how to break the insecurities... long
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| Mon, 08-21-2006 - 6:31pm |
So I met Mr. Right-for-me, he has/is everything a single mom would want in a guy or atleast everything I want/need in a guy. But there is a small catch. He thinks I'm too pretty for a guy like him. He calls himself "fugly" and why would a girl as pretty as me want someone fugly like him?
Well I completely disagree on the fugly part but he wont listen. Ofcourse I tell him this, attempting to sink it in. Well it helped on his part that he was an eight hour drive away. Great excuse to not take me out and let me prove that I find him completely compatible. That one slowly dwindled down to nothing. I couldn't convince him. So reluctantly I started my search again.
Well as unbelieveable as it sounds. I found another Mr. Right-for-me only 45 minutes away. Once again everything I want/need in a guy. Well after a week of talkin on the phone and convincing him that yes indeed I actually wanted to go out with him. He has the same mental illness of the first. Thinks I'm too pretty for a guy as fugly as him. Once again, I don't find him fugly at all.
So he took me out. We had an awesome time. Couldn't have hit it off better if it'd been in some romance novel. But he's still worried that I couldn't actually want him. Or that since I'm so "pretty" I'ld be more likely to cheat on him. All his past gf's were overweight, had self-esteem problems and were really in need of a babysitter of a bf. Well I'm differrent. I take care of myself, I take care of my child, I don't have any nasty habits. I'm not even on anti-depressents. So he's sure I'm way too good for him.
I'm sure he's exactly what I want. We have the same goals in life. We have so much in common it's great. I know he likes me, it was completely obvious we really hit it off.
It's just getting him over this complex that since I don't have alot of problems, that I'm a strong woman over all, that I couldn't possibly want and need him.
How do I convince him that I think he's perfect. I've told him that. All the reasons why he fits the profile of what I want/need.
I don't mind tellin him, I'm all for boosting my man's self-image and makin him feel good. But how long will it take for it to really sink in? Will it ever really sink in?

You can't fix him. Only he can fix himself.
I think you have to find a relationship where a guy is totally into you and convinced without a doubt that you are the one for him and he is ready and good for you.
Otherwise you beat your head against the wall.
It doesn't matter how much YOU feel connected to him and how he is the one for you - because you only fill up half the love seat. It matters that HE is feeling the same way. It has to be mutual - and you can only control your half.
I would suggest that you don't get too attached in the beginnning because dating in general tends to be flaky at best. Just hold back a little and wait and see if the person you are dating really is as they appear at first and really into you with very little convincing on your part.
Sorry you have to go through this twice. But if you can find two you like then you can find one more who will feel the same way about you.
For now I would chill and let this guy find his way - either he convinces himself you are the one and moves forward or you forget about him. Don't try to convince, cajole, beg or go out of your way - just let the pieces fall where they may.
HOpe this helps you somehow - welcome to our board. You sound like a nice person.
Everything West said. :-)
Also, it may be a coincidence but is there a pattern to the men you date? It's interesting that you found two in a row that are basically the same. Are the men in your past relationships extremely insecure too, just maybe about something else?
I know that after my dd's dad, I went in the complete oppisite direction. From no back-bone or real ambition to VERY ambitious and a wall around him. Now, I've found a happy middle.
This may not apply to you at all but I thought I'd throw it out there.
Jennifer
I have a question that is SORT OF along these same lines: There have been two guys I have been very, very interested in and they have shown all the the signs of being interested in me, (I even went online and did searches on how to know if someone is interested in you...it's been soooo long for me doing this dating thing) but, for whatever reason, they are too intimidated, shy, whatever, to ask me out. The first guy, I was totally smitten with. We were both in the exact same situation, both went through very bitter divorces at the exact same time, it was incredible the similarites. He was flirting (not overtly, but definitely sending signals) and I did all I could to send signals back. I think he was actually getting really close to asking me out, but his situation changed and his ex wife was fighting him in court over visitation rights and stuff, so maybe eventually he would have. I don't see him around anymore unfortunately.
The second guy, I am not as crazy as I was for the first guy....there is not as much chemistry, but I have told myself to stop being so picky and quit wishing for the last guy. This new guy also is recently divorced. His story is kind of interesting in that he used to be rather overweight (I didn't know him then, this is what everyone is telling me) and he has lost a lot. People tell me he could be on the TV show "The Biggest Loser". So, now, he is absolutely gorgeous, he is a very good-looking man. It has kind of gone to his head a bit. But, he is also very, very sweet and nice. He is enjoying all the attention the ladies give him, but, here is my question...he acts kind of different around me. He is polite and we talk a bit, but he acts kind of shy-er around me. I try to be as friendly everyone else is. I don't know what I am doing wrong....he asks the other gals to go out for drinks (as a group,some with their boyfriends) or to hang out, the entire rest of the building, but not me. He does hang around me a lot though, he just doesn't ask me to "hang out". There was one incident where a few of us were joking around about needing to have some "happy juice" to get through our day etc., and he put his arm on me and said something about me being one of those quiet ones that can really be a surprise once she starts having fun. I think part of the problem is some of the ladies (I work with all females and there is TONS of gossip) have probably told him their ideas of me out of jealousy and to keep him from being interested in me. In fact I know that to be true, because the day he said that to me about being a surprise once I start having fun, a girl I worked with (she has since been fired lol) said something to me about "You know, we spend a lot of time talking about you..." Anyway, I really don't know what more to do to let him know that I would be interested in getting to know him more, or maybe going out with him, without anyone at work knowing about it. And, is there any way to help guys not be so intimidated by asking you out? I am new to dating and I know people are going to tell me to just ask him out myself...but, I am just not ready to do that yet, maybe somewhere down the line when I have more confidence.
There are several big problems here.
As far as dating goes.. I've tried just about every type of guy I can find that under certain standards...
They have to be wanting long-term, family eventually, not just playing the field...
They have to see my kido as a piece of me, not just baggage or someone to buy over or step around...
They have to actually support themselves, not live off of mom, aunt or uncle sam...
They have to be able to make me laugh, first impressions are big to me, if I don't feel comfortable with them first off then I'll say no to a second date. I'm really big on going on gut instinct...
Religion, values, goals, interests, mental stability, etc are all on the list...
I'm being really picky this time around, I've learned alot having gone through one marriage and alot of dating
Believe me around here these criteria seem to be in short supply, it's almost impossible to fit anyone to the profile in my age group atleast, I've even tried dating "older" men but have never felt a connection with them.
So these two guys, being within 8yrs of me were like diamonds in the bed of coals so to speak. Well guy number one has started talking to me again. Turns out he misses me. We got into the discussion of what happend. Cause even if things dont work out, I like to know why, so if it's somethin I'm doin I can take it as advice. I like learnin from my mistakes and I don't like assumming things.
The conversation was good, but it basically boiled down to, he's far away, can't give me the attention he thought that I would need in order to not be looking elsewhere. Sadly his most serious relationship left him because he wasn't "good enough" for her parents and she followed their wishes. Which has left a really big impact on him that it's true. Some people really carry these things long after they should. But then some people(myself included) are way to able to keep ourselves detached. So a balance seems needed.
So guy two... We had a very down to earth, how we're feeling convo.. yes guys can have these convos too. The ones alittle more sensitive, if you do it right will open up lol
So anyways, he said basically the same thing. He's afraid I'll need more attention then what he can give me in order for me to not be wondering. His last wife cheated on him which has left a pretty big insecurity on his part.
So I assured him, that even if I am young, I'm not his average girl and didn't need a babysitter. Just to be on the same page. Date and have fun when he did have time and phone calls and chat inbetween would be all I need. It's not like I'm wanting to dive into anything too deep, just to get to know a normal guy that meets the standards.
These guys see me as strong and confident. The women who they've dated in the past were always the clingy type. Needed a babysitter. It has nothing to do with them lacking anywhere. I've grown alot in my own self-confidence since I got a divorce. I use to be one of those clingy type of girls they looked for.
So anyways.. We'll just take it a day at a time, phone call at a time, date when we both have spare time. But now he knows foresure I'm not just looking for attention but a good guy oh isn't just playin the field and doens't want games.