Hope I am doing the right thing (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Hope I am doing the right thing (long)
25
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 3:46pm

I have been going back and forth here about I guy I have been with for a couple of months. Yes, I slept with him, and it was great, so it was worth it in that respect. He was the first person I had been with since my divorce, so it felt weird, but good.

Anyway...we had been going back and forth the last week or so about him coming out to my family beach house. He wanted to bring his son, and asked if my kids would be there, too. I said I wasn't sure, it was their weekend with their dad (hint, hint...actually, it isn't sure that dad will take them anyway, but I wasn't sure at that point). I thought about it some more and thought I would take my son, 16, but not my daughter, 13, for a variety of reasons.

Then the more I thought about it, I wasn't sure I wanted to do this at all. After all, I had a lot of questions about where this relationship was going, and I didn't think it was prudent to introduce someone into my kids lives who may not be there two weeks from now. Add in introducing his kid to my kid, it started to unnerve me last night, so I texted him, said I had some questions, he got back to me, and we talked today.

So this is what it boiled down to, where I need to know if I am doing the right thing...I asked him (and trust me, this was sooo painful for me to do, I do NOT do "feelings" well) where this "thing" is going, and I explained about the kids, and frankly, ME wanting to know. He doesn't consider me a girlfriend at this point, though doesn't rule out the possibility. He thinks I am really nice and loves sleeping with me. He thinks the distance is a problem (45 minute drive). I asked him if he was sleeping with other people (I mentioned I wanted to go on birth control, doctor suggested IUD, but only if no one is sleeping around), and he said no, but wouldn't guarantee monogamy...He said that he is being cautious because he doesn't want to get hurt, he wants to take things slow. He was very patient with me on the phone, asked if I had more questions, still said he wants to see me.

I said my biggest concern was for the kids, I really like him, I think they would, too, but that unless there is some kind of LT feeling, I don't want to get them involved. He seemed to feel that they should know I have men friends and what I do in the bedroom is non of their business. While I totally agree with that part, I don't agree with his assertion that kids need to learn that people come and go. Not my kids at this point in their lives.

I think it is time to move on. The vibe that I am getting is that I am a FWB. While I am not ready for a full on commitment, I also want to be someone's girlfriend. I want to be a priority. For goodness sake, this man is 47 and raising his kid on his own, do they ever stop this nonsense? I feel really sad, because I do enjoy the time I spend with him, and that sex is great, but I don't want that empty feeling that seems to be walking along side of the good feeling.

So, ladies, time to give me your wisdom...move on or take a big fat step back?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 10:13pm

I hear what you are saying.. and i think it's healthy to think it thru and discussed it with fellow single dating moms like us.


I agree DON't include the children until you are exclusive and the guy has staying power in the relationship.


FWB is okay only IF your heart isn't involved. Not if you are secretly hoping the FWB will lead to something else. If that is the case, move on. Clearly, you sound as though you aren't looking for someone else while you are with this person, while he stated he isnt' interested in exclusivity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 7:18am
Can't do FWB. Just not my style. And, as I learned, painfully, with my marriage, you can't make anyone change their mind, or change for that matter. So hard because this guy kept making comments about not looking around anymore, saying something about the kids reaction to me being in a relationship with someone making me happy, and all the time he didn't seem to be interested in a commitment of any kind. Strange.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 9:58am

You are making the right decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:52pm

this guy kept making comments about not looking around anymore, saying something about the kids reaction to me being in a relationship with someone making me happy, and all the time he didn't seem to be interested in a commitment of any kind. Strange.


I think he's the kind who is not actively looking elsewhere...but won't commit because IF someone else falls in his lap he won't necessarily turn it away. KWIM? I think it is a way of thinking for some men, who are not at the stage where they want to commit. He is happy seeing you, sure, but is telling you that he won't promise that he won't see anyone else who shows up. To me, that is way to much of a flag and a risk for the heart. I coulnt go there. You deserve someone who is ready and looking for only one and who will commit to being exlusive.


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 7:41pm

I feel the exact same way. In all honesty, both of us are mid- to late- forties, have teenagers, both profess to loneliness, so it seems that thinking he has to "keep his options open" is kind of immature .

Not to say that I was asking for marriage...I am sooo not ready to go back there. But I kind of thought that the point of dating in our "advanced" age was looking for someone who can watch your back, support you in a rough patch, enjoy good times together, and since having kids and buying houses isn't an issue, rushing into marriage wasn't necessary.

So when I get the message that I am good for right now (my words, not his), how is that supposed to make me feel? Why would I continue in this situation. Especially when he used to tease me about how much squarer I am than I wish I was (true), so he KNEW I wasn't the FWB type!

Just thought of something funny. I first made contact with him on the internet on my first day of my summer vacation (I'm a teacher, so that was June). I finished with him on the last day of my summer vacation. A true summer romance if ever there was one!

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