Hmmm, red flag, don't know..........???

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Hmmm, red flag, don't know..........???
11
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 5:56pm
Today, my High School sweetheart of 4,5 yrs contacted me, that he was separating from his wife, because they just seem to clash for years and nothing is working and he just can't seem to forget about me and he heard I was coming back to Texas and it would kill him if he knew I was in the same city and he couldn't see me. He said, his marriage has been over for years and they have just doing the steps and he just can't get over us never having gotten married as we were going to, until I met Scott (Alex's Dad). He said, he knows I am visiting and he doesn't want to shock me, but he does want to try to give it a go again to see if maybe we did miss something or not, if I could think about us again. To start off my emailing for the next 3 months and then meeting up in San Antonio for lunch, or a day, or dinner or something fun. To see if their is still something between us. I told him, that I don't want to be the person to seem like I was ruining the marriage and he said, it was nothing like that, but when he saw me again 3 yrs ago and everytime he does see me, all the feelings he's had for me come back and he still really loves me and he just needs to finally figure out if their is still something their or not. I think he has this idea of what I was like in High School, but I have grown up into someone totally different, but he just feels that it's still right between us. He asked if it would be ok to just email and see what happens and go with the flow........
Hmmm, what should I do? Do I just give it a shot or do I just shoot it down? He knows I won't be coming back until the Spring 2006, so maybe by then things have patched up again for him and his wife. It sounds like a red flag to me, but I told him I am not interested in any sort of games, or going behind anyone's back, etc. That he would have to be separated completely for me to even consider, but I am open to at least seeing him for lunch or coffee when I am in Texas. Is this wrong or what?

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 6:03pm
Almost forgot, when I was living in San Francisco, he came up to see me and asked me to marry him and I told him no, I was marrying Scott (which never happened), but 2 months later he married his wife. I initially broke up with Patrick because he cheated on me while he was in the military and I was still in High School waiting for him. I forgave him, but started looking elsewhere when I met Scott. Then he came back to me and I told him to get lost, that I was dating Scott. 4 yrs later, when Scott was out to sea, he came to San Francisco to ask if he could just visit because he had a class in the area. I said yes and that is when he popped the question. I sent him home heartbroken, but was shocked about the news that he got married on the blitz with this woman. When I showed up in San Antonio a few years later he was so angry that I wasn't married. He threw a fit. His brother had to remind him that he was married. What a mess that was and it's been that way everytime we have seen one another.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 6:23pm

This sounds like EXACTLY the same thing that happened to me after I was divorced. Except he was single and I was the one getting divorced.

This guy John was a friend to me since 5th grade. Our dads worked together and did volunteer work together. He is a lawyer, never been married, no kids. He would be perfect on paper.

And like you, I was involved with him and left him to marry my now exh.

The reason I left John to marry the exh is that I just didn't love him or have chemistry with him and I was attracted to my exh more at the time (HORRORS to think of that now!! LOL!!). John and I were together romantically such a short time even though we were friends for a long time before that.

It is sad because I lost a friendship over it. I would be friends now with John now but he still has romantic feelings for me. I have tried spending some time with him to see if I would get feelings for him because he is such a nice guy. But this is to no avail. We have really grown apart.

The only red flag I see is that your friend is still married. I would tell him you are NOT AT ALL comfortable with emailing for months to see if "maybe there is still something there" while he is still married. All of this would only be a distraction to you for all you have to do now in your life.

I would say that if he is indeed divorced by the time you get to San Antonio then by all means you will be available for a drink.

Guys are so dumb sometimes. They think of these things on a whim. I can tell you from my dating experiencs, as I am sure you already know, that it takes a lot for someone to actually say they want a divorce and then to carry through with it. The man will only do that for an extreme reason because men tend to just keep things status quo.

My guess is that if you left him for Scott there was a reason - probably physical/chemistry. And like you said, you have totally changed.

I think you should stay strong on your own until Mr. Right shows up with the right intentions and the right situation. Don't get side tracked now. But that is just my two cents worth - that won't even buy you a cup of coffee in Texas ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 9:01pm
When I read your first post I thought was a red flag that he was just separating from his wife and is talking about a relationship with you... I was thinking here's a guy who's afraid to be alone and is looking anywhere for another person to cling to. After reading your second post, I think he's been wanting to be with you all these years and nothing changed when he got married. You are right that if you get together it won't be the same as when you were younger and he does not see that. I think seeing him when you visit is fine - as a friend only - and tell him dating will not even be an option until after you've moved back and he's been divorced a while. Any discussion about a potential relationship should be cut off if he brings it up as off limits. In all likelihood, he has too many unrealistic expectations for a relationship to work, and as west said, there is some reason you aren't with him to begin with.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 3:42am

Well, he was my big love and I was his, but then we were separated in High School for almost two years and I was the (almost) faithful girlfriend (in the summer I had my summer flings, but only kisssing) and I found out not only that he cheated on me, but was having a relationship with this woman, while I was semi-waiting on his butt. I often think that it was sooo many years ago, and we were both very young back then and very immature, but I was very angry with him for actually having a relationship with someone else in California, so I dropped him and left him for Scott. Patrick has now been married 12 years. He has two girls, an almost 6yr old and a 3 yr old.
Like you Judy, Patrick was my best friend. I still consider him to be my close friend. As for anything else, I don't know, it's been so many years and when I saw him 3yrs ago and his wife was about to have her baby. He was sitting in my sisters garden(I am extremely close to his entire family and patrick with ours, especially my mom) with a beer, talking to my mom and he said to us both. "I won't give up the idea, that Catherine and I will be old and gray together rocking on some rocking chairs holding hands and sipping leomonaide." I was thinking "Dude, your wife is having a baby and this is what you can think of?" I was really upset at the time, but him now writing me, I don't know. One one side I think of it now and say, ok, this guy is a loser, but on the other hand I think, ok, this guy still see's me in his life´, no matter what the circumstances, can't seem to forget what we once were, which was VERY HAPPY. Then he joined the damn Marine Corp and everything went downhill after that. He once wrote in bootcamp, "I think I chose the Corp over you, and he was right he did." I still have that letter. That is where it all ended.

We've alway gotten together for a beer when I am in town. No big deal, but suddenly, it seems like it is one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 9:18am

If he married for the completely wrong reasons, I can see where he would be talking like that even when his wife was about to have a child and talking to you about a relationship even though his marriage is just ending. I did that. I married for the wrong reasons (not hastily, but still wrong) and I existed in a loveless marriage for 9 years. When I left my marriage there were no feelings there. My ex's feelings revolved around fear of being along and financially responsbile for himself, not about love. He wasn't losing a wife, he was losing a security blanket. I wasn't losing a husband, I was losing a teenager.

I suppose it is possible that he made a mistake back then not choosing you and has regretted it this entire time. It's also possible that you will get togther and things will be great. But there are still those red flags so don't ignore them, and be clear that relationship discussions are not okay until he's divorced. He's got a lot on his plate to deal with a divorce and custody for 2 children, and he really should be focused on that right now.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 12:13pm
Agree, i can't even see him leaving his wife and kids. I can't. It doesn't seem like him to do that. To much guilty feelings on his plate, etc. I'm not sure what he's doing right now, but I am going to make it clear he has way to much other things to concentrate about and that I should be the last, because I am truly the riskiest and most likely a never going to be anymore.
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Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 2:08pm

No matter what his feelings were, his intentions are not right. He needs to get divorced from his wife before persuing anything else. I don't care if he's ALWAYS loved only you, he needs to be honorable to the vows he took with his wife, and if they are truly talking divorce, he has to complete that cycle.

What I see is that he's trying to set up his next move before ending the last play, you know? Of course he wants to see you and see if things are a go, and only THEN will he go through with the divorce- if you refuse him, he'll stay with his wife, because it's easier than being alone.

If you want to meet him, fine- but TELL HIM FIRST that you're not meeting with him to see if there's a connection there, you're meeting with an old friend for a coffee. If he tries to talk about you and him, or tries to get physical end the meeting. You said it yourself, you don't want to feel or be percieved as the reason that he left his wife. If he's serious about being with you, then he'll do what is needed to get there- step one is divorce, not just separation.

I know it's flattering to get all this attention, but follow your gut, not your heart on this one. The guy is remembering what life was like with you years ago, when you were both young and immature, and didn't have the responsibilies of an adult. Now you are older, you both have kids, and a lot of things have changed. You're going to be setting up a lot of new things in your life, and will need time to adjust, not be innundated with marriage proposals from someone you don't REALLY know...

Good luck,

Alison

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Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:17am

I wouldn't be too friendly with him until he is divorced. I dated someone when I was separated from my husband and it was an ugly situation. I was dealing with lawyers, court dates, child support, debt allocation, asset division..... It was not a good time to be dating.

This guy probably has some good intentions towards you (if he is actually leaving the wife). But, you could get hurt as the divorce process unfolds. It's better to have the rule that you won't date someone who is married or legally separated...only truly single men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:24am

I would

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:13am
Your totally right. I just can't even imagine as seeing him as anything else then just a friend that he became and I still don't want the reason of a separation or anything to have to do with me. That is just messed up. He should do it for his own thing and not put my name into the picture. The more I think of the situation, the more I see him putting it on someone elses shoulders. I am just going to lie low for a little while. I mean he just contacts me out of the BLUE, so maybe he's just in a phase that I don't need to be sparking with hope, because I don't know who he is and I don't really want to at this point. He needs to chill out, get his head sorted, squared away or whatever it is he needs to do and then we'll see. By then their is aaaaaaaaaaaaaa LOT of what under the bridge.

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