Sorry to hear that your relationship with this guy didn't work out. I honestly think that you should take some time off from dating. You went from married to separated to dating to break up. And you have 3 teenagers that need time to settle in from having their parents get separated and divorced. I think you need to find yourself as a single person again.
Get your world back in motion - develop your own friends and interests. Get all of the kids on a good routine and going good. THEN you can think about dating - because when you have a really good life you will be more picky and you will make sure the guy is into you.
I hope you stick around - you will learn a LOT about dating and relationships on this board as I have done.
Hi Cath, Your story is so similar to mine. My kids are younger, but I went through the same thoughts that you are having now. My ex husband was also emotionally abusive and controling and our relationship was over years before it was officially over. And when I left him I immediately started dating and got into a serious relationship only four months after that, while I was still legally married. And I thought the same thing: I was divorced in my heart and at that point it was all a legality. My divorce just became final a little more than a month ago, 1 yr after separating. And my relationship with my boyfriend just ended about 3 weeks ago. And I was a mess.
But now that I've had time to reflect on that, I can see I had it all wrong. Even though I was divorced in my heart, I was still fighting with my exhusband, going to court, as well as trying to help my kids adjust. And even though your kids may seem to be fine with it, they probably are having some issues that they aren't telling you about. My 6 year old pretended she was fine with mommy and daddy splitting, and I do think the kids have adjusted well, but kids naturally want to protect their parents, so it is very likely that they won't share their fears and worries with you - especially teenagers. My 6 yr will tell her grandma (my mom) all about how her mommy and daddy would fight all the time and it makes her sad. She has NEVER said that to me, even when I prompt her to talk about her feelings.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that I realized that having a relationship, or even dating, when I had so much going on was a really bad idea. Not only does it just give you another thing to worry about, it also pulls your focus away from finding out who YOU are. Also, how can you give a relationship everything you have if you are still fighting with your husband? If he was controlling and abusive, I'm guessing you are like me and you never had the freedom to be who you really are. Take time to figure out who you are - just you.
When I was married I felt like a princess locked in a tower, waiting for my knight in shining armor to come rescue me, or for me to finally get the courage to escape. And even though I had a husband I felt like I was alone, which is why when I separated I thought I had it all together. I thought "now is my chance. I've escaped from the tower and I'm going to find my prince. Good riddance to that toad I've been married to all these years. I'm moving on." But what I didn't realize is that the baggage I was unknowingly carrying made me think I needed a man to help me with the load. Here I was, walking with this heavy weight on my shoulders and when I found a man I immediately expected to be able to hand over the load to let him carry it. And maintained that I didn't have any baggage - I seriously thought there wasn't any and I only just realized this in the last week or so. In the end he wouldn't take my baggage. He was emotionally unavailable and unwilling to take that on. And I have gone through he!! these past few weeks. But I've meditated and prayed about it. I've talked with some friends and my family and have received some very good advice and support from the folks right here. And I've come to realize that I didn't have it all together. I couldn't. How could you? How can you come from an abusive relationship and expect to just move on without picking up the pieces?
Now I have breathing room. I can focus better without being worried over some guy. I went out with my friends Friday night and had the time of my life. It felt so freeing to have guys hitting on me, but to know that I didn't need them to validate me. I could flirt, dance, have fun, but in the end I went home alone. I woke up alone, but for the first time in my life I didn't feel lonely. It is so liberating and even a month ago I didn't even think I needed that liberation.
I still have a long way to go, but I have been in your shoes. I am just starting to surface from all of these false thoughts, but already I'm feeling so wonderful about myself - and I had thought I felt wonderful about myself a month ago, but it was all just a facade to others and to myself. Please give yourself some breathing room. Just try it out - what have you got to lose? Give yourself a predetermined amount of time to not think about dating. Try it for a month. Make a point of calling up some friends and having a girls night out. Have a spa day with your girls. Get a new hair do. At the end of the month see where you are at, step back and re-examine things. You may see things differently than how you are seeing them now.
I really agree with this post and could not say anything better than this!!!!!!!!!!
Cath, of course you are divorced in your heart. But for now my opinion is that you should focus on getting the divorce done and on yourself. Find yourself. Find a lot of friends and build a fantastic social net of people to do stuff and people to call. THEN dating is great. Because you will be picky and not needy. You will be able to say no to a jerk or someone who doesn't match. You will not look at every move of a guy under a microscope and take everything personally and be needy. You will have a great life and a recipe for success.
I think you can work on a list of what you want and don't want for the next time. Think about how you got with your exh - and make sure you don't end up with someone similar.
Just this weekend I was at an athletic event with my friends. We were standing in a long line forever and I met the nicest guy. We chatted and hit it off. BUT BUT BUT - isn't there always a but? BUT he lives 2 hours away. And he actually had the audicity to ask me to drive to where he lives to go on a ride. The old me would have thought about it because I was so hungry for attention and a date.
BUT the new me says no way. I don't want to drive like that for a relationship. Don't want to move from here. And I sure don't want to turn my social life upside down to get up that early and drive that far for a guy. He has to be HERE and inviting me to do something fun to impress me that is good for me. Not just in his best interest. It has taken me a long time to learn what indicates good genuine interest "he is that into you" intentions versus "he just wants sex and what is easy for him" intentions.
I have worked hard on my social life and my activities so I do not depend on my son for entertainment - although me and my son have a great time together. And now I feel picky. I don't want someone to derail what I have - I want them to add to it. And I want them to cherish me for me and for my strengths. And I believe that when you set this goal then you will meet it.
I hope this helps. And that you stay and enjoy our board and the ladies here. Lostbee4 did a great job at using her own story and experience to explain why it is best to wait a bit. She was so kind to type all of that.
And maybe more women will chime in. You should read the stories posted here from momoftwins.
Hi Cath,
Welcome to the board, sounds like you have your hands full with all those teens!
Ok, honestly, I don't think you should be dating or even THINKING of dating.
Hi Cath and welcome to our board.
Sorry to hear that your relationship with this guy didn't work out. I honestly think that you should take some time off from dating. You went from married to separated to dating to break up. And you have 3 teenagers that need time to settle in from having their parents get separated and divorced. I think you need to find yourself as a single person again.
Get your world back in motion - develop your own friends and interests. Get all of the kids on a good routine and going good. THEN you can think about dating - because when you have a really good life you will be more picky and you will make sure the guy is into you.
I hope you stick around - you will learn a LOT about dating and relationships on this board as I have done.
Edited 7/17/2006 4:13 pm ET by cath0704
Hi Cath,
Your story is so similar to mine. My kids are younger, but I went through the same thoughts that you are having now. My ex husband was also emotionally abusive and controling and our relationship was over years before it was officially over. And when I left him I immediately started dating and got into a serious relationship only four months after that, while I was still legally married. And I thought the same thing: I was divorced in my heart and at that point it was all a legality. My divorce just became final a little more than a month ago, 1 yr after separating. And my relationship with my boyfriend just ended about 3 weeks ago. And I was a mess.
But now that I've had time to reflect on that, I can see I had it all wrong. Even though I was divorced in my heart, I was still fighting with my exhusband, going to court, as well as trying to help my kids adjust. And even though your kids may seem to be fine with it, they probably are having some issues that they aren't telling you about. My 6 year old pretended she was fine with mommy and daddy splitting, and I do think the kids have adjusted well, but kids naturally want to protect their parents, so it is very likely that they won't share their fears and worries with you - especially teenagers. My 6 yr will tell her grandma (my mom) all about how her mommy and daddy would fight all the time and it makes her sad. She has NEVER said that to me, even when I prompt her to talk about her feelings.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that I realized that having a relationship, or even dating, when I had so much going on was a really bad idea. Not only does it just give you another thing to worry about, it also pulls your focus away from finding out who YOU are. Also, how can you give a relationship everything you have if you are still fighting with your husband? If he was controlling and abusive, I'm guessing you are like me and you never had the freedom to be who you really are. Take time to figure out who you are - just you.
When I was married I felt like a princess locked in a tower, waiting for my knight in shining armor to come rescue me, or for me to finally get the courage to escape. And even though I had a husband I felt like I was alone, which is why when I separated I thought I had it all together. I thought "now is my chance. I've escaped from the tower and I'm going to find my prince. Good riddance to that toad I've been married to all these years. I'm moving on." But what I didn't realize is that the baggage I was unknowingly carrying made me think I needed a man to help me with the load. Here I was, walking with this heavy weight on my shoulders and when I found a man I immediately expected to be able to hand over the load to let him carry it. And maintained that I didn't have any baggage - I seriously thought there wasn't any and I only just realized this in the last week or so. In the end he wouldn't take my baggage. He was emotionally unavailable and unwilling to take that on. And I have gone through he!! these past few weeks. But I've meditated and prayed about it. I've talked with some friends and my family and have received some very good advice and support from the folks right here. And I've come to realize that I didn't have it all together. I couldn't. How could you? How can you come from an abusive relationship and expect to just move on without picking up the pieces?
Now I have breathing room. I can focus better without being worried over some guy. I went out with my friends Friday night and had the time of my life. It felt so freeing to have guys hitting on me, but to know that I didn't need them to validate me. I could flirt, dance, have fun, but in the end I went home alone. I woke up alone, but for the first time in my life I didn't feel lonely. It is so liberating and even a month ago I didn't even think I needed that liberation.
I still have a long way to go, but I have been in your shoes. I am just starting to surface from all of these false thoughts, but already I'm feeling so wonderful about myself - and I had thought I felt wonderful about myself a month ago, but it was all just a facade to others and to myself. Please give yourself some breathing room. Just try it out - what have you got to lose? Give yourself a predetermined amount of time to not think about dating. Try it for a month. Make a point of calling up some friends and having a girls night out. Have a spa day with your girls. Get a new hair do. At the end of the month see where you are at, step back and re-examine things. You may see things differently than how you are seeing them now.
I really agree with this post and could not say anything better than this!!!!!!!!!!
Cath, of course you are divorced in your heart. But for now my opinion is that you should focus on getting the divorce done and on yourself. Find yourself. Find a lot of friends and build a fantastic social net of people to do stuff and people to call. THEN dating is great. Because you will be picky and not needy. You will be able to say no to a jerk or someone who doesn't match. You will not look at every move of a guy under a microscope and take everything personally and be needy. You will have a great life and a recipe for success.
I think you can work on a list of what you want and don't want for the next time. Think about how you got with your exh - and make sure you don't end up with someone similar.
Just this weekend I was at an athletic event with my friends. We were standing in a long line forever and I met the nicest guy. We chatted and hit it off. BUT BUT BUT - isn't there always a but? BUT he lives 2 hours away. And he actually had the audicity to ask me to drive to where he lives to go on a ride. The old me would have thought about it because I was so hungry for attention and a date.
BUT the new me says no way. I don't want to drive like that for a relationship. Don't want to move from here. And I sure don't want to turn my social life upside down to get up that early and drive that far for a guy. He has to be HERE and inviting me to do something fun to impress me that is good for me. Not just in his best interest. It has taken me a long time to learn what indicates good genuine interest "he is that into you" intentions versus "he just wants sex and what is easy for him" intentions.
I have worked hard on my social life and my activities so I do not depend on my son for entertainment - although me and my son have a great time together. And now I feel picky. I don't want someone to derail what I have - I want them to add to it. And I want them to cherish me for me and for my strengths. And I believe that when you set this goal then you will meet it.
I hope this helps. And that you stay and enjoy our board and the ladies here. Lostbee4 did a great job at using her own story and experience to explain why it is best to wait a bit. She was so kind to type all of that.
And maybe more women will chime in. You should read the stories posted here from momoftwins.
Edited 7/17/2006 4:14 pm ET by cath0704