How Can You Tell if Separated Guy Ready?
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| Mon, 11-28-2005 - 4:50pm |
Hi.
I am new to this board and would greatly appreciate any advice, comments I can receive. I am in my late 30's and have been separated for over a year, and my divorce will soon be final. I have been dating someone with two young children for six months who also has been separated for over a year, though his divorce trial won't happen for another six months.
Things have been going really well, and we have been taking it very slowly. However, my biggest concern is that he still harbors anger towards his soon-to-be-ex and that he has not fully dealt with all the emotional issues of his marriage yet. He has begun expressing his desire for us to spend more time together. My fear is that he is not really over his ex (who left him), and that I am going to get really hurt if I turn out to just be the "rebound" woman (which, years earlier when I was single, happened to me by a very nice but not emotionally-ready guy).
I am not the first woman he has dated during his separation which makes me feel better but the concern is still there. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with these situations and are there any red flags I should look for? I don't want to throw away what I have right now because it makes me so happy but I am also scared of giving away some precious time toward a relationship that may have little chance of working out. (and some well-meaning relatives keep pressuring me that I am closing myself to meeting someone with better potential for a real, lasting relationship!) Thanks so much for your thoughts!!

Hi there and welcome to our board.
After reading your story, my opinion is that you should really back off this one and not expect anything from it other than the companionship you have now. You both need to take the time to get over your lost marriage/divorce and return to life as individuals. You need to mourn that loss and get on with you lives - only then would you be capable and ready for something more and this would be especially the case with him since he harbors bitterness towards his ex.
We do have an excellent thread on the one year rule and this subject:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsolomother/?msg=8540.3
I know you like him and that it is hard to just disregard that. But there is no coincidence that you are both going through the same thing at the same time - often we attract who we are.
The relationship needs to be about both of you, not just what you have been through. Listen to your relatives. I am betting his desire to spend more time with you is just about the sex.
I do hope you stay here and participate in our discussions - I think they would do you good. I also think that if you do take the time to really be you again and work on getting your life happy as a single person you would agree with your relatives and you would do a lot better - you would meet someone who is really into you and wants to make you happy - no bitter history discussed - and you two would really click. Don't deny yourself of this!!
I think if you're questioning whether he's ready or not- then you KNOW he's NOT ready.
Everyone is ready at different times.
He wasn't ready to date, to this day, he is STILL going through his divorce, mine is final. It's funny too, sometimes I'll see him out at our old hangout (I have friends who work there, and occasionally I'll stop in to see them maybe once a month) and he'll start smiling at me again, like nothing ever happened. I never go over to him, and he hasn't come over to talk to me(wierd, I know). Emotionally he wasn't ready, and still isn't. So, just be careful, I was really hurt by this guy, and still think about him but know that I could never go out w/him again, not after everything that has happened, and how he made me feel in the end.