Holy crap, what have I done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Holy crap, what have I done?
4
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:30am

First, I feel badly that I am posting when I have a problem. I lurk everyday but rarely contribute anything. I am sorry but I need help from the extremely intelligent ladies on this board.

Warning-BOOK!!!!!

Now the problem:
Our history- My bf and I have been together for 2 years and 3 months. When we moved in together, we had been friends for several months. We both needed to move from our respective residences and decided that since we were always hanging out together we would get a place together. He was great with my daughter, too. One month after we moved in together, we decided we really liked each other and have been together ever since.

Over the course of our relationship, we have had major issues and it stems from my BF and I being on such different levels in life. I have been married, divorced, have a 7 year old dd, moved across the county, lived on my own, and put myself through college. (I grew up in an abusive household and learned to depend on myself a lot) By they way, I'm 25.

I broke up with him yesterday and told him that he needed to move out and have his own life and only then would he know what I need him to know. Very vague, I know but it's so hard to explain. I can give him individual tasks or concerns but explaining different levels is HARD. I still love him but I truely feel that I have become his crutch. He is 25 also but we all know that guys are like 5 years behind. I am his first true adult relationship. He lived at home, then with his aunt and uncle and then with me. Plus, he is the oldest boy in a mexican family so he didn't lift a finger for the most part. I feel like I have to teach him how to be an adult. Financially, career, etc. He has a love of stuff when I am more frugal. Example: He graduated from college this past December and waited until now to begin looking for a "real" job. In so many ways, this is fine-BUT, when I graduated a year before, I had a job 2 days after I graduated because I knew I had no one to depend on but myself. He didn't start looking b/c he knows he can depend on me. He is working 2 jobs b/c the more professional job (which he HATES) doesn't pay enough for him to live so he works a second. It's not that he doesn't make enough money, it's that he not working smart. Love your job but it doesn't pay so well-that's OK. Don't like your job but it pays well enough to live and allow you to get to another level-that's ok too! But he was neither. All it did was take time and energy away from us. I was left paying a lot of the expenses, 1/2 or more of the house chores, and raising my daughter. I would be fine helping more financially if some other burdens were lifted, instead I just feel taken advantage of.

In his defense, he has matured so much over the course of our relationship. He does help with my dd and he is looking for a new job but I've had to prod instead of it being a natural progression. I've always thought that if he were 5 years older, it would be ideal. He would have the life experiences to make some decisions natural. I realize that I have to accept what it is, not what it could be. I really do on the most part. I have talked until I am blue in the face and he just doesn't get it. I have a degree in Communications so I know how to talk to people. I'll lay it out for him to understand but it's too literal sometimes. It's more a state of mind that needs to change instead of individual actions.

We decided this morning that we love each other and we want to make our relationship work. He would get his own place and we would take a step back. I felt great with this decision until I toldy my dd tonight that he moved out. She started bawling and I didn't expect it at all. Looking back, it's a big duh moment but she mostly treated him with indfference or occasionally jealously over me. I thought she would be bummed but overall OK. She told me she wanted him to stay with us and that she would miss him. It's very hard for her to admit this b/c she feels guilty caring about another father figure. (FYI: Her dad is a large part of her life and it is overall a great dad.) The fact that she verbalized this was a huge shock to me. She missed him enough to say it and for a 7 year old (just turned 3 weeks ago) that's alot.

Now I know she'll be fine. Children are very resiliant and blah, blah, blah. Here is the background to why I'm freaking out. I grew up in a very unstable household. I remember my mother dating different guys and while I'm fine with it as an adult, I STILL remember all of them. I swore I would give my daughter stability. I have already divorced her father, and we live across the county from any other family but my ex. My BF is our family and we our his. I swore I wouldn't move in with random guys and get her attached until I was at least engaged again. I did not want this to happen.

So, what do I do now? This is what I keep thinking-I love him, dd loves him, he loves us. The fact that dd loves him is not everything but it means so much. BF was tearing up talking about not seeing dd and he wanted us to be together to tell her. All of a sudden, the issues that I have with him don't seem as big. But is this b/c I miss him and am used to being with him or is it b/c I'm really ready to look past his imperfections and help him grow into the man he is becoming?

He spoke to his mom about this today and she told him she completely agreed with my decision. She said she suspected that I had been provided most of the support (in everyway, not just $) and he did need to grow up. He admitted to me that he did take the easy way out b/c he knew I would help him and that he regrets it now. He also said that this is a relationship and it takes work and he wants to work on it. He did not want to move out or break up.

Should he get his own place or should we try to work it out? What type of stability does this offer my dd??????????? If he moves out and then moves back in eventually (years maybe), she'll have to learn to live with him all over again. What if we go though all this and decide not to be together? Then she's get's used to him not living with us but still seeing him sometimes, to he's out of our life. I know she'll have different relationships with different people throughout her life but I feel that I need to be her constant and provide the consistantcy as much as possible. Her dad is in the military (and is moving at the end of the year) so I HAVE to be her rock.

I really, really hope I've made sense. ;-)

I love him and he loves me so it makes the decisions much harder. If I didn't feel anything for him, then I would be done. To be brutally honest, I know his feelings are stronger than mine, though. I would much rather take this a day at a time but I feel that I dont' have that luxury b/c of dd. In some ways, I feel like I'm asking too much. He's never had the experiences I've had...how could he know? On the other hand, I have a kid and my own life, figure it out it if you want to be with me.

It's OK if nobody has any advice but I knew that you ladies would have some if anybody did.

Thank you!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:38am

Wow, lots to think about.

I usually just lurk here but I thought I'd take a stab at this one. This is a case where I'd be writing down my list of pros and cons, and really looking at what I don't want/can't stand and what I can compromise on.

I know that the financial issues would really bug me. While I'm okay with helping someone out for a short while, I totally understand your frustration with feeling taken advantage of.

It's too bad that you're basically left with having to wait for him to "grow up"... and that might take several months, or it might take years. Or for some men, they just never do (not just men, some women don't either). So in that light, I think it's best that he move out. I think it's best that he is forced to try to make it on his own, to see if he can land on his own two feet and get going without all the support coming from friends and family. If he can get himself to a point where he CAN do it on his own, he would find that VERY affirming and motivating- and it would help him develop grown-up skills! So by asking him to move out, I don't think you're being selfish or mean. I think it is helping him in the best way- and hopefully he can find success. At least you've seen that he is CAPABLE of growing up, since you've seen him mature during the time you've been dating. ;-) But you'd much rather be someone who isn't enabling him to be dependent when he is fully capable of being on his own.

Hugs about your dd crying about him leaving!!! I think that is the scariest part about moving in with someone without sure plans to get married (or being married already)- because it's hard on the kids when things don't work out. I know- just being married is no guarantee- but to me, being married signifies a higher level of commitment than just dating, especially when there are kids involved. I think you're doing well in talking to your DD about what is going on. Lots of reassurance. I also think kids can be very resilient... but if/when it might be time to have him move back in one day... be aware that she might have some walls built up to the idea. I assume though- that even if he lives somewhere else, that you and he will still be dating? Just not living together anymore, right? So your dd might not REALLY be losing him if she will still see him around. That might make things go better for her.

I wish I had more to tell ya. But I think it really comes down to what you can or can't live with in a partner. And go by what is true NOW, not what you hope things can be later- because you can't depend on him to "grow up" into everything you need in an equal partner, until he just DOES. And know in your heart just how long/how much you're willing to wait in seeing how he matures. You can't keep being his parental figure if you're wanting him to be an equal partner.

Best of luck,

~shrimpy (usually posting on the DASP board- and wondering just what is the difference between these 2 boards except that single Dads can post on the other one?)

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:52am
Well, Hi, Jennifer, and don't apologize for having a problem, we all do!
My opinion, and I've actually been where you are almost exactly, I'm even the same age, is that you need to decide first for YOU if this relationship is what you want. If it is, then you need to decide if it's good for your daughter.
It seems like she's your first priority, and she should be, but I think as mothers, we sometimes lose ourselves for the sake of our children, and that doesn't really help them any. You need to be happy in order to be her rock. You also need to be stable, yes, but there's no point in being a miserable rock when you can be a happy one.
As far as whether or not your BF should move out now, I think that's something you and he need to decide. Trust me, I truly do know how hard this is. In my situation, there were other factors at work, and it wasn't just the money or the fact that I felt like the only "adult" half the time, but for a while, we tried staying together and working on it while living together.
It didn't work for us, but like I said, there were other factors at work, and eventually I realized I just didn't love him the way you should love someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with. That's not to say your BF should move out, I actually don't know what to tell you.
Sorry I'm not much more help, hopefully some of the other ladies will be more insightful than I've been. Good luck to you, and keep us posted!
Tina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 7:16pm

Hi Shrimps and welcome to this board!! How fun to have you visit!! To answer, these boards are similar except this one is more for women and seems to have more of slant for dating questions rather than parenting talk. Not sure why - they just have evolved that way.

Jenway, I agree with Shrimps - the only thing I would add is that you have had a lot of resentment over time or you would not feel this way or be here.

I think that he has to move out and prove himself. That is my vote. Most men never change and what you see is what you get. You are young and can get through this. Don't settle because of a comfort zone thing. I have a feeling that you will be very happy and relieved when you do not have the everyday stress he has created in your life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:46pm

Jennifer,


Welcome to the board!


I just want to say that you really need to make this decision for you, based on what's best for you and what will make you happy.


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