How can a person be such a "LOSER"?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
How can a person be such a "LOSER"?
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Tue, 08-02-2005 - 7:22am

My X, my oldest D'D's father (the special forces guy)-- Really really did it this time! He has officially ruined his life. Got caught with drugs and pee'd positive. His life is RUINED. He is 33yrs old, will be court martialed and most likely serve time. Which I personally hope he does. He has lost all his benefits, etc etc.

This A hole is thinking of high tailing it out of the country if possible to join the French Foreigh Legion or some other army in another countrry where other criminals run. He is ruined for any future positions in the Goverment of the USA.

NOW the hard part. How do I explain this to my DD? We are going over in exactly 4 weeks and she can't wait for her to be in the States because she'll be closer to her dad (who is a hero in her eyes and he can't do anything wrong, because he is a special forces and takes care of the bad guys) and he promised to watch out for her and be their for her. Another lie and of course, now.... impossible.

When I talked to him last night, he showed no remorse. He had a pity me party and basically blames the MILITARY that his life and his career are worthless. NOT that he once remembers that he WANTED this job, he has gone back time and time again for this job and he doesn't want to do anything else but this job. Now, suddenly, it's the military's fault that they forced a gun in his hand.

So what am I going to do now with alex? She will be devasted. What is the best way for me to explain this and let her know her Dad won't be around and most likely he will take off as soon as he can without even saying good-bye? She's only 11.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 9:00am

Oh dear - that is certainly not the news you would want to hear.

It is a big blow to you but I think for now you should really do nothing and see how it all plays out. He might get out of it or get a small charge - and be okay or something like that. I am not saying a drug charge is NOT serious because IT IS VERY serious. But I don't think you should pull out the drama mat and get everyone in an uproar until you find out the actual outcome. And this is going to take some time.

Also, I think he has you in an uproar because he is very shaken about this news. And of course it is all about him - it has always been that way.

Right now he is not in your life - he is not helping you with Alex with regards to time or money. So this news, while not good, doesn't really affect you now. It won't affect your move and it won't affect your life when you get here. You and the girls will be okay.

As far as what to tell Alex - why don't you just not say anything for now and see what happens. Keep us posted and I am sure we can all help you brainstorm something when you are here and have more info.

I think you should not try to build Alex's expectations for anything her father might do. Only for what he is going to do at the moment.

I hope this helps. I know you are strong Cat and I really think you and the girls will be okay no matter what. Don't let him get your down or ruin your momentum for your upcoming move.

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Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 9:17am
I agree with West. I was 11 when my father killed himself, something I have always viewed as a direct rejection of me. I think you have to know more before you tell your dd anything. When you tell her you want to be able to say exactly what is going on, if he's going to be 'away' and why and for how long and answer the questions she might have. You have plenty of time to figure out what to say. Since he hasn't been around, you can be vague like say he's busy or work is taking up his time for the moment, which should be a truth. I also think you should talk to him down the road before you talk to your dd and find out what he wants you to say. My mom was able to tell me at age 11 that my father was a drug user and drugs ruined his life (she didn't say it just like that, it was a much longer explanation said with compassion and statements that he loved us), but she didn't have to worry about a continuing relationship and him having to face us knowing we knew the whole truth. You want to be honest with your dd, but you will have to balance how honest with the fact they will have some kind of continuing relationship and if you tell her about the drugs and the court martial those are things he needs to be prepared to talk to her about as well.

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Avatar for lizbeth30
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Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 6:49pm

you say nothing because thats his job. just like my ex who is LOSER way beyond your ex whos license was just suspended for nonpay of child support and hasnt shown up for visitation in a month and has another child coming in September so -- he isnt making his exsisting kids a priority ...I say nothing if they ask I tell them they can make a phone call to him or his mother ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 12:34am

I agree that you shouldn't say anything to Alex- that should be her dad's job. Don't coddle her and protect her, and don't answer for him. If he's the one screwing up, he's going to have to answer to someone and it might as well be her. When she asks about him, just tell her what you normally tell her, that he's busy with work or whatever. Do not cover for him, do not allow him to be built up in her eyes- MAKE him tell her what has happened and what she can expect. MAKE HIM answer her questions, refuse to do it any longer. Sure, your daughter may be a little upset, but just say to her that you don't know and that she should ask her dad.

I know it's hard and you'll want to protect her even more now, but don't.

(((HUGS)))

Alison

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 3:35am

Thanks everyone for the great advice. However, it went a little differently then suggested last night. Alex and I sat down last night because I asked how she is feeling about the move coming up and how she is feeling in general. Her Dad was supposed to see her in September, so I kind of just listened, but she didn't mention him. I told her that it might be, that her Dad won't see her in September.

She said "He's in big trouble, isn't he?"

I guess she heard me speaking to my mom about it briefly. I said "Yes, he's in deep trouble right now."

She said, "Ok mom, lay it out straight, what did he do this time."

So I told her that he was caught using and possessing drugs. She said "God, he is so stupid. What a loser." Trying to act all grown up and big about it.

I then said the following: What your Dad did, has severe punishment, because it's illegal and wrong to do drugs. Alex, you and I have both discussed this several times, that drugs can be very harmful and now, your Dad made a wrong choice and it has harmed him and his career. Your grandmother, your father and I do not know what is going to happen. He can either be let go of the military with a very bad record, which is already a huge punishment, because he won't get a job easily or he might also first end up in jail for sometime. No one knows. This will take some time to find out. Until then, he is not allowed to go anywhere and has a babysitter watching him at all times. Which means, he will not be able to see you in September or maybe for a few months, until things have been decided.

I took her in my arms and told her, that I didn't want her to now feel bad about going to the States, etc. I told her it will all be a huge change for all of us, but that she should dream that her Dad will be around more often or even at all. That even if this didn't happen, it wouldn't change the fact, that he probably wouldn't be seeing her anyways and that she needed to learn to accept that. That he won't even help financially in any way. That he never has and that she needed to realize that he isn't a real Dad. That a Dad is defined as someone who acts like one.

Alex looks at me and says "I hope he gets jail time. Then maybe it'll teach him a lesson to quit being so irresponsible."

I told her, that sometimes, that doesn't change people and sometimes you just can't change people. I didn't say that he loved her, because in reality ladies, he doesn't care for anyone but himself. He really doesn't give a fig for this child.

Alex tried to act tough, but I know this was a huge blow on her. I didn't go into the details of him having to leave the country, or this or that. Just the basic facts. She is going to catch wind of it anyhow when I am on the phone or talking to my mom, because she already overheard us talking briefly about it. However, it's done now and she is going to be 12 and I am not going to lie or cover for him. I have been doing that for 10 years. No more. The last year, I have been telling her how it really is, because she started noticing. I then realized, I had to quit covering and show the real guy. Not the excuse about him never having time because of work or that he didn't have money, but because he just was to busy having fun and spending money for fun things on himself.

I am going to do what I can to make things good for her. We are really close and she is extremely important to me. Moreso then Nina right now. Alex has just had to many blows in her life for her young age and I have got to watch and be careful how she starts digesting this. Nina is 4 and quite young. I worry about her just as much, but I think you all know what I mean. Alex is WAY to suseptible about following the crowd or one person. She doesn't lead. She is like her father. Wants to be accepted. It is very important now that she learns to start thinking as an individual not as a follower. I have got to figure out how to get her to that point. I have never been a follower, always the leader or individual. Any suggestions on things I can do, to get her in the right direction? I'm so worried with the new changes taking place, that she is going to feel like she has to go with any crowd to be accepted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:33am

I think you should really focus on building her self esteem and her belief in herself. What are her talents and ambitions? Keep her busy and focused on those.

I really believe that if a kid has wholesome activities that they are good at, they will feel good about themselves and accept themselves and not try to seek this from the wrong place a.k.a. bad boyfriend and friends.

This will be a challenge as she goes into her teens for sure.

I do realize there is nothing you can do about her dad. And I know you don't want to lie. But somehow I think you should explain that not everyone is the same or like us and some people do the best they can but don't measure up and that is the way it is. This way she won't take it personally that he is not in her life right now.

It sounds like she took it very well - she sounds really big for her age. And very sweet. Your two girls are gems!!

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Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 9:32am

Well that is certainly honest! I am sure that is not what I would have said but you are her mom and you know her best. One thing my mom always said to us was that our dad loved us in his own way. We knew he wasn't around by choice, we knew the truth, but I also needed to believe he loved me. But just like you know what your dd needs, my mom probably knew that is what I needed. My mom didn't hide the truth either, she just tried to balance it out with the few good things too.

My dad was the ultimate follower and was always focused on being accepted. I honestly believe that is a huge part of why he was a drug addict. I could have easily followed in his tracks, and the thing that stopped me was that at age 11 I knew that drugs could hook you whether you wanted to be hooked or not, they could damage your body and your mind (my father eventually had brain damage from so much drug use and underwent a personality change as a result), and eventually lead to your death (directly or indirectly, either way you could end up dead).

The fact her father has royally screwed up his life will not be lost on your dd, and she knows drugs are the result. Keep talking to her about that, and more than likely she'll be able to say no when someone offers her drugs because she'll have made up her mind a long time before that she'd never ever do that and she will have no interest in going there. I had very little exposure to drugs in high school because all my friends knew how I felt, that I didn't have a father in my life because of his decision to use drugs. They would have drugs at a party and I'd not find out until weeks or months later, or not at all, because they'd make sure it was done away from me out of respect for me. I don't think anyone ever offered me drugs directly, because everyone who knew me knew not to offer.

The bigger issue for me was the abandonment issues I had from my father. Those issues made me more suspectible to unhealthy relationships, and eventually led me to turn off all my feelings so I would never be hurt the way my father hurt me when he left. I'm just to the point now that I'm figuring this all out, but one book that helped me was "The Wounded Woman" which is about dysfuncational father-daughter relationships and how they affect us and how to get past the negative effects and move on with your life. You might find it interesting and it might help you help your dd as she goes through those issues herself.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 10:12am

Well, Scott has never sent her a birthday card except for twice in her life and NEVER a gift for Christmas or any holiday. Yet, he'll call once the year (after I have screamed at him) and talk to her and tell her that she is the only one he loves and that he thanks God everyday that she was given to him. YEAH, RIGHT, WHATEVER!!! HE has promised and sworn to her many many things and it's one disappointment after another. She herself has lost faith in him, so why should I continue to cover. I've covered for YEARS. It's a fact that he doesn't care enough. She is angry at ME, when I can't give her something or afford enough as a single mom. At me! UNTIL, I reminded her, that it isn't my fault that she isn't taken care of a 100% materialistic. She would have to go to her father and ask him why he isn't pulling his part. She knows he buys himself stuff all the time (new motorcycles, trips, surf boards, etc etc). Scotts Mom used to cover for him also, but she has also given up this last year. She used to say that he does love her, he does care, but now she says, it's a poor way of showing it and she's disgusted with him. So why continue to make him look good? Everyone has been sheltering him all his life. I call it tough love now... If he thinks he has to have contact with his daughter, then he is going to work hard at it. No more chasing after him and asking him to call, no more begging him to help pay for her financially, no more reminding him of her birthday or asking him to think about sending something for Christmas. Other then the blue moon call, he doesn't do it, he doesn't care. If he can't be responsible, why should I make him look good. It's Alex that cries herself to sleep because he won't do anything for her. He keeps messing up. I'm not going to feel sorry for him and I don't want Alex feeling sorry for him. She needs to start getting angry and let out all her pain. He's hurting her, not she him. I won't hang up on him if he calls or I won't tell Alex she can't write him. She can do what she wants, but I am no longer acting like he is tooo busy, or tooo this or tooo that. He isn't. He just rather be single and get other women pregnant over and over and not take care of those children either. It's ridiculous. As for telling Alex that he doesn't love her, I never have said that. All I have said was, some people have a strange way of showing they care.

It's true, what about this scenario:
The parent that says they love their kids, but beats them regularly, or the other who says they love their children, but they molest them. Ok, all pretty horrible examples, but the point being.

Alex knows she is loved unconditionally by me. She knows she is loved unconditionally by her Grandparents. The problem that she has with her father, will not be less because I think he's a loser. It's Scott that needs to explain his actions and make her understand, because I can't answer her questions of why he won't do this or that. I can't linder that feeling and put the tears away. He was supposed to come for her Birthday in September. That won't happen. I rather prepare her for it instead of the big let down a few days prior or on her birthday. I also tell her, don't expect something or anything from him. When it comes, you can be suprised, but otherwise, just don't count on it. I know, because my mom tried to do that with me and my dad. The only one that can make it good is her own father. She is getting to old to play pretend with anymore. One day, she'll turn on me and say that I lied to her about what her Dad was really like and made her believe he was something he wasn't. It's a no win situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 10:24am
I hope you didn't misunderstand me. I never said you should cover or make him look good or do anything other than what you did. I said you are her mom and you know what is best for her. I said my mom didn't cover either, she told us the truth, the few good things she reminded us of were also true and what she felt we needed to hear, just like what you are telling your dd is what you know she needs to hear.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 10:19pm

I think you did great with what you told Alex. I had a similar situation when I was a kid. My parents split when I was very young. My mother was a drug addict, and my dad and grandparents tried very hard to hide from me the depths of her addiction, and covered for her constantly. When it finally came to the point I was faced with exactly what my mother had done, and how she truly didn't care about anyone but herself because the drugs had robbed her of anything else in her life, I was angry with my dad and grandparents as well. They had, in essence, allowed me to live a lie. Now I am in a similar situation with my kids. It's tough sometimes, but I really try hard not to say outright negative things about their father, but when they ask, I try to give them honest answers. The sad thing is that my ds who's 8 1/2 told me that he doesn't ask very many of those questions, because he really doesn't want to know.

Hugs to you and Alex. I know the next few months may be tough on her, but it sounds like she took it very well.

Kelly

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