Hi, new here and looking for advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Hi, new here and looking for advice
8
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 5:39pm

Hi everyone. I just found your board today and am looking forwards to hearing your opinion on my situation.

My Ex and I split up two years ago, he just walked out. I found out later on it was for another woman. Our divorce has been final for over a year. I have two wonderful daughters, 5 and 3 and they are the light of my life. I've dated quite a bit these past two years. Had a couple of short term relationships and even been hurt once or twice. I have a great life including my job, friends and family. I've spent a lot of time talking to a counselor and feel that I am as healed from my divorce as anyone in my situation could be. Not to say I don't think my ex is an idiot, 'cause he is. But I'm just not angry about his idiocy any more.

I know that I have a lot to offer someone and my history has been filled with finding "diamonds in the rough" and then spending my time, energy and money to "shine them up". I have learned to avoid that type of guy. I've also learned that there aren't a lot of really good catches out there. At least not where I live in So Cal.

So here's my dilemna....I met the man I'm now dating about two months ago. He is kind, thoughtful and considerate. He's intelligent, educated and has a great career. He's a divorced single dad who is wonderful with his kids. He listens to what I say, is supportive and remembers the little things. He has a great relationship with his family, good friendships and lots of interests. He's a great cook and can fix just about anything. He's financially stable, makes a good income and has no debt. He's complimentary without being sappy and knows when to give me my space. He is fabulous with my kids and they really like him. He is also very talented in the bedroom :-).

Ok, I know you are all wondering what the problem is right? Here it is...I'm not attracted to him. There is nothing wrong with his looks, but he's just not my type physically. Now that doesn't mean that we don't have a physical connection, because it is there. I just don't feel all googley-eyed when I see him and my heart doesn't skip a beat when I hear from him. I really like being with him, we get along great and have so many things in common, including the big things, like politics, religion and child-rearing. But when I'm with him, I find myself obsessing about thinking that he's not cute.

He is a wonderful guy and I have never met someone of such waulity. He has all the traits that I've been looking for in a partner, there's just this one little hiccup. Do you all think I'm crazy? I want desperatley to feel passion for him, but I don't right now. Is this something that can grow. I know that the key to all successful relationships are trust, respect and honor and I know that "lust" fades, love doesn't. But shouldn't there at least be "lust" in the beginning? Or have I been watching too many Hollywood movies? I know that in 20 years, no man will be "cute" anymore.

What do you all think? Should I wait and see? If so how long? Should I thank my lucky stars that I have him and not worry about it?

Please advise. Thanks

--Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 10:38pm

You do have to have a physical attraction and some chemistry. It doesn't have to be a lot of chemistry - but the chemistry has to be there - or it is not a romance - it is a friendship.

You can give it more time - see what happens. But sooner or later you will have to make the call to fish or cut bait. Usually this happens when the other person, who has strong romantic feelings, begins to push ahead and act on those. And then you will either feel the same way or you will jump ship and be turned off.

Whatever happens, we are here for you. Don't feel bad if you are not attracted - but do give it some time to see. I do know of a few good relationships that started this way. Maybe you just need to enjoy and activity together that means a lot to both of you.

Keep us posted! Welcome to our board -we hope you stick around to participate in our conversations. I am sure the others here will have good things to add, too.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 1:26pm

WElCOME!


Hi. I think what Judy says, would be fair to both. Have you maybe considered exactly WHAT it is that isn't attracting you? could it be that you just don't believe that something could happen? that you might be drawn to the jerks and that a really nice guy could mean being in a happy and healthy relationship? I am starting to analyze these thoughts in my own dating world right now. I have been single for 5 years and doing exactly what you were doing for most of them. That of course also resulted to being burned a few times. I have this idea that I REALLY want a relationship, but as soon as someone stable comes by, I just can't deal with the situation and make excuses for not having the CHEMISTRY. Why? Because maybe I am not trusting enough to think it could work or maybe, deep, deep down, I think I don't deserve to be happy and therefore must punish myself by being with losers.


For instance: I have seen this one guy a few times and I have NO ,absolutely NO chemistry with this guy. He is just unattractive and just totally not my type and somewhat dull. HOWEVER, he is a wonderful Dad, extremely stable and just an all around perfect partner to have. He really likes me, but I just CAN'T do it! I cannot force myself to have another one on one date with guy. It is so sad, but it is how it is.


Try to figure out what exactly bothers you? Maybe seek a councellor to figure your pattern out and how to get out of it. Just having said that, I realize that I have yet to do that for myself; not taking my own advice. However, I am realizing what I am doing and trying to get passsed it. I just may be a little to shallow to just stick with a guy that I find unattractive but has a

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 9:12pm

Melissa,


Welcome to the board, sorry I didn't reply earlier!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 12:17am

Thanks for your responses ladies. Why can't this whole dating thing be easier? Why can't we feel the same exhiliration towards the nice guys that we do for the bad boys. It makes no sense to me, we really, really WANT to be treated like a queen and then when we are...it still doesn't make us completely happy.

I can't help but wonder if our generation has spent so much time trying to achieve and be competitive in all aspects of our life, that we've become so wrapped up in the competitive nature of trying to "win" by changing the bad boy that we find no thrill in things going well and having a man treat us well. I know that I take much more joy in something that I've worked really hard on that something handed to me. Does that translate to our love lives, too?

How do you stop obsessing about whether this is "the one" and just enjoy the moment in the moment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 1:18am

I can totally related to it. After I got burned badly by the relationship with this bad boy, I got to realize that People don't change. I don't know how many times I tried to break up with him. But when I went out on dates with other guys, only thing I could think of was Him and how much fun we had. And I was right back into that misery. It's been a while after that breakup, I'm still obsessing about that relationship sometimes, trying to shake it off... There won't be dating for a while until I get my head straight.
Lust only lasts so far. And if that last too long (like my past relationship), it's impossible to build a relationship.

Appreciate what this nice guy can offer. Keep it slow and see how it goes with him. Have some time alone to yourself away from him. Sometimes, you can't see what you've had until you step away from it.
But don't lose him quick cuz you don't feel that feeling. Love comes in so many different ways.

It's so tough. Why can't there be a nice-bad guy? :-)
Good luck and hope to hear how it goes.

Kay-

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 8:02am

Do you two have an activity you both really enjoy?

The reason I ask this is because a friend that was just set up with a guy said the same thing as you - yes - this guy is really nice. But the way he ate just turned her off and she did not feel any chemistry with him. Her friend that set her up said that the reason she set them up is because they both enjoy the outdoors so much. So instead of going out to all these stuffy restaurants on these stuffy dates, they went kayaking.

And that did the trick. My friend JUST LOVES being outdoors and so does he. They had so much fun kayaking that she got a spark. Then he took her to New Zealand and they really fell head over heels in love with each other.

Now they are happily married and she has a baby.

So don't give up - you just need a good activity together. Maybe one that lets both of you let your hair down. I think the whole dating routine can be tiresome and sometimes you just need time to see who someone really is all about.

I think the major trouble with the nice guy is the sex appeal factor. But if you give it a chance you can develop that in time. It is the guys with the major sex appeal that are bad boys that are only temporary and so bad for us over time.

Hope this helps. If you just don't develop chemistry don't feel bad. I had that happen once with a long time friend who would be perfect for me on paper. But the more he pushed for me the more I got turned off. Now we are really different people so I can see it would never have worked (I am a fitness buff and he is really out of shape and likes to eat all night and smoke cigars.)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:36am
Actually we have many shared interests and I always have a good time with him. The only thing is that he's not my type as far as looks go. It sounds horrible shallow to say, so please don't think I'm an awful person. He's very "Irish" looking. Reddish hair (when his head is not shaved) and freckles. It's just never been my thing. I have never been attracted to those looks. It's just a personal preference thing I guess. You either view someone as good-looking or you don't. Is it possible to be attracted to someone's insides and not their outsides? I guess I'm just hoping that it will eventually not matter to me. And I'm willing to try anything to make that happen. He is truly the best guy I have ever dated and I don't want to screw up and really regret it later.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:46am
LOL! Send him over to me! I just love Irish redheads! LOL. Just kidding. I totally know what you mean. 96% of all the men I date have brown hair. 2% blond, 1% black and 1% grey. And I have never dated a redhead. LOL