his kid won't learn how to drive

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
his kid won't learn how to drive
15
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 2:17pm
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Edited 3/15/2007 11:52 am ET by fivesense

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 2:37pm

I think each kid is an individual and it just depends. While 19 might seem old enough and mature enough to most of us (I learned at 15 and was driving to my own job at 16.), maybe there is something real that his dad (your SO) views as him not being ready - or maybe he views it as a sad thing that his kid is really growing up? Maybe it is also a matter of expense for the car, insurance, gas?

If I was you I would put more emphasis on not being the all-the-time chaffeur, not just on the birthday - because that could be viewed as a selfish judgement of his parenting. And indeed you don't want to be the chauffeur of someone else's child - that is not fair to you since you have your own special needs child to take care of.

Perhaps you may want to encourage them by stating the benefits of driving - it will help his self esteem and slowly foster responsibility and independence?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 3:33pm
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Edited 3/15/2007 11:53 am ET by fivesense
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 3:59pm

To be honest with you, I think you need to respect your SO and the way he decides to manage his children. I think your own issue of having a disabled child is causing you to have resentment because you do work so hard and it does seem easy when a child is normal. But each parent does have the right to say what is and isn't right for their kids and to parent the way they see fit. How would you feel if he said you shouldn't home school your child when you know it is the best thing for him and you are seeing dramatic results.

I can agree if you don't want to give rides. But I cannot agree that you should judge WHEN that happens or to say it is when he turns 19. I think you have to let them work it out.

To be on the positive side, I always love a parent that cares and goes out of their way to nurture a child - and if he is this way with his own he will be more understanding and accepting of your situation. So you could look at it like a good thing. The other good thing is that giving the kid a ride nurtures your relationship with that kid - and if he is 19, those days are numbered.

This is just my very honest and caring opinion - I hope it doesn't make you mad. But you have been here a long time and I love your posts and want to give you my very honest opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 4:07pm

I just thought of something. Would it be fun to take a family outing on the bus - like to the city to see the sites? Maybe that would help them see the bus is more fun? I know it is scary when you have never done it before, or that some seem to think it is bogus - the dad does take the train - that is how you met so I can't imagine that.

I love taking the bus - once I learned that skill in Europe I could not stay off it - also when I go to NYC I love the bus and subway.

Anyway, I think part of this too might be that you two have talked that you would not get married or combine houses until his kids are out of the house - does this frustrate you that you feel there is no end to having his kids around? Just a thought......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 4:58pm

I do understand the kid's anxiety about riding the bus. Even at my age, buses make me anxious. If I have to take a new route, I want someone to go with me for the first time. I'm not that way with trains, just buses.

My SO has made comments about teaching his son to ride the bus, but it comes down to the fact that his son doesn't want to ride the bus and he would rather quit his job than take the bus. He absolutely will not do what he doesn't want to do.

I absolutely would not combine households under these circumstances. I know I will not find a better man than my SO, but I see no end to the adult child living at home and I'm not dedicating 5 to 7 years of my life to dating one person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 5:06pm
I'm not mad, but I haven't posted the whole story. I'm not off base with this one. I've been in the trenches for a while with this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 5:12pm

I didn't want to learn how to drive. I was forced by my parents at 16 so I could drive my younger brother around. yuck.

However, I would stop driving him around. If he wants to do things where he will need to drive, he will learn to drive or hitch a ride. I'd say at 19, unless he has a disability, it is no longer the responsibility of the adults in the house to cart him around, cold or not!

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 7:04pm

I can see where you are in a pickle - it is hard to combine households with kids and the one you are describing just doesn't sound good for all - you need something stable for you and your son and he needs endless patience for kids who are not on their own. There is no easy answer.

Kids these days do stay longer at home. I have 2 friends who are my former babysitters - they are 23 and 26 and they both still live at home. But they do help their parents a LOT with a LOT of stuff and they help with the bills - it is a good situation for all involved.

I am sure you will make the best answer for you. Have you been talking to him about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:22pm

Just popping and and read your post - I hope it's okay if I put in my $0.02.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 10:11pm

Of course we want you to pop in and post your .02 - you are welcome any time.

I did find a link to the step mom board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstepmother

Very good stuff - thanks for helping us!

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