His email question

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
His email question
55
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 12:59pm

So I wrote a very direct email to him, basicly stating It has to be 100 percent done with her, no phone calls, or I'm out.


His email response this morning:


I WILL do what you require. I will have to wait until the next time she contacts me. That may be some time before she does. Until then, do you want to put our plans on hold until that time
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 8:58pm
"I dont know how you are taking this. You should not have to struggle this way. It is always one after the other. Now it is Broom Hilda tomorrow it will be something else. Point is, he doesnt "get it".

Do you hear me whispering"dump him, Pac""


Yesterday it was the drinking... the day before was Broom Hilda... day before was him punching a hole in the wall... day before was him putting his friends above her... day before that was the drinking... day before that was not making her a priority... day before that was his daughter... day before that was inviting his friends out on "their" weekend together... day before that was...


Shall I continue?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 9:56pm
Oh Pac I am shamefully late getting caught up on these threads but I really feel for you right now so even though I havent posted until now I still am because I just wish I could give you a giant hug....I know everyone else feels exactly the same way...
I truly truly feel as if BE somehow in some way just doesnt believe he deserves to be with you. I know that sounds strange considering you know he loves you and I do believe your gut on that fact. He just seems to be throwing needless obstacles in your (plural) way or flat our refusing to deal with issues that would keep any relationship from moving forward. The fact is that if you truly feel you deserve to be happy and feel loved you dont do these destructive things constantly sabotaging steps forward and hurting the people who care about you the most. I wonder if you ( like me in the past) have realizations where you understand that you are more in love with what potential the two of you might have if things just unblocked on his part and allowed for what is just an organic but forward motion. I too have had these feelings with exes that couldnt quite get their sh@@ together but I just KNEW they loved me even so and it made it so hard to decide whether to end things or plug away. I held on a few years with one of them in particular thinking that love would conquer all and I can only say now in hindsight that I invested way too much in this person hoping against hope he would at some point man up enough to at least meet me half way. But I am not Carrie and he is not Mr Big. LOL I broke up with him and never saw him meet me half way or try to until I met SYB and fell in love with him. He promptly tried to show me he had changed his ways to sway my heart and actually PROPOSED only to have me tell him it was too little too late and that I hoped sincerely that losing me would spark positive change in his life but that I was gone. I only tell you this because I worry the same will happen to you and I remember the heartache of it all. If you walk away be prepared for his eventual reappearance. I remember when I broke up with that ex my father told me two things which stuck and I have mentioned one of them before. The first was that no man that deserved me would let me walk out the door, close, walk down the street, and move on rather than run right after me. And the second was that although he understood that I was mourning the loss of it all and feeling angry and wronged I needed to make time to figure out what I would do and say when he came back because even though the first sentence about him not deserving me if he let me walk was true, it was also a fact that he would be back and wanting more. And what would I do then? Having a plan for what to do then helped me because I had thought it through, knew he would be back, and had made me peace in my heart about it. I dont think I would have though ahead like this if it hadnt have been for my Dad reminding me that based on HIM knowing how valuable I was he saw this as an inevitable - I was so busy wondering what it was about me that just wasnt enough for him to just freaking change his ways already.
I wanted so bad for this to all work out for you but what everyone says about it not needing to be such a struggle is true. I feel like life hands you struggles enough that then effect your relationships and your well being - when the relationships have struggles inside the people already, then what if life piles on even further? You can only withstand so much and you deserve someone strong and stable and READY to deal with everything life brings the two of you over time. DD deserves that stable grounded dynamic duo that you can eventually form with some lucky guy so that whatever life hands her she knows you are ready and armed to help her as well.
He is a fool for messing things up with you - but you know what makes him an even bigger fool? I think he knows it already but just cant bring himself to stop it. There is an impulse control problem here with the drinking, the enabling, the FWB ego stroking, and the destructive testing that he does with you. My knowledge of impulse control issues are that even one of those can morph into another and then they practically have babies and multiply like bad rabbits. Soon there are addictions, co-dependant relationships, enabled family members, on and off again friendships and relationships, the list goes on - all strewn across every room in your house. You start setting boundaries to control the mayhem and are labeled the dictator like he did in your email. You put out one fire but embers are still burning and he blows on them by just walking past them to get to the back door. Please be careful about this because it worries me about your heart and well being and your beautiful buoyant spirit that we have all grown to love on here.
He knows he is an idiot for risking you. If you in your heart of heart have asked yourself whether YOU might be an idiot for staying at this point then be the smart one, the stable one, the one who knows what they are worth and what they deserve and step out of this. UNtil you do, the good person for you doesnt know to be summoned. I really really believe this to be true for everyone!
BIG HUGS coming your way....
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 10:11pm

ITA citylife- especially this part:


He is a fool for messing things up with you - but you know what makes him an even bigger fool? I think he knows it already but just cant bring himself to stop it. There is an impulse control problem here with the drinking, the enabling, the FWB ego stroking, and the destructive testing that he does with you. My knowledge of impulse control issues are that even one of those can morph into another and then they practically have babies and multiply like bad rabbits. Soon there are addictions, co-dependant relationships, enabled family members, on and off again friendships and relationships, the list goes on - all strewn across every room in your house. You start setting boundaries to control the mayhem and are labeled the dictator like he did in your email. You put out one fire but embers are still burning and he blows on them by just walking past them to get to the back door. Please be careful about this because it worries me about your heart and well being and your beautiful buoyant spirit that we have all grown to love on here.


I think that hits the nail on the head.


((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to Pacific~

~shrimpy


It's never too late to live happily ever after, and always be grateful for those who make our souls blossom.

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 10:23pm

yes yes - I agree.

Very well written, Citylife!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 11:27pm

Wow, CityLife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 11:49pm

YES thats sarcastic (unless he always speaks that way? w/ the "suggest" part) AND thats bull that he has no way to contact her. Puuuuuuuulllllllleeeeeeeezzzzzzzzz!


Your response was perfect.

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Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 11:52pm

"I always feel like I'm fighting him on something." - forever in a relationship feeling

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 11:55pm

Ouch. Im ouching, for Pac Sun. It hurts ME to see it there in B&W. Shoot, i totaly forgot about some of the other big stuff, especially the daughter crap.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 9:41am
How are you doing today, PacSun? We are checking up on you!! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 10:09am

Wow City!

Rosecolouredspecs