his kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
his kids
7
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 7:57pm

Not quite a truly dating question/situation but I’d like other single parent’s take on two things.
When your BF asks your opinion on an issue with one of his kids, how do you respond?
M calls me today and says “I want to run something by you and see what you think. I’ve got an issue with D11.” Which I respond with my usual, “I’ve got no place getting in the middle with you and your kids. You are the one who has to live with the consequences. I can tell you what I’d do if it were one of my kids, but it might not be appropriate for you.” I think he is taking this as being somewhat non supportive on my part, but I’ve consistently told him our parenting of our kids is our own thing- I don’t want him telling me how to raise mine, I won’t tell him how to raise his. But he keeps asking and then not too thrilled with my way of doing things. Maybe he asks now to figure out what not to do! LOL
Anyway, it turns out D11 is leaving for a school trip tomorrow. Everyone (M, his X, and D11) is aware of this, have known for some time now, and it’s her first away from home without her family ever. So this afternoon, (it’s M’s weekend) D11 asks M if she can go to her mom’s to pack for the trip. He’s like OK, so how much time do you need? She responds that she wants to go to mom’s for the rest of the night and tomorrow, both are supposed to be his days and it will be the X’s time when she comes back, so he won’t see her for over a week if he says yes. So he says no, you can go to pack but I expect you back here tonight so I can spend time with you before you leave. I ask, why can’t she pack from the stuff she has at your house, he answers, she wants stuff from her mom’s; me again- why doesn’t she ask mom to gather those things and you can take her there to pick it up- that’s what the X and I do in similar situations, he tried that too and got a vague excuse, then a Dad, I can’t pack as fast as you do, then a pouty fit. I suspect that his X just wants to be the one who has the time with D11 before she leaves and has convinced D11 that she should want this too. D11 has taken on the protector role where her mom is concerned. So, when your kid has waited to the last minute to deal with a trip they were perfectly aware was coming up would you let the kid go to the other parent’s and not see them til it’s “your turn” again, ask other parent to pack for them, or tell the kid to pack from what he/she has at your house?

QB, the evil mom who told S15 he'd have to do without his ski goggles when he left them at dad's and we couldn't get in touch with dad to get them

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 8:57pm

I think it's good that you tell him you're not going to get in the middle of it.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 9:35pm

I agree with you and your advice. I also agree with what you write about how you both raise your kids the way you want and he has to live with his consequences.

If he seems to take exception to your advice more than a few times maybe you can turn to more of a supporting role rather than adviser that is not appreciated?

It sounds to me like he needs to get on the phone and talk to his exw to see what is going on?

I would probably allow her to visit with mom and pack - but have to come home that night and stick to visitation as he says.

I think we do walk a fine line, though, in teaching them to be more responsible but at the same time being understanding that our divorced situation causes them a lot of stress and not adding to that stress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 10:52pm

Thanks for the response. M actually did voice the idea that D11 just wanted some mom time, but he got concerned when D11 was so insistant about being with mom all evening until she goes tomorrow, the kid is close to dad, too. If his X wasn't notorious for using the girls to manipulate him, I'd leave it at that.

He just called and as I suspected, after he took D11 shopping for some things and got dinner she was less adament about it, and then he talked to the X, who went ballistic when he wouldn't agree to have BOTH girls go to her house today and tomorrow. So he talked to the girls and they decided to go to mom's to get D11 ready, D14 wants to help her pack and is letting her borrow some cool clothes, then M is picking them up tomorrow morning and taking them to school, then D14 will come to his house as usual after school. He's comfortable with it, the girls are happy, and I was able to just say "so glad it all worked out".

I'm used to boys, my DD is only 3, and she is very different from her brothers. Boys couldn't care less being with either parent- they always wanted us to disappear ASAP when we took them to camp or to school to get on the bus for a sleep away event.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 11:05pm

"I think we do walk a fine line, though, in teaching them to be more responsible but at the same time being understanding that our divorced situation causes them a lot of stress and not adding to that stress."
So true. They didn't choose to have a divorce, they just have to live with the consequences.

As it turned out, M's X was just being clingy and wanted the girls with her before D11 went on her first big trip. M negotiated that mine field well, and has let the girls go to mom's, after they had dinner with him, so they can be together and do all their girly stuff. Then he's picking them up tomorrow morning and taking them to school. D14 goes back to the regular schedule Mon after school.

My schedule for D3 was supposed to change drastically last week when she turned 3. The X refuses to do it, but since our previous schedule works for her I'm not going to fight about it. But it does leave me open to his spontaneous changes and all the chaos that causes for everyone. We've agreed verbally to a schedule that is a blend of the old and the new, I put it in writing, but as yet, he hasn't given me a response that it is what we will be doing. I just want to know what to expect so I can plan for my time when she is with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 4:48am

Ive never dated anyone with kids (& i have to be honest, that was one of the big draws TO Carlos for me, if i dont ever have to deal with X wives & step-kids, I will be happy! lol) but i think your responses to him are great. AND, it sounds like last nite worked out well for all involved.


I hope everything goes well with D3 for you ... R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 5:44pm

If it were my kid, I'd call the other parent and ask him to pack, and the kid would be happy with whatever she got, and whatever she had at my house.

Also, as a mother, I can't imagine not helping my child pack BEFORE going to Dad's house, so this wouldn't even be an issue. But, that's me, I guess.

Moody, ready to pack both of her kids' stuff up!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:03am
Totally agree. S15 has had a jazz trip coming up this Thurs, he'll be at his dad's so we've already discussed what he may need from the stuff he has at my house. He knows I won't be here after Wed night so if he forgets something there's no way he can get it. But M and his X both seem to be last minute people. M thinks I was harsh not getting my son new goggles when he left his at his dad's in spite of knowing we were going to be going skiing. But the kid now thinks ahead and plans for these things. I figure, since M and I have different styles as parents, we'll just have to stay out of one another's role as a parent unless asked for advice.