Hi. I'm new here (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Hi. I'm new here (m)
5
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 8:48am

A little about me. I am 39 (Yikes!). I have been separated for almost 9 months. I have 3 small children. So the single mom thing takes up most of my free time. I don't really get much help from my soon to be ex. He sees them (mostly) every-other weekend. That is about all. So joining things isn't much of an option for me.

Anyhow, I have been on a few dates but no real chemisty (I just wasn't feeling it). So no second dates as of yet. I have been open to most anyone. After all, you have to give people a chance. I met someone a couple of weeks ago when I was out having a drink with my friends. We talked quite a bit and seem to have things in common. I really liked him and asked him to call. I didn't hear from him until Friday afternoon. He asked me out but I had my children and it was my son's birthday so I had to decline. I told him that I was free the next night. He said he would call me at about the same time the next day. I said that I would be busy then but to try me earlier. I didn't hear from him. I was somewhat disappointed. I have thought about calling him and telling him that I would like to see him again but I'm not sure if that is appropriate. Is it? Do women call men? I haven't called any as of yet. If they want to talk to me, they have to call. They all do but I'm not really interested in any of them. I am interested in him. I would like to get to know him better.

So any thoughts would be appreciated.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 11:48am

Hi Priscilla,
Welcome to the board! I am kind of new here , too. A couple months. Everyone here seems so helpful. You will enjoy it here. :)

A lotof women hesitate to call men. I don't, but I don't call frequently or to express needs, especially early on.

When I call, I sometimes ask a man out. I let him do the asking at least half the time. Something I found is that guys can by shy abotu asking moms to date, they hesitate because they know it means work for you to get a sitter. So If you can give a guy a clue on how to ask, that's sometimes helpful:

If you'd like to do something, let me know! I can get a sitter with a couple days notice.

When I call to talk, I never do every night, I let them call if they want that frequent communication. I never make demands: will you call tomorrow? What are you thinking? Are you going out tonight? He will tell you if he wants.

If I call and he's not home, I do leave a message and don't call back persistently until he gets home. In the message I try to alwasy sound chipper and not insistant that he cal back.

I find that being independent and confident helps a guy feel more relaxed about giving is attention. He feels it is less expected and more appreciated.

I guess I am saying go ahead and call! Have fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 12:12pm

Thanks. I guess I just want him to know I'm interested and if he wants to see me, the ball will be in his court. It is hard to feel these things out. I would never call much. I actually haven't called anyone to this point unless returning calls they have made to me. I only have his number because he has called me. He is also divorced with kids so he "gets it".

Thanks for the advice. I will call and leave a message. If he calls back, great. IF not I guess he just isn't interested.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:01pm

Hello, Priscilla, and welcome! As to your questions, I think it depends on the woman, the men, and definitely the type of relationship sought.

Most of us don't call men as a general rule if we're looking for something substantial and long term, but there are exceptions to every rule. You have to decide what works best for YOU.

However, I would say that since you gave him the perfect opportunity to call, and he didn't, and since he waited until a few hours before the proposed date time to call you Friday, I think this guy's just looking for a good time.

Not a problem if that's all you're looking for, but I get the feeling he'll be impatient with the fact that you have kids and can't just drop everything an hour before he wants to see you. I might be wrong, but that's the vibe I'm getting.

Moody, not a caller, typically


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:33pm

He knows I have kids, he does as well. He also stressed that his child comes first and he had tried dating someone younger with no children and it didn't work. She didn't get it. He certainly understands having children though Maybe you are right though. He may just not be interested. He does know "a good time" is not possible with me. I made that perfectly clear.

Any thoughts on how to meet a good guy. I haven't had any luck in 9 months. I am beginning to think I should just give up. At least I would think I would find someone worth a second date. It is much harder than being a 20something and dating. Much harder. I have no trouble attracting men, it is just finding anyone I want to date that is hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 8:46pm

Hi gal-startingover,

I know it is hard to start over and meet someone new. The best advice I can give is to revv up your social life and do all you can to meet new people - friends and activity partners especially. The wider your circle, the better. Also, this helps you feel fulfilled with adult company and makes the wait seem easier.

With regards to your question, the only thing I can say is that I want a guy really into me who calls and asks me out for dates and who really likes me. I don't want to play call him and see and prod him and see - that is too frustrating for me. So, if I was in your shoes I probably would not call.

The suggestion to throw the ball in his court - if you want to do something I can get a sitter just call is okay.

Perhaps he just needs time to figure stuff out. If he did date younger woman he might have an attraction towards them, even though the last one didn't work out.

Hang in there - you will meet the right guy for you eventually. It just takes time. And you might as well have fun while you wait!

Judy