high expectations?
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| Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:59pm |
Hello All,
I'm a newbie so first let me tell you my situation. I'm the 31 yr. old mom of a beautiful little almost 3 yr. old little boy. His father and I split a yr. 1/2 ago (divorce not yet final) and is in jail. While he didn't commit a horrible crime he does need help and is finally getting it through counseling and treatment. Otherwise he is a good Dad and wants to be part of our son's life. He realizes our relationship is over but we are still friends (we were together for 11 yrs. dating & marriage). So....I'm trying to get by on my own w/o any child support and while I have a great job its not enough to make ends meet so I am also using my savings. Needless to say money is tight and I don't get much time alone.
Here's my dilema (thanks to those of you still reading!) I met this great guy through friends and we started seeing eachother (just as friends) 6 months ago. I guess things developed into more b/c we couldn't help but talk daily and hang out alot. As of a few weeks ago we became an actual couple (although we haven't slept together yet) and I'm pretty happy. He's a great guy in so many ways, has met my son (who adores him), loves kids in general and is very open to listening about what I need, he wants the whole marriage and family deal too. Most of all I trust him and that's a HUGE step for me. The downfalls are #1 there's limited physical chemistry (for me) but yet I'm anxious to see him and always have a good time #2 I'm just not sure if I'm settling into a relationship too soon? Is someone else out there? I don't really have time to go out and meet anyone.
Not having him in my life would be disapointing so I'm wondering if I'm making a big deal about nothing. I've made so many poor choices in men that I'm scared to make another and maybe lose out on a really great guy. Yet I miss feeling butterflies and passion. I haven't dated since I was 19 and I just don't know what's more important anymore? I feel like I want it all and that's totally unreasonable based on where I am in life.
HELP!!

I think that no one should ever settle for a butterfly-passion-less existence. However, I don't know you, and am wondering if maybe because you were friends first, that's why you're not feeling major sparks.
If you aren't attracted, you aren't attracted, but sometimes it can grow.
Would there be any way to keep him in your life as a friend, without a romantic relationship? Maybe that's all you're ready for at this point.
I'm sure everyone else will chime in, too. Please stick around!
Moody, who would consider being friends for now
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I think that you are still going through the phase of adjusting your life after the separation from your exh. It sounds as though it is a little scary - and I don't blame you for being scared a bit because of money and stuff like that.
So, I think this guy is more of a comfort and friend - someone you need right now. Maybe you want to keep that in mind and try to find a way to stabilize on your own - maybe it will be to find a way to earn a little more money or maybe your exh will be able to pay child support soon?
It might be better to try not to spend so much time with him and to develop your social life a little. I think all of that would put you in a better frame of mind to decide.
I do think that passion can develop over time - but there also comes a time to say it is not there and won't be there. So this you will have to decide for yourself.
Hope this helps. I wish you all the best and welcome you to stay here and participate in all of our posts.
I usually just like to read what is happening on this board, but I can't help but respond to your post. I had my son when I was in my early 20s. His father broke my heart and from then on I was bound and determined to meet someone and give my son a father. Needless to say, I married someone who was a good friend and someone I thought would be "safe." Fast forward 7 years (and 2 more kids), our marriage fell apart. He was just as passive about putting work into our marriage as he was passive about putting work into our sex-life.
It sounds more like friendship to me, but , I don't know you! I would just hate to think of someone else wasting their time like I did. I should have taken the time to realize I didn't need a man to feel safe. Be careful with YOU, whatever you decide.
Hi
I think the physical chemistry is very important. And I am not entirely sure that this is something that can come with time. But this is only based on my own experience. And, also from personal experience, I do not think that we are ever truly happy if we settle for someone because he is a good man, a good dad, or that we like him because he is kind, thoughtful etc. These, of course, are very important qualities, but without the passion, the relationship will not be totally fulfilling. And you may always be wondering whether there is someone out there who could fulfil all your needs and wants.
Although it may be tempting to think that maybe you don't need the chemistry because the other great qualities make up for that, you could be deluding yourself. After all, you want a lover, not a room-mate.
If you feel you're settling, then you probably are. This guy sounds like he is a great friend to you, and a genuinely lovely person. But it takes more than that to make a relationship last. You don't have to settle for anything but the best, no matter what stage in life you are at. I think it is wonderful that you "want it all" - this is absolutely what you should be striving for because you deserve nothing less!
How would he take it if you told him you definitely wanted him in your life, but as a friend?
Clem xx
First off thanks to all who repsonded! Every bit of input helps :-)
To answer your question Clem ~ he says he would be ok with it as we actually discussed just being friends when I was still unsure of even being ready for a relationship. Honestly I know I need to put myself first but I would feel so bad breaking his heart. Not that I'm egotistic but he's said before how he thinks I'm "the type of person he could fall in love with and want to marry one day". Maybe I'm not even allowing for any passion because I'm so focused on where things are going?
Guess I need to realize that there's no ring on my finger and that if someone better comes along.....well so be it.
Does he seem like he's physically attracted to you? 6 months seems like a long time to date without the man trying to make some serious moves.
My SO is my best friend and after being together for over 2 years, he still can't keep his hands off of me. I need to be desired that way.
Do you enjoy kissing him? If the answer is 'no', then I would think you need to keep looking.