How can I fix this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
How can I fix this??
5
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 3:16pm
My 14 dd & I are really close- I know she tells me more than most anybody else. I've been with my bf for a year now & she's not happy but not too bad until the other day. She was gone for the weekend so he came over to stay without her knowing it. I thought we'd cleaned everything out but after she got home she dicovered his toothbrush. Was she ever mad!
First of all, she accused me of hiding something from her, but also said she doesn't like the idea of us sleeping together.
Her dad left when she was 3 & though she sees him now & then, is not at all close. She & I have always been a team & She's never had to share me or seen me be involved physically with anybody before BF. She doesn't liked seeing us kiss,but tolerated that, but was really upset about this.
I was so proud when she dumped her 1st(!) bf a month ago because he was pushing her too hard physically ( he's lucky I didn't come after him with a baseball bat after I found out why she left him)but now I've set a pretty lousy example!! How can I dig out of this. He hasn't been over since then & I'll do what ever I need to to try to amend this so I won't be setting a bad example for her.
Here I've been trying to prepare her over the years to go slow & she seems to understand & agree that she will not be pushed to do something- hopefully she'll wait til she's an adult. Do you think I'm now saying practice what I preach not what I do? Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 6:48pm

Hi there and welcome to our board.

You ask a very good question.

I think you have to explain that you are the adult and she cannot question your authority or your wisdom. She has a right not to like your bf - but she does not have a right to be disrepectful to you or to him. You are the parent and not her friend or sister.

You will have to be more careful the next time - you are setting an example.

I think you should talk about the reasons to not rush into things - have a big discussion focused on that - here are some reasons I gave to another poster here:
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BUT I could give you a few reasons I would want to try to wait at this point. Of course you have my blessing no matter what you do. And we are always here for you.

- If you wait then you have the first time to look forward to longer
- If you wait then you can develop your friendship more and develop more activities to do together. You know that once you have sex then the relationship takes a turn to become only about that if it is too new.
- If you wait you can have a stronger relationship that is going to handle the emotional attachment you will feel after you have sex - I think this is a biggie. Sex will propel you to ride the bullet train - TMTFTS.
- If he is the one then there is no rush - he will still be the one later on
- He will respect you more if you make him wait - and you will have more allure. Sure, we don't have to follow the rules - but the rules can make it more fun. You have to keep a guy on his toes. I have married friends that do that now - and they say this is the key to their successful longterm marriages. They don't keep a guy on his toes by withholding sex because they are married - but they are never at his beckon call. They keep their own life and activities.
- If you want marriage and want him to respect you for that, then you have a better chance if you make him wait. You are worth the wait until you can see that he will sustain his good behavior over time.

I know that others posted here that they would not wait - and that is okay, too. Everyone has to decide for themselves on what feels right for them. I would have been one to say GO until I encountered dating in midlife - I think you have to go slow to build a good relationship that fits for everyone. We all have such responsibilities with our kids and jobs and houses - that it just feels better to go slow over time and build memories to savor.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 7:40pm

First of all, welcome to the board, we have a lot of great people here with great advice.


Second of all, you have to understand that you are the parent and she is your daughter.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:28pm

I think Judy and Alison gave the best possible responses. My first reaction was the same as them, "wait a minute you are the adult and in charge, not your daughter". It's hard to lose sight that we are parents simply for that reason: to parent and to guide. We are not parents so we can hang out or be friends with our children.

It's tough to think your daughter is upset with you. Just remember, she is upset at the idea of change, not you and she at the age to start rebelling against authority! She still loves you and will always love you, even when you set boundaries. And it's okay to say "do as I say, not as I do", because you two are not the same age. It's okay to do the things you are doing at your age, not at 14.

Stay strong and trust your judgements. Respect your desire to fulfil your own needs as a woman. Afterall, you want your daughter to grow up to be confident and strong like you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 8:46am
Thanks so much to all of you. I don't think I worry because we're friends- I don't see us that way, but more because I don't want to set what she might see as a bad example. But, I think you're right that I do need to model a strong and confident character that she can't push around!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 11:24am

I think the best example you can set for your dd is that of a partner in an emotionally healthy relationship.

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