His Parent's Do Not Approve of Me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
His Parent's Do Not Approve of Me!
6
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 8:33pm

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this board. I am in the process of a divorce. The divorce is final this May. I have two young children from this divorce. Natalie, 2 and Tyler 9 months. This is my story:

I know everyone on this board is probably a single mother so you've probably heard all this before. You know, my husband left when my youngest was just 8 weeks old. I guess he just couldn't deal with all of it. The bottom line is he left me for someone at work, a single mom too. He probably started going to her because he was having problems with me and the realities of having a new baby on the way. You know the rest...blah, blah, blah right?

I have another problem. I started dating this guy. Didn't think too much of him but you know, we started hanging out, talking and stuff like that. After 3 months of dating, I have fallen for this guy. Not perfect but someone I could live with. With all this said, he knows that I have two young kids. He actually likes my kids and doesn't mind being with us when I have them. He is 37 years old, never been married and has no kids. Here is the problem. His parents hate me! They told him to break up with me or else! There are consequences, very serious ones. This is serious! Yes, he is 37 has his own job and has his own place but yet his parents oh yeah and his younger sister is telling him who to date. They don't know me, all they see is my 2 kids. I am stuck here. I really like this guy. My heart is really with him and I know he cares for me but he is also torn between what his parents think of me. I've asked him to ask his parents to give me a chance he said they probably wouldn't because of my two kids. Isn't that not fair? I don't want to live that kind of life where his parents are always going to be mean to me for only one reason...because I already have two kids. But then again, I love this man and don't want to be without him. My heart is also torn. Has anyone been through something like this? I need some advice!

Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 9:05pm

Hi Vanessa,

And welcome to our board. You will receive some good advice here I am sure.

The only experience I have with inlaws is my divorce. And so my advice goes - take your time with this and see how it all plays out. See what your BF does.

Sometimes the harder you try, the more something flees. You have had a lot of things happen very fast in your life. You have not really given yourself time to get over the divorce and establish yourself as a single mom. And then this all happened very fast. Plus you have 2 very young children. So this is a difficult time in your life to say the least.

There is nothing you can do about the way they feel - but maybe in time if they see that you two are stable and their son is happy you can have a chance with them. I would just go slow and see. But if your BF is all of a sudden not that into you and wants to side with his parents then you have to forget this and move on. I think everything really hinders on what he can do with them - if he can tell them he doesn't care they might get over it. And really, after coming from my experience where my inlaws were the ruin of my marriage I can tell you that you are better off to find out about this now. My exh was more into pleasing his parents than his wife and family. I could fill a book with the stories. And I know I won't go there again.

HUGS to you - sorry you have all of this pain. You will have better days ahead. I hope you stay here and participate in our discussions - you will learn a lot and feel a sense of understanding here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 10:14pm

You've got a lot of factors at play - young baby, divorce not quite final, not being separated all that long, and the fact you've only been dating this man a few months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 10:16pm

Vanessa,


Hi and welcome!


Unfortunately, there's not much you can do here, the onus is on your bf to settle this.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 12:30pm
Thank you for your post! I really appreciate your advice. It really means a lot to me to have support outside of family and friends. It's different for a change. I've been getting a lot of advice from family and friends but it's nice to hear advice from really people who have been through similar experiences! I'm glad I found this board!
Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 3:48pm

Hi, Vanessa, and welcome to the board!

I haven't yet read what everyone else has posted, and I know they give great advice, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

The first thing that jumps to my mind is what does he really want? You say he doesn't mind being with you, you say you love him, you say his parents already hate you... but you never really mention his feelings.

I guess I've got the opinion that this is his decision. You can help him make it, and not with an ultimatum, because I'm of the opinion that they rarely work, and aren't really good for anyone, but just by examining your own feelings. Do you want to be with a man who has to decide between you and his family at his age?

This isn't Romeo and Juliet, and you aren't star crossed lovers. Love is not the cure all for life. Sometimes, it simply isn't enough. This might be one of those times. I have no idea, as I'm not you. Or him.

I simply know that a man whose family couldn't accept and come to love my children wouldn't be for me, as my children make me who I am. You can't love me without loving them.


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Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 9:34pm

I haven't read anyone elses post to you and this may come off harsh. Sorry in advance.

But this is the glaring thing that tells me you need to think about this situation and I quote from your post.

"I have another problem. I started dating this guy. Didn't think too much of him but you know, we started hanging out, talking and stuff like that. After 3 months of dating, I have fallen for this guy. Not perfect but someone I could live with."

You may be setting yourself up for some hard times.

He isn't someone perfect for you. Granted I have some stuff that with time have become things I can live with in guy's I have dated, but I have never thought long term about someone that sent red flags all over the place to me.

This may be why I'm still single and looking. As my great grand Parents(who were married of 60+ yrs) once told me, you have got to be able to not only LOVE the one you are married to, but like them and thier family.

My same GGP's also said you need to think in terms of someone you couldn't live without, sometimes best freinds make the best partners.

Good luck and I hope you find the answers you need and deserve.

Jer-someone who just hasn't met the right Live without