His Kids and Mine
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| Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:51pm |
I have been dating a guy with two kids as I have two of my own. Demographics: His - Son 8 & Daughter 6 - Mine - Sons 10 & 7
How do you try to mesh the kids together when they all don't get along. His 6 year old daughter and my 10 year old son just don't really get along. First she is a spoiled brat and is used to getting everything she wants and if not she will through and absolute temper tantrum and scream at everyone. My son has anger issues and just yells and constantly complains about her. I try to keep them seperated as much as possible when we are all together on the weekends and at night when I watch his kids while he is at work. Any ideas on how to make this work? He only has his kids during the summer and one night a week during the school year.


It sounds like you really have your hands full with this set!!
The question you ask is indeed a very serious one. There has been much published on the topic of "blended families" and "step parenting" - which sort of covers your situation. Blended families are often the cause of 2nd marriage failures - the stats are sort of scary - like 80% the first year. So you are smart to ask this and hopefully not take it lightly.
I think the best bet is for the parents to set clear boundaries and expectations. You and your BF have to be on the same page with discipline - both for rewards for good behavior and for the consequences of ill behavior. The children have to have boundaries and rules.
Does your BF see the issue with his daughter? It is hard for him to really do anything about it since he sees them so infrequently. That is sad. I can understand how he would not want to do anything he considers negative since he would not want to ruin his time spent with them. And his kids are probably behaving like that because they crave attention. I would imagine your boy is doing the same thing.
My solution, given your situation, would be to keep the kids more separate until you are sure you know where the relationship is going and you sort out your parenting philosphies. It sounds like he needs to find a way to spend more time with his own children or to get a sitter or someone in his family to pitch in when he works? And the kids need more "my parent time" on the weekends.
I think this is one more sign he is not ready for a relationship the way you are - it sounds like he and his kids have not settled in that well to the new routine of parents being apart. That is not easy for sure.
I am sure the others will pitch in with their thoughts as well. I just responded to your other post - welcome to our board!
Hi there and welcome! This is a hard, hard thing to do, but not impossible. I think since your son is quite a lot older than his daughter, he's probably just acting out because he doesn't want a "little" girl tagging along or copying him, which I know from firsthand experience little girls are wont to do. I also know little girls can feel left out when surrounded by boys, especially if all of the boys are older than she is.
Add to that the fact that you're not her mother, and she's bound to test the boudaries. How do the kids behave when he's around? Is it any better? Worse? She's probably looking for attention, and I have found since my own daughter is SO high maintenance, that if the only attention I give her is good attention, she behaves much better. I have to remind myself sometimes, lots of times, actually, that she's behaving perfectly normally, but it's hard to deal with. I can see her acting exactly like this if I ever dated a guy with children, and she felt left out.
Keep at it, and hopefully your guy is on board and has the same parenting syle you do. That will make things much easier for everyone involved. Since your son is older, hopefully you can simply tell him he needs to get along with these kids. If being best friends won't ever happen, tolerating and respecting them can and should.
Good luck, and keep us posted!
Moody
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How are you doing with your situation? Have you talked to your bf?
I did find this article on dating a single dad and thought it might be helpful to you and the rest of our board.
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_8_54/ai_54851883
I thought I had posted something this morning.... At least I typed it - our weekend experience. It had it moments.... Saturday his daughter was absolutely horrible!!! She was in her let's break them up mode. But BF stands by me thank God for that! (My kids went to their G-ma's after 6pm mass Saturday)
Sunday she was back to being nice.
BF calls her evil at times and she was definitely that on Saturday. She got in my face and it took everything out of me not to spank her. That is totally unexceptable behavior for my children.
But thanks for the article I have printed it and plan to read it today. Otherwise I am hanging in there as best I can. I refuse to let her win!!! I was tempted to tell BF let's have a baby and it better be a girl just so she won't be the only girl in the family. But that was a stupid thought - neither of us want any more children!!! We are done making babies!!! YEAH!!!
Well she will get her time with her daddy all next week when they go to their family reunion in CA. But then she will also have her G-ma and Aunt there to baby her as well.... Then it is back to her mom's for school to start!!! Overall I think we will survive....well except for the other issue I am having... see my other thread... but who knows my insecurities could be stemming from all the pressures.