Hope I am doing the right thing (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Hope I am doing the right thing (long)
25
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 3:46pm

I have been going back and forth here about I guy I have been with for a couple of months. Yes, I slept with him, and it was great, so it was worth it in that respect. He was the first person I had been with since my divorce, so it felt weird, but good.

Anyway...we had been going back and forth the last week or so about him coming out to my family beach house. He wanted to bring his son, and asked if my kids would be there, too. I said I wasn't sure, it was their weekend with their dad (hint, hint...actually, it isn't sure that dad will take them anyway, but I wasn't sure at that point). I thought about it some more and thought I would take my son, 16, but not my daughter, 13, for a variety of reasons.

Then the more I thought about it, I wasn't sure I wanted to do this at all. After all, I had a lot of questions about where this relationship was going, and I didn't think it was prudent to introduce someone into my kids lives who may not be there two weeks from now. Add in introducing his kid to my kid, it started to unnerve me last night, so I texted him, said I had some questions, he got back to me, and we talked today.

So this is what it boiled down to, where I need to know if I am doing the right thing...I asked him (and trust me, this was sooo painful for me to do, I do NOT do "feelings" well) where this "thing" is going, and I explained about the kids, and frankly, ME wanting to know. He doesn't consider me a girlfriend at this point, though doesn't rule out the possibility. He thinks I am really nice and loves sleeping with me. He thinks the distance is a problem (45 minute drive). I asked him if he was sleeping with other people (I mentioned I wanted to go on birth control, doctor suggested IUD, but only if no one is sleeping around), and he said no, but wouldn't guarantee monogamy...He said that he is being cautious because he doesn't want to get hurt, he wants to take things slow. He was very patient with me on the phone, asked if I had more questions, still said he wants to see me.

I said my biggest concern was for the kids, I really like him, I think they would, too, but that unless there is some kind of LT feeling, I don't want to get them involved. He seemed to feel that they should know I have men friends and what I do in the bedroom is non of their business. While I totally agree with that part, I don't agree with his assertion that kids need to learn that people come and go. Not my kids at this point in their lives.

I think it is time to move on. The vibe that I am getting is that I am a FWB. While I am not ready for a full on commitment, I also want to be someone's girlfriend. I want to be a priority. For goodness sake, this man is 47 and raising his kid on his own, do they ever stop this nonsense? I feel really sad, because I do enjoy the time I spend with him, and that sex is great, but I don't want that empty feeling that seems to be walking along side of the good feeling.

So, ladies, time to give me your wisdom...move on or take a big fat step back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 6:25pm

Moon has sworn me into the flip flop bust your butt club and I have a badge now so if you need me to I'll spank him with my thong.


Sounds like a story behind this one?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 6:33pm

See post below about Skankypants. I'm like a new cop with a gun now...trigger happy lol! Ready to give out a few good swats!!


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:08pm
I could use that help right now. All this does is make it harder to trust anyone again. I wish I were one of those cool old ladies you see who have never been married, but they are living a rockin' life. Except I get too lonely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:15pm

"Having those Talks are always scary, IMO..."

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH!!!!

I spent all morning trying to figure out how/what/when to say whatever. It's one of those things where you deep down think you know the answer, but you need to hear it to make it real. Otherwise, I have a tendency to "overlook" stuff that I shouldn't.

My therapist thinks like many of you...if I want the FWB, fine, whatever, but keep the kids out (she's very proud of me for keeping kids out). She thinks I should start dating other people (wasn't that I was committed, it was just easier to not look when someone else was around). She also thinks that wanting to meet kids without commitment shows lack of emotional intelligence, and that is a red flag.

What I feel is that, yeah, I could still see the guy. But how much longer would I have to see him before he would consider me a girlfriend? I don't really believe he would feel any stronger about me a month from now. Does that make any sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:25pm

I think that after a couple of months max if a guy does not want to be exclusive or bf/gf status..he is not going to at all. Guys know before that of they want to get serious with you..like within a month or so of dating. Being exclusive is really important to a lot of us and our esteem and security, although maybe some can pull off the casual thing without getting hurt. I would be really wary because you also have to consider STDs if the guy will not commit to only you.


So, I know its hard to let go of someone you've grown to really like, but he's likey not going to change on this. I would have to say NEXT of I was you....and move onto someone who wants a girlfriend in you. He's out there somewhere but you won't find him if this guy is taking up all your thought and energy. KWIM?


~Pacific~



Edited 8/19/2008 7:25 pm ET by pacific_sun
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:38pm

"What I feel is that, yeah, I could still see the guy. But how much longer would I have to see him before he would consider me a girlfriend? I don't really believe he would feel any stronger about me a month from now. Does that make any sense?"


Startover, it makes PLENTY of sense to me!! I've BTDT so many times, I can still taste it. I still remember those "relationships"... and I've had to look back and really try to see what was the problem that I kept finding myself in those. What I realized with myself was that I would give up my heart too quickly. Too eager to just BE in a relationship and I would do anything/everything to try to get there. Including having sex before even discussing whether we were in a relationship or committed or not- to try to catch his attention or make him want to keep me. (I'm not saying that is what you did- just that I saw that as something I kept doing.) And then I was "surprised" when the guy didn't reciprocate the feelings!! It's because I would get too wrapped up in what I wanted & where I wanted things to be, long before it's even had the TIME to develop naturally.


The ONLY thing I have to say in your guy's defense is that it's only been 2 months. It really is pretty early in the game for any serious commitments of any kind, IMO. So I'm not sure why he is okay with bringing kids along on a date-weekend. Unless he thinks he plans to just tell his kids that you're "just a friend" and nothing more (because he isn't committed to anything more permanent).


I'm not sure what he is thinking. But I still say... back off and see how things work out if you're still interested in letting things grow more slowly- but keep the kids out of everything in the meantime. Otherwise- let him go, if you don't think he is wanting the same things out of a relationship as you do. Set you both free to find someone who is more right for each other.


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:50pm

YES! I know exactly what you are saying. I do give my heart too quickly. I was so happy to be with someone who was doing all the things my ex wouldn't do: ask me how I felt about things and actually listen to the answer, congratulate me when some recent good things happened to me, help me when I had some concerns about my kids, heck, even ask me what I wanted to eat for dinner! The sex was a special add-on, because it was SO much better than anything I had with my ex. It seemed different, too, in that I wasn't pining away for him, wondering what he was doing every minute when he wasn't with me in that weird paranoid way I did when I was in my 20's.

But I do get mad at myself because I promised myself that when I got involved with someone I would take it slow and NOT put my heart into it. And look what happened! I did it anyway!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:54pm

Yeah, part of the talk was the "are you sleeping with anyone else" part. He says he is not, however, I didn't take that as "he won't".

When I was younger, I used to think I could make a guy like me, dammit. That is how I wound up with my ex. 18 years of marriage, and I don't think he ever really liked me at all. But I kept giving it that old college try!

So I totally hear what you are saying. If it isn't there now, it probably won't be there later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 10:49pm

I think moving on is the right thing. You have made yourself clear in your needs, and he has stated that he can't meet them. Waiting around for him, hoping that he changes his mind, is not going to move you closer to a relationship: it will move you further away.

The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 11:33pm

Thank you all for the support. It's nice to know that when you feel so alone and unsure (and who the heck wants to feel that at 44 years old!)there are other people willing to go out of their way to help you.

The ex has it so easy. He never even bothered to introduce his kids to his significant other until he ACTUALLY MOVED IN WITH HER. And six months later, my son has yet to meet her, and they just don't care if he does. And here I am freaking out about someone who WANTS to meet my kids. Though easy is what I want, too, it isn't going to make my kids healthy adults if a new person bails on them.