing straight up. You sound just like me 20 years ago. Shane sounds very much like my X 20 years ago. He has to want to change, he has to see HIS behavior is unacceptable, not just to you, it would be unacceptable to any significant other. You are not being clingy and insecure, his behavior is making you feel insecure. He should care that it hurts you. Instead he wants to go be a bachelor again. That isn’t just immature, it’s selfish and narcissistic.

Go to counseling. Be totally honest with what bothers you and why it bothers you. You want a counselor who will tell you if this situation is salvagable, not a couselor who will just tell you how to stay in this situation. See, many counselors will tell you what they think you want to hear. If all the counselor hears is how much you love this man and are fearful of losing him, they will advise you how to stay. You want to know if this is just the beginning of an ever worsening situation and how to get youself to be OK with moving on, or accepting that Shane wants to move on.

I am sorry you are going through this, and that your children will feel pain through all this, as I’m sure they are attached to him. But if Shane is a guy like my X, you are truely saving yourself and your kids a lifetime of emotional agony by ending things now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:53pm

Bravo QB - I am so glad you said something - because this is very true and put into good perspective. Shane does have to see that what he does is so hurtful and he has to want to change. Unfortunately we have to realize that we cannot will their good behavior into being. ARGH!

Mel, dear, do keep us posted - can't wait to see the pix of the kids. Sounds like you have done a wonderful job with them and working, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:05pm

I just see this man that I fell in love with and it's hard for me to forget what he used to be. He used to be romantic and a gentleman and so sweet and passionate. Now he's just an empty shell and blames me. He says my insecurity has drained all the love he felt for me and he just cannot see how he'll get it back. He says he will always love me and respect me, but he's not in love. He says he is open to trying but he doesn't trust that I can change my behavior. But what he isn't looking at is his place in this. He used my insecurities as a weapon. He emailed people, called people, he had no business talking to on any level and did that because I snooped and he wanted me to see it and say something. I did. I was devastated. I know he really isn't cheating but he's just not an open kind of guy. He just clams up. He's a champion arguer...he's in the car business and can convince you you are wrong even if you aren't. He paints people in corners and is proud of that. It ticks me off. I still see that sweet man, though that made me swoon 3 years ago. I still see him when he holds our DD. I still see him when he interacts with me DS. He's there. Why is he not coming out so I can be with him?

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:25pm

I'm glad she spoke her mind too. Gosh! I am so receptive to all of it because deep down I see what he's doing wrong and I know I might be better off without him. I just love him so much for all those moments we've shared that were good. I love him for how great of a father he is. And I love him for the way he's loved me most of our time together. But I don't know if it's romantic love now or just wanting to be with him for the sake of not being alone. For the sake of not failing another marriage, for the sake of not having my stupid ex thinking he was right and having he and his slutty wife (yes, she is a slut) laughing at me for losing another husband. I feel like eventually I will call it off. I mean he wants to hold all the cards, but I don't deserve to wait forever. I love him but I don't love anyone enough to wait too long.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: lissa91
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 4:45pm

I have been trying to stay out of this, and I didn't know you from before, but I just felt I had to add my opinion.

I seriously hope the counselor helps you see that none of this is your fault. Emotional and mental abuse can be as bad or worse than physical abuse. I feel from reading this thread that that is what is going on in your home- your husband is deliberately abusing your love for him. He must know you love him, know you'll allow him to move into his "cave until he comes to his senses", which basically will mean to him free time until he gets tired of it. I can sense that you want this to work, and for your sake, I hope it does- but only if your husband changes, and not because you're allowing him to run the show. A marriage is a partnership that both people have to enter into openly.

I also think you should think of the example you could be setting for your children. Would you want your son to grow up believing that as long as he's nice to his kids and has a job, he can treat their mother however he pleases? Would you want your daughter to grow up thinking it's all right for men to treat her this way?

I also think you shouldn't worry about what your ex and his new wife think about you. Or the neighbors. Or the grocer. Or anyone else. They aren't living your life, and you need to do what's right for you. End of story.

Moody, who couldn't resist adding her two cents


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 12:08am
"I also think you shouldn't worry about what your ex and his new wife think about you. Or the neighbors. Or the grocer. Or anyone else. They aren't living your life, and you need to do what's right for you. End of story.

I also think you shouldn't worry about what your ex and his new wife think about you. Or the neighbors. Or the grocer. Or anyone else. They aren't living your life, and you need to do what's right for you. End of story."'


Excellent points, I totally agree!!!!


You don't need to worry that anyone will see you as a failure, because they will be thinking the exact opposite!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 8:20am

Don't ever feel like you need to stay out of any subject just because you might not agree with what the poster says. I've learned as a CL of this board once that it's important to just tell it.

I totally agree with you. I know that the best example for my kids is to not take any crap. And I won't. I don't plan to stick around forever if he just hem haws over his decision. If he feels he needs to move out for a while to resolve his issues, he can. It might be good for us. I don't want him to go and I'm doing my best around the house to just be easier going, not to the point of submission, but just not as moody and we're getting along much better. He's not as moody either.

Whatever happens, I'll be fine. I just hate the thought of another failed marriage.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 8:28am

Thanks. I actually could care less about my ex, but he warned Shane about me and told him to bail right away before he married me. Shane told him to go to Hell. Of course if the marriage flops, my ex and his wife will assume that I screwed up because that is their way of thinking. I just don't want to end up fighting with my ex over how stupid he and his wife are when they have no idea what is happening.

I guess I should just say that people will think what they will, but it bugs me to go through another split, just as it would anyone.

I'm okay though because I have my work and school and the kids. Plus Shane and I are getting along great. Who knows what will happen?

~Mel~

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