Hi! I have some questions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Hi! I have some questions...
3
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 12:30pm

Hi ladies....I guess I should introduce myself.

Here's the quick overview...lol. I'm a divorced widow with three children. My daughter is 9, and my sons are 2.5 & 1. I married my daughter's father in 2004, but seperated from him in January 2005 due to some addiction problems that led to abuse. At the time I left him I had the two kids, but shortly after that I found out I was pg with my youngest. Long story short...I've been seperated for almost two years, divorced for one year & my ex-husband passed in August this year (OD). My daughter has spent about a year of cumulative "quality" time with her dad, but her brothers don't remember him. He never had visitation after the seperation.

I'm ready to date again because I've been single for a couple years. I've done the healing and am naturally starting to get re-interested in men (wasn't for at least a year after my seperation). I am "healing" from his death, too....but I prepared myself for it. To me, it was like the death of a good friend & soulmate...but I wasn't in love with him anymore & our relationship really deteriorated towards the end. Kwim?

Anyway...I'm ready, but I don't know how it would affect my daughter if I started dating so soon after her dad passed. She was appropriatly upset after his death and she openly talks about it. She has never expressed any anger or upset in regards to me dating....but she does get overly "silly" with any men that are around (family members, close friends, husbands of my gf...etc.). I think she is acting out because she really wants to have a close relationship with somebody "like a dad"....but doesn't quite know how to do it.

Any suggestions to make my upcoming dating efforts easier on her?

TIA,

Jenn

mama bear to:

Ariana
Nathan J
Grant

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 3:23pm

If I were you, I would keep your daughter in the dark about your dating life until you are in a serious committed relationship with a man. Single moms often have really close relationships with their children...so close, that our children become our friends. I probably talk to my son and I know that I interact with him more than I would if there was someone else living in the house with us. It's just the two of us.

We have to resist the urge to tell our kids too much, especially on grown-up matters like finances and romances. I didn't introduce my son to my SO until I had been dating my SO for 7 months. I have been dating the same man for almost 2 years and I still try to keep my son out of the romance as much as possible. Even though my son sees his father regularly, he really wants to see my SO as a father. I want to postpone that until there is a marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 4:17pm

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for stopping by - and welcome.

You have been through a lot - but are certainly ready to start dating.

I agree with fivesense that you should leave the kids OUT of your private adult dating world for now. I would also be inclined to wait to have an SO meet the kids - until it is very committed and exclusive.

Dating has changed a lot since you have been out there - you might want to read some good books. And of course hanging out on this board is a great way to learn what is going on. We are ALWAYS here for support and answers to questions and dilemmas.

I wish you all the best!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 10:13pm

Hi Jenn,


Welcome to the board.


I'm sorry to hear about your ex husband.


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