How about some peace
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| Wed, 11-24-2004 - 2:07pm |
I think I am getting to the point I want no drama in my life. Is that possible to achieve? In early to mid-2002 the company I worked for went into the toilet. Job stress, not knowing what would happen, how I'd pay the bills, etc. Started a new job in May 2002, which was pretty much the same stressful job I had before, but with a new company. In fall 2002 I started getting symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis. May days I would wake up and feel like I've been in a car accident, certain joints would not bend, feet swollen, jaw swollen, hands swollen, lots of pain. Started taking lots of drugs. Huge life adjustment. Early 2003 I realized I needed out of my marriage. June 2003 was officially diagnosed with RA and asked for a divorce. September 2003 we sold the house and I moved into an apartment and my 4 year old dd started spending every other week with me, EOW with her dad. Big life adjustment. November 2003 met bf and things were normal for a while. May 2004 changed jobs to a less stressful one, positive life adjustment. July 2004 moved again, not physically or emotionally prepared for the strain of moving myself (didn't let bf help because I needed to prove I could do it on my own, which I did). It took months to make any progress unpacking. So now I finally am settled, I feel comfortable in my home, I like my life, my job, most everything.
Then my mom comes to visit. Does not like my bf. Is following me around my house being critical of me after saying one reason she didn't like bf is he was critical of me. Then I talk to bf last night and he's thinking of moving out of state again to be near his son. I know he wanted to do that before, and we broke up because he said he was moving and we both knew I could not move with him. There are so many reasons moving is a really bad idea, but it's not my decision! AHHHH! I understand if he wants to move, but then what the heck is he doing getting more involved in my life if he's just going to leave? But do you know what I think? I think my mom should go home (she will, 6 more days left) and bf should make a decision and stick with it (which I know is hard because losing contact with your child is one of the worst things that can happen to a parent). I am fully aware the relationship with my bf may not work out and I have a fully formed Plan B. Plan B is me continuing to work on my finances and saving money so I can buy a house the summer before dd starts 1st grade (fall 2006). That gives me plenty of time to make sure I know which town I want to live in so I can move only one more time and thats all. I don't need to have someone else in my life, I do quite well on my own. There are all kinds of reasons I want the relationship with bf to work out, but if it doesn't then it doesn't. Plan B is a bright future for me and dd too.
But with my mom critizing me and bf relapsing into indecision and depression over his custody situation, I think I just want everyone else to go away and leave me alone. I can't think like this! I have another week until my next therapy session so venting here is just going to have to do.
In case you aren't following along, refer to these previous posts:
BF met parents, didn't go well
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=7580.1&ctx=0
SO sleeping over
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=7529.1&ctx=128


maybe your in the week before the week of your period. However, it is a valid case to feel blue. Especially on and before the Holidays. Maybe you should tell him that you would like to know where in all of this your included. Then you might be able to make a better judgement. I would also offer your mother to pack. LOL. Yet, family is important, even tho strenous. I tell myself their are worse parents and I can be happy for the crazy/conservative/old school(I don't mind old school, but not in the context of the way they think)/ mother and father. I love them, but don't necessarily like them. Yeah know? The criticism sucks. Have a good Turkey Day. Watcha gonna do?
Hi
Ok, the yeast infection might add to your blues but yeah, you're dealing with alot. Having mom come visit this time of year, is usually stressful anyway. Add to it, she's criticizing you, your parenting, your choice of men. Yup, enough there to be miserable. Then you have that same bf announcing now he may move out of state.
It's hard to deal with all these things at once but I do believe in that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Your plan b sounds logical and smart and YES your mom will go home soon. Try to hang in there. Know that life is never 100% free of problems but you can decide how you let things affect you. I think you will be okay.
Big hugs
Tara
I think you're doing a fine job so far. You have two things in your life that you can not control...your mother and your boyfriend. You can only accept them for who they are and control the amount of influence they have in your life. You are in charge of everything else. You're plan B sounds like a great plan. Why not make this Plan A? Stop waiting for BF to figure out his life and switch your focus to achieving your goals and becoming a fully independent and self sufficient person. You can always add the boyfriend back into the picture when you're both in a good place and ready to give it a good try.
As for mom, mom is just mom. It sounds like she is and always has been who she is and there's not alot you can do about it. You'll just have to learn to take what you can from her that is beneficial to you and leave the rest behind.
I think you're in a very good place right now. You're questioning and discovering your priorities. Don't doubt your instincts. Good luck!
Thank you. I call it my Plan B, but really I don't have to choose between Plan A or Plan B at this point. I have gotten my life together and I handle everything in it myself, I don't depend on my bf to do anything for me, I make my own decisions, plan for my own future with just me and dd. The point I will have to choose is when dd is approaching first grade, because at that point I want to buy a house no matter where it is. If bf is out of the picture, then it will pretty much be right where I am now. If bf is in the picture, then he's either going to have to marry me or get out of the picture (I will only move to his area if we are going to marry, and once I buy a house and start dd in public school, I will not be as willing to move). I kind of think things will resolve themselves before then, which will be in 2006. Plan A is named so because having things work with my bf is my first choice of a plan. I do like Plan B and I will be happy if that is what is meant to be.
I do feel much better now than I did the other day. My mom feels bad for how things went. I haven't had the chance to talk to my bf about his moving, but that will come. This board really is the best.